“Arizona cities are going into the gun-selling business. Under a new law signed by Governor Jan Brewer yesterday, no weapon collected during a buyback program can be destroyed.” — Phillip Bump, The Atlantic Wire

When does life begin for a gun? Is it first casting, first barrel boring, first test fire? Is it before the gun is formed when the metal is mined, or the carbon fiber manufactured?

The Bible is mostly silent on firearms, with the notable exception of Genesis. First God created Adam from the mud. Then God took one of Adam’s ribs and formed it into a firearm so that Adam would feel secure in the garden. Then God took another rib and formed it into the woman Lilith, but Adam mistook her for an invader as she walked amongst the moonlight to gather grapes from the arbor and shot her dead. God took another rib and made Lilith Redux, but despite being trained in safety procedures, she laid hands on Adam’s firearm and accidentally killed herself.

So God took the gun away from Adam, and from a fourth rib formed the woman Eve. But when Eve convinced Adam to eat from the tree of knowledge and they were cast from the garden Adam laid a trip on God, saying he could have killed the snake, and none of this would have happened, if he had kept his gun. Thus was the sacred right of packing heat enshrined in God’s law, so that the sons of Adam could keep their wives safe from snakes, home invaders, and political operators from the Left.

The theology is clear: Guns themselves are pure, and in need of absolution. A gun used in the course of a murder, the murder of a child, a classroom of children, a theater full of children, or a political gathering of children is an innocent vessel unblemished in the eyes of God. Does a chalice which once held poison make the water in the cleansed chalice undrinkable? Well, maybe, but if you scrub it good, then probably not.

To destroy such a weapon is to strip the gun of its rights under God’s law. Of course, for social reasons, a ceremony to cleanse the firearm is proper. Blessings with dabs from the baptismal font during Sunday service is satisfactory, and the weapon can be slated for adoption. People for the Ethical Treatment of Firearms handle many such adoptions throughout the nation, without meddlesome background checks.

All guns are wanted. Americans are waiting to adopt them. To destroy them is a sin in the eyes of God. Some ask: Is it okay at any time to murder an innocent gun that, by no action of its own, has become infirm or unable to protect the family who owns it? What about a firearm whose stability is lessened and through the course of executing its function of expelling projectiles is a risk to itself?

The answer, of course, is no. Such a firearm should be displayed proudly and admired, not destroyed. If the gun is already partially dismembered, then the parts should be gathered and mounted together to display the noble struggle of the instrument, like one might do with a fox killed during the hunt.

If only remnants remain, put them in a small box, like one might use for seashells or shell casings, and give them to your children. They can be used to decorate picture frames and such.

For guns are holy, and the hand that wields them in proper stand-your-ground circumstances is holy as well, and unassailable by those who wish to compromise their clear rights.

So when does life begin for a gun? Life for the gun begins at conception. The Biblical verses are clear in this regard. When God designated a rib to become firearm, he designated divinity. When the grand gun designer draws the blueprint by which they are to be reproduced, is not he acting with the will of God? The gun engineer surely moves his hand with the action of a loving, watchful God. When he first lays plans for the gun he will create, when that gun is conceived, it is blessed by the hand of God.

Won’t you join me now in opening your hymnals to 324, “My cold dead fingers, my cold living gun”?