Drafting the Westeros Dragons, Part II

The best offense in all the Seven Kingdoms

We’ve already put together one hell of a defense out of the characters from Game of Thrones, but though defense is said to win championships, you do have to give them a break every now and again.
Strong Belwas needs liver and onions between all his midfield tackles,
after all. We’re going to take some risks on the offensive side of the
ball, but Westeros and Essos are teeming with speedsters, maulers, and
at least one quarterback who’ll stop at nothing to win.

ONE FINAL WARNING: AHEAD ARE SPOILERS FOR EVERY SINGLE BOOK IN THE SERIES.

Center: Tormund Giantsbane

The idea of the offensive lineman as a monosyllabic dummy is something of a myth — it’s not that it never happens, it’s that intelligence is an asset in pretty much every profession. Most athletes, particularly at the professional level, aren’t dumb — they’re just focused or incurious. Centers in particular are expected to be brainy, because the modern pass rush is a thing of fearsome complexity and if the center calls out the wrong blocking assignment, his quarterback is liable to be put on his back by a three-hundred pound man with no sense of right and wrong. We’re going with the younger TV version of Tormund here, ‘cause while the book version is just as smart, he’s also in his fifties or sixties. I feel like either version would give great interviews, although they’d have to lay off the dick jokes for a bit.

Left and right guards: Wendel and Wylis Manderly

Wyman Manderly’s considered kind of a joke due to his weight, but the man reveals an awful lot of backbone in A Dance With Dragons. Example:

“Foes and false friends are all around me, Lord Davos. They infest my city like roaches, and at night I feel them crawling over me.” The fat man’s fingers coiled into a fist, and all his chins trembled. “My son Wendel came to the Twins a guest. He ate Lord Walder’s bread and salt, and hung his sword upon the wall to feast with his friends. And they murdered him. Murdered, I say, and may the Freys choke upon their fables. I drink with Jared, jape with Symond, promise Rhaegar the hand of my own beloved granddaughter…but never think that means I have forgotten. The north remembers, Lord Davos. The north remembers, and the mummer’s farce is almost done. My son is home.”

That is intense. Considering that Wendel and Wylis are basically just younger versions of their father (who was reportedly a great jouster in his time) and you’ve got an interior line pairing that will maul opposing lines like they were lamprey pies.

FUN FACT: Though he had zero lines, they actually snuck Wendel Manderly into the Red Wedding in the show. Here he is, complete with merman pin. Specifically including Wendel when the rest of Robb Stark’s menagerie of companions (poor Dacey Mormont) got the axe (again, poor Dacey Mormont) is another example of just how long a game this series is playing, considering Wendel’s death only ends up being a plot point much later on down the road.

Left tackle: Brienne of Tarth

It’s a testament to how good Game of Thrones’ casting department has been that both Gwendoline Christie and Peter Dinklage seem like perfect fits for their roles despite being very good-looking people playing supposedly-ugly characters. There’s a weird dichotomy if you go right from the books to the show — people in the books are constantly talking about how ugly Brienne is, and how they’d hate to see Tyrion naked, and just, you know eww, and then you get to an episode and lose yourself in Dinklage’s eyes. At least, that happens to me.

You want the person guarding your QB’s blind side to take her job seriously, and considering Brienne is one of like … maybe two or three morally consistent characters in the entire Song of Ice and Fire, she gets the job. There’s also the physical aspect — while she’s slightly shorter than you’d expect a left tackle to be, GRRM himself has stated that she’s one of the strongest people in the whole world, and is fast for her size. Left tackles are basically people who shouldn’t exist in the first place, meaning the position is perfect for Brienne.

