If You Engage in BDSM, the Trevor Bauer Case Should Concern You
The most important part of BDSM is consent.
If you practice BDSM, then the Trevor Bauer case should be of utmost interest to you. The repercussions of this case have the potential for law enforcement to reach into your bedrooms and interfere with your private practice of BDSM.
Mysterious Witt, a writer I follow and admire who recently wrote about this case, uses the word “allegedly” once early in her article about Mr. Bauer’s actions. But in the rest of the article, she describes his actions as facts, dropping the “allegedly” and accuses him of “sexual assault.” I’m not so willing to condemn him.
You can read about the facts of the case here. The judge denied the continuing restraining order, concluding that Mr. Bauer was not a threat to the woman. You can read about the end of the case here.
Whether Mr. Bauer committed a crime or not is not up to me nor anyone else in the public sphere to determine, nor anyone who doesn’t have a complete set of facts in front of them. A criminal investigation has concluded and is now in the hands of the Pasadena Police Department and the District Attorney’s office as to whether Mr. Bauer committed a crime. Their investigation, along with Major League Baseball’s, is not public and thus any rush to judgment is merely “court of public opinion” in a highly publicized “he said, she said” case. How the police and D.A.’s office conclude this case may give you guidelines for how to better establish consent in all of your BDSM encounters to keep you on the right side of the law.
I’m not here to defend or condemn Trevor Bauer or the woman at all, as far as their sexual encounter goes. There will be no shaming of either for their BDSM preferences. My opinion is that, as a rich celebrity athlete, he used poor judgment in engaging with this woman and threw away a lucrative career to get his dick wet. I think she also got what she wanted and then changed the rules of the game to try to cash in on it. I have no love for sports celebrities who think their shit don’t stink and think they can be jerks on social media, and I have no love for sports groupies who gold dig at sports stars.
Sex is a powerful drug for anyone, and BDSM may be the fentanyl-laced heroin of all sex drugs. Modern day BDSM hinges completely on the concept of consent. Without consent, BDSM becomes indistinguishable from abuse, assault, and often rape.
I am here, though, to shed some light on BDSM, what it is and what it isn’t. I’m a little shocked at the description of BDSM by Mysterious Witt, former professional dominatrix, as if she used only a feather in her encounters with clients. Most of the BDSM I have personally experienced and witnessed has been far more aggressive, intense, and impactful than she described.
I am a leather man and have participated openly in the BDSM community since 1993. I know my way around both sides of the slash, meaning I have been both a submissive and a Dominant to varying degrees in both casual BDSM play and committed long-term relationships. I have given presentations at professional BDSM conferences and hosted workshops and munches in my home cities. I have started in-person educational groups for kinksters and presented on BDSM in human sexuality classes at major universities. I have as much knowledge about BDSM as the next person with almost 30 years’ experience, which is to say, a considerable amount.
I am not that interested in the fates of Mr. Bauer or the woman, though I don’t wish either of them ill. I am more interested in the potential ramifications that this highly publicized sexual incident may have on the BDSM community at large. Read on for my take. Mine is not the only opinion about the BDSM community of course, but I draw on time-honored traditions and practices and offer many anecdotes from years of experience.
Safe, Sane, & Consensual (SSC) is Not the Only Flavor of BDSM
Mysterious Witt says that the “cornerstone of BDSM play is that the play always remains ‘safe, sane, and consensual.’” Here we agree. For beginners, this is true. What Safe, Sane, & Consensual (SSC) means is that we try to do what we do as safely as possible, that we do so sanely (rationally, using a thinking mind, staying away from mind-altering substances while engaged in BDSM), and that we do these things consensually, in agreed upon terms.
But there are two other codes for BDSM. R.A.C.K. stands for or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Those who follow R.A.C.K. are aware of the risks involved and understand that much of what they do is not safe.
P.R.I.C.K. stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink. Advanced players know that they are personally responsible for their own actions, even in surrendering their will to another. Thus, a submissive who voluntarily gives up power to a Dominant realizes the risk and potential for something to go wrong or against the agreed upon practices. It’s as much to say, “I am informed of the risks here, but I’m freely undertaking them because I’m personally responsible for myself.” A submissive can’t wiggle out and say, “Oh, I’m just a lowly submissive, and thus incapable of thinking for myself. How was I to know the Dominant would do x, y, and z to me?”
For S.S.C., R.A.C.K. and P.R.I.C.K., consent is encoded in all three flavors of BDSM as the ultimate cornerstone.
BDSM isn’t always safe. One practice is fire play. We spray alcohol on each other, light each other on fire, and push each other into swimming pools. Sounds risky, even a bit crazy! But we squeal with delight as we do it! One thing you don’t hear about are the people standing by with wet towels and fire extinguishers. There is a great deal of active thinking ahead about repercussions and mitigating potential problems.
I once saw a man strapped down to a table with his legs up in stirrups, his entire body covered with a sheet except for his genitals. His Dominant sprayed alcohol on his exposed genitals and lit them on fire. At precisely that point, she clapped a cupped hand forcefully down on his genitals to put out the fire before it even really started. And then she’d cackle in delight. He laughed from the sheer relief that she didn’t burn his balls off. They had a good old time.
These are only two of many examples in which what we do in BDSM circles is not very safe and maybe not sane. But the acts are consensual and highly enjoyable.
Here is a webpage about safety in BDSM.
Impact Play in BDSM
Impact play, hitting in its various guises, is a basic of BDSM. Many people enjoy both giving and receiving impact play, such as spanking with an open hand, hitting with a fist, or hitting with an implement, such as a flogger, a cane, a leather or wooden paddle, or even a single-tail whip. We try to avoid joints and bony areas that could lead to injury. We also avoid hitting the back where the kidneys are and usually sensitive areas around the eyes and neck. But that’s not universal. I knew someone who liked to get hit in the back until he peed blood. Safe? Sane? Probably not. But it was his kink and his choice and he only did it with people he loved and trusted.
There is a difference between purposeful impact, such as what happens in BDSM, and accidental impact, such as stubbing one’s toe. The one can bring painful pleasure; the other only brings unwanted pain and agony. BDSM practitioners seek out the pleasure pain variety.
Face-slapping and hitting the face are frequent acts in BDSM play, too. In fact, we have educational workshops on how to face-slap to minimize harm.
To Bruise or Not to Bruise
Submissives often seek out Dominants who will leave bruises on them. Heavy bruising is often called badges of honor. They are physical reminders of their scene and very common. At a BDSM party, it’s rare to not see someone with back or butt or breasts covered in bruises. Bruising is commonplace in BDSM play.
Not everyone wants bruises or can’t have them because of a job or a relationship. It’s perfectly okay to set your boundaries so that bruising is off the table in your play.
Cutting and Blood Play in BDSM
Another part of BDSM is blood play. People into BDSM like to be cut, bruised, and scratched. There are those who like to receive those sensations (submissives or bottoms) and those who like to give those sensations (Dominants or Tops).
I have seen the acts described below at most play parties. These are not rare acts but rather common in BDSM circles.
Ritual scarification, cell popping, branding, play piercing with elaborate designs, flesh hooks, blood cupping, all of these acts require the skin to be pierced or cut and blood to flow.
With blood cupping, a set of glass bowls is coated in alcohol and set on fire. The skin is pierced or cut with a small incision. The cup is placed over the incision, creating a vacuum seal that puts out the fire and draws the skin up into the cup and blood out of the incision. After a short time, you have a small cake of coagulated blood to smear all over the person’s body.
People cut elaborate designs into their flesh with scalpels. They also cut to create more permanent keloid scars.
Play piercing uses needles of various sizes, very short or long like acupuncture needles. Genitals are pierced shut. Backs are decorated with many piercing needles and ribbons are woven between needles to create designs and living corsets in the flesh of the back.
People also pierce each other with thick flesh hooks and hook themselves to ropes, hanging in the air by their skin. This is powerful, advanced ritualized play requiring an experienced piercer.
All of this requires consensual play. The one getting the piercing experiences a high, the release of endorphins in response to a wound to the body. The one doing the piercing experiences his or her own high, creating human artwork and providing this taboo joy to another.
Obviously, education is important for blood, needle, and flesh hook play and extreme caution is used, including gloves, sharps containers, disposable covering for furniture and floors, and other precautions to stop the risk of spreading disease via blood-borne pathogens.
Breath Play — Dangerous Stuff
Breath play (choking) is a form of edge play, an extreme and more dangerous kind of BDSM that requires tutoring and education to do well. It’s a heady mix of power for the Dominant and surrender for the submissive. It’s not to be engaged in lightly. In fact, breath play is highly dangerous and potentially fatal. In some municipalities, it’s illegal. Check your local laws regarding breath play. If not practiced with extreme caution and care, it can be fatal.
Some people engage in auto-erotic asphyxiation, choking themselves at the point of orgasm to increase orgasmic intensity. This is how David Carradine died, the actor who played Bill in the Kill Bill movies.
Most often, breath play is between two people, when one person chokes the other. There are two main types of choking — asphyxiation and strangulation.
Asphyxiation is what happens when you cut off the oxygen supply by stopping the windpipe in the front of the throat. You risk crushing the trachea in doing so.
Strangulation is what happens when you cut off blood supply to the brain, most commonly through compressing the carotid artery on the side of the neck, through a chokehold.
Here’s information about choking in BDSM here and here and here.
There Is No Safe Breath Play
There is no way to do breath play safely. Different cities have different laws regarding choking, too.
When I lived in San Diego, fans of breath play would go to Los Angeles County to do breath play because in San Diego County, anyone who did breath play and there was an accident (if someone died or ended up with a stroke or in the hospital), it was considered an attempted murder charge. I was told that wasn’t the case in Los Angeles. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it wasn’t an issue for me since I don’t do this dangerous practice.
As an accomplished BDSM practitioner, I do not do breath play because of the hidden dangers. I understand the taboo appeal and don’t judge those who do, but I secretly hope for their safety.
I know lots of people who do breath play often and successfully, despite the various illegalities of the practice. Their reasoning is “it’s only illegal if you get caught.” Tread carefully or not at all. Don’t turn the enjoyable art of BDSM into a tragedy.
BDSM, the Police, and Consent
In San Diego, our BDSM club had a good relationship with the police department. Every year, SDPD sent out a public relations officer to answer questions and to explain the laws about what would happen if an officer was called to a house during a BDSM party.
The PR officer told us in no uncertain terms, if the officer on the scene sees any kind of evidence of assault (bruising or fresh lacerations, for instance), then someone is going to jail.
Before that rule, when officers were called to domestic disputes, 50 or 60 times a year, someone, mostly women, would die from domestic abuse later that same night. But if officers arrest someone during those domestic dispute calls, those numbers dropped to 3 times a year. That’s an effective method to stop murder.
If I have to give up some rights at a BDSM house party, that’s a small price and one I’m willing to pay, to save a life from murder due to domestic abuse.
The PR officer explained that the district attorney’s office would determine if anyone gets charged with a crime. The D.A.’s office is not in the habit of charging people with crimes for engaging in consensual BDSM. BDSM itself is not a crime.
The only wrinkle is you can’t consent to having someone do something to you that’s illegal, like castrating you or killing you or having sex with you when you are incapacitated or unconscious.
It’s up to police detectives and the D.A.’s office to determine if there’s a prosecutable crime.
Bottom line: Consent is not a free pass to get around the law.
Breath Play Can Go Wrong, and You Won’t Know It
The SDPD PR officer showed us pictures from domestic disputes of strangulation. The carotid artery can get kinked, but you won’t know that at the time. In just a couple of days, the person’s eyes get droopy and sometimes fill up with blood. And they can pass out or die from these hidden internal injuries. This is why I don’t engage in breath play. I practice BDSM with people I love. I don’t want to kill them. It’s inherently dangerous and the dangers are hidden even from the most well-intentioned people.
Safe Words are Real
BDSM scenes can go sideways. Safe words help us to navigate potentially volatile physical, psychological, or emotional terrain.
Safe words are important for both the Dominant and submissive to have. Either party can stop the encounter with a safe word. In general, green, yellow, and red (the stoplight) is used for go, slow down, and stop. If either party calls “red,” the scene stops. It’s over. There is no going back. There is no do-overs — “Oh I meant yellow.” A red is a red. You stop and that’s that.
The submissive always has the opportunity to say “red,” and the scene will completely stop. In a dungeon, there is a dungeon monitor who watches the scenes and searches for potential danger signs. The dungeon monitor also listens for “red” and makes sure both parties stop when a “red” is called.
In private play, there must be great trust between partners engaged in BDSM to observe a “red” when it is called. If a Dominant doesn’t stop when a submissive calls “red,” that’s abuse. If a submissive badgers the Dominant to keep going when he or she calls “red,” that’s also abuse.
Many long-term committed couples like to play without safe words, feeling that they know each other so well, that the one can just know what the other is feeling and experiencing. It’s like the thrill of doing trapeze without a net. That’s just dumb. Nobody can know when you just pulled a rib muscle or felt a hernia give way or a knee give out. Shit happens. Be prepared with a safe word.
My partners always have safe words. Playing in the fantasy realm is fine, but safe words help keep people safe.
Here are some basics on safe words.
BDSM Negotiations
BDSM is often fantasy made reality. Long before a scene happens, negotiations of some sort must occur between the parties involved.
To separate the fantasy from the reality, a lot of BDSM practitioners use a BDSM negotiation list. I probably conduct 10 negotiations for every single fully-realized scene I have. I like to make sure I match well with my partners.
Some negotiation lists are just a couple pages, a list of things you want to do and have tried before. Other lists are 30-page documents going into exquisite detail about all your sexual fantasies and perversions.
A good negotiation will cover medical problems for both participants, current medications taken, and any current injuries or health concerns.
Some people even negotiate the use of illicit substances during play. That’s truly a shady area of legality because people under the influence can’t consent to sexual activity. Fair warning. Most people deep into BDSM don’t use substances while playing as it is inherently dangerous for both submissive and Dominant, not to mention the illegalities of the situation.
Most negotiations will include references, people you can call who know the Dominant and submissive so that each party can do their due diligence and check up as to the integrity and veracity of this potential partner to minimize potential conflicts or mismatches.
Here is a starter guide to BDSM negotiations.
If you want good negotiation forms, contact me either privately or in the comments and I can get them to you.
Use BDSM Negotiations to Specify Boundaries
A good rule of thumb is to not stray from the stated boundaries of a negotiation. Having boundaries in writing can potentially help down the line if there are later disagreements. If you are doing a spanking scene and it’s specifically negotiated that there will be no touching of the genitals, then that’s known by both parties. If the Dominant touches the submissive’s genitals, that’s a boundary violation, a consent violation — abuse.
Of course, there must be some intent to the boundary violation. The accidental brushing of a body part with a swinging flogger isn’t necessarily a violation. We’re all adults here — we know (or should know) the difference between an accident and something done purposefully. As with anything complex and human, there is a lot of grey area here.
Also, when a scene goes really well, it’s the tendency of both parties to want to continue and go beyond the stated negotiation. That is fraught with problems. It’s best to stick with your plan to avoid any “he said, she said” controversy. You can always negotiate different boundaries for another scene another time.
The Dominant Is In Charge, to a Degree
In general, the Dominant is in charge of starting, stopping, and controlling the direction of a BDSM scene within negotiated parameters. A submissive does not abdicate total responsibility of self. Submissives must have a say in their own welfare. But to play along with the power exchange, submissives must do everything they can to give up that power to the Dominant, who makes the choices.
In general, the Dominant directs the entire scene. If things go sideways, the Dominant can stop the scene. If everything is fine, the Dominant can keep things going for as long as both parties have agreed upon.
I stopped a scene once when my submissive partner who was tied to a St. Andrews Cross with her back to me stopped responding. Rather than continue to beat her with a flogger, I talked to her. Still no response. So I ended the scene. We sat and cuddled until she wanted to talk about what led her to becoming non-communicative.
Another time, I had a heavy bottom partner tied up with her arms over her head to chains and two of us went at her with floggers. At one point, I saw her knees give a little and the weight of her body pulled onto her wrists at the chains. I quickly grabbed her to hold her weight up while my partner unclasped the wrist restraints. She never completely passed out, but she was close. We let her down and then sat with her for two hours while she floated in sub space until she became coherent again. That’s exactly what she wanted to happen.
One play partner liked to cry really hard after a good hard flogging on her back and butt. The first time we played, I stopped too soon, thinking that when she started crying, I was done with my job. Her crying stopped right away and she felt like she could have taken more. She approached me for more play another time. This second time, I kept going when she started crying and paid close attention to her. When her sobs became uncontrollable and her body went limp in their restraints, I stopped. She had a partner who cuddled her after our play. I was merely the whipping boy, a service top, as they say. It’s what she wanted, what she negotiated, and she loved or interactions because she knew I could take her to that place. She was a very strong woman. Crying helped her to release pent up emotional turmoil from her life. It was cathartic and a major emotional release for her.
Where Hook-up Culture and BDSM-Culture Collide
Despite the hallmarks of BDSM, Trevor Bauer and the woman were playing in hook-up culture. Negotiations in BDSM culture are more elaborate than in hook-up culture. BDSM is grown up these days. There are many educational non-profits and professional kink conferences and play parties throughout the nation and world to educate anyone with an interest in the finer points and nuances of BDSM. There are plenty of soft and hard skills to learn. And toys (don’t forget the toys!) — floggers, paddles, clit suckers, vibrators, leather, latex, rubber, you name it — whatever your kink, there’s a toy for it!
But hook-up culture often doesn’t follow the rules of BDSM culture. It’s kind of like getting cocaine used on you for a medical procedure in the hospital versus buying it on the corner from a drug dealer. People who just want to hook up are into the thrill of the hook up — not much into names, just hot, raw, horny sex. Get your freak on and get the fuck out. Or stay the night and have breakfast in the morning, and then get the fuck out.
Most people in hook-up culture are just looking to get laid. They are not equipped to “assess the psychological and emotional state of the submissive,” as Mysterious Witt suggests Bauer should have done regarding the woman he engaged with. He’s a baseball player with a $100 million dollar arm, a giant ego, and a hot, horny woman is throwing herself at him and saying, “gimme all the pain.” What a heady trip! Just how much rational thinking is he doing. Obviously, not much.
Most people are not equipped to know someone in any depth in a hook-up. That’s the whole point, getting your jollies with a relative stranger. It’s exciting, it’s taboo, it’s potentially dangerous.
Aftercare
Following a scene, a good Dominant (a good person) has a responsibility to follow up with the submissive and provide aftercare. If it is a heavy scene, often the submissive may crash a couple of days later. Most of the time, a simple phone call is all that’s needed to reconnect with the play partner and see how they are doing. If they’re doing poorly, the play partners can talk it through. If it’s more serious than that, the two people can visit. Hugs help. If it’s more serious than that, then the person can see a doctor or a therapist. Sometimes a heavy scene can dredge up many emotions. Emotional vulnerability is as much in need of attention as a headache or a cold.
Whatever you do, don’t neglect the aftercare. Everyone’s aftercare habits differ. I knew some people who wanted to cuddle for several hours. I knew some people who wanted sex. I knew some people who didn’t want to be touched but wanted to talk about things. I knew some people who wanted to sit in silence. I knew some people who didn’t want aftercare at all. They said, “hey, thanks for the beating,” grabbed something to eat, and headed off to their next scene.
To each their own when it comes to aftercare. Respect your play partner and their aftercare needs.
BDSM is Taboo Fantasyland Made Real
BDSM is a place to explore the taboo, the things we can’t do in real life, the things we probably wouldn’t do either.
Even though I’ve hit, flogged, paddled, and caned women to the point of bruising. I’m not an abuser or misogynist. I practice BDSM. I’m an active feminist, support women’s rights, advocate for women’s equality in the workplace and in all aspects of life. I’m also an equal opportunity Dominant. Whatever someone’s biological sex or chosen gender, I will hit them with a flogger, if they negotiate that act with me and consent, and if I also feel so inclined, all within tightly negotiated boundaries. Much like a professional dominatrix, I help fantasies come true.
People into BDSM know the power and allure of these highly taboo acts. They get high from the rush of endorphin release. They get high from doing “naughty things” with their “naughty bits.” They act out scenes that aren’t legal in real life. It’s adult role play.
I know an African-American man who likes to be chained by the ankle, naked, and made to serve his “Masters” while licking the bottoms of their boots and then polishing their leathers and licking them with his tongue for an overall shine. Some people can’t do race play. He could, and he got off on it.
In the vanilla world, it’s racy when a husband and wife play John and Hooker. She dresses up and seduces him and he gives her money to have sex with her. For some people, that’s just marriage.
Sex and fantasy go hand in hand. For some people, kinky is having sex with the lights on. For others, kinky is having their backs marked up with welts like a roadmap to Chile and their butt bruised to an all over purplish black.
BDSM is a wonderful world of exploration into the forbidden, into hidden desires, into sexual exploits that leave you panting for more.
Like Mysterious Witt, I am also a supporter of sexual freedom and of the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. BDSM, kink, and the leather lifestyle have enriched my own life and those of so many others I know that it is truly a defining characteristic for us. It’s a part of our DNA. But public perception and knowledge of the intricacies of the BDSM lifestyle are always a bit skewed. You don’t really see all of it clearly until you’re in the lifestyle for a while. Keep an open mind, jump on in, and get your kink on.
Protect yourself and your interests by negotiating your boundaries well and making sure you have full consent for any and all activities that you engage in with others. Find your local BDSM organization to learn all you can about soft and hard skills to engage in these activities with as much knowledge as you can.
See you at the next play party. I’ll be the one in the corner making someone cry, consensually that is.
Mister Vinnie is a cismale, sex-positive, pansexual, polyamorish, Dominant leatherman with 28 years experience in the leather community. He edits the sex blog, EDGEPLAY.