Right tackle: Balon Swann

The Kingsguard, as an institution, seems to exist in Game of Thrones to reinforce the theme of the current order of things being something of a fallen imitation of a glorious past. Aerys Targaryen may have been a bad king, but he had a great Kingsguard: people constantly talk about how Arthur Dayne was the perfect knight and how Gerold Hightower could do no wrong. The only surviving member of Aerys’ Kingsguard, Barristan Selmy, is simultaneously one of the most-respected people in Westeros and, at sixty, somehow is still a human buzzsaw with a longsword. It’s actually kind of strange reading his chapters, because he constantly puts himself down and talks about how he’s past his prime — meanwhile, he cuts up a dangerous pitfighter without making all that much of an effort. I really hope we get to see him fight in the show, is all I’m saying.

Now, compare that to the people we’ve seen pass through the current Kingsguard. You have a guy who can barely stand (Boros Blount), a child-beater (Meryn Trant), a sociopath (Mandon Moore), a treacherous sellsword (Oswald Kettleblack), a guy whose only character trait is “short” (Preston Greenfield), a lovestruck idiot (Arys Oakheart), a nihilist (Sandor Clegane), an undead abomination made from the corpse of a super-murderer (Robert Strong), and a guy who really should have read the job requirements a little better (Jaime Lannister). Jaime himself points out that the only two guard members who might be worthy of the name are Loras Tyrell and Balon Swann. Swann is probably one of the better fighters in all of Westeros (there’s a scene in the Battle of the Blackwater where he points out reinforcements to Tyrion with a morningstar still coated in the brains of some poor sap who had the bad fortune to encounter him early on), and just generally seems like a swell guy. Well, except for that plot near the end of A Dance With Dragons involving one of the Martell kids, but heck, he might not even be totally aware of that.

Tight End: Areo Hotah

Killer of the aforementioned lovestruck idiot Arys Oakheart, Areo Hotah is formidable despite his age. Which actually reminds me: how old is he? He’s described as white-haired in the books, but I’m not sure he can be older than 40 if you assume he entered Doran Martell’s service at 16. This kind of reminds me of Stannis, in a way: you have to pay attention to the fact that he was only 17 when he held Storm’s End to figure out that he’s only really in his mid-30s. Regardless, Hotah seems like a latter-day Ben Coates to me, flattening cornerbacks and hauling in touchdowns in goal-line situations with the best of them. I’ve been unable to find video of this, but back when Coates was in his prime, there was a game against the 49ers in which he literally carried several tacklers on his back for 10 yards or so. Does anyone remember this happening? I swear I saw it, although even if I didn’t, the fact that I’m convinced it happened says something about how good Coates was.

A quick aside: the image of Areo on the Song of Ice and Fire wiki makes him look like a taller Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Wide receiver (deep threat): Jaime Lannister

With his hand still attached, obviously. This has multiple benefits: Jaime retains his skills as a super-athlete and he has the correct level of arrogance required for a top-level wide receiver. His crisis of conscience and confidence is great for his character development in the books, but I want my deep threat to be a preening narcissist of the highest caliber. Pre-amputation, Jaime says “There are no men like me. There’s only me.” without a hint of irony. He’s my guy if I need a touchdown right this minute.

It always weirds me out whenever people criticize, say, a Terrell Owens or Randy Moss for being self-centered. Look: their jobs require them to catch an inflatable ovoid pigskin thrown at upwards of sixty miles an hour while at a dead sprint. Sometimes they have to catch it while simultaneously keeping themselves in bounds with the tips of their toes. After they catch it, very mean men who are some of the fastest players on the field are likely to attempt to take their heads off. Arrogance is a positive in this situation. It’s like being a fighter pilot. Do you want a fighter pilot who doesn’t think he’s the best there is at what he does? If you or I pulled off any of these catches, you’d have to pop our heads with a needle, they’d be so big.

Wide receiver (versatile): Loras Tyrell

I might have put Loras as my deep threat, but I don’t think he’s quite tall enough. I’d actually considered putting his brother Garlan here — there’s a suggestion that while Loras is the better jouster, Garlan is the superior swordsman (he trains against four guys at once. SHOWOFF), and swordsmanship seems like it would translate to the NFL better than horsemanship. The thing is, Garlan isn’t arrogant enough to be a wideout. I’m going for a very specific dynamic between Jaime and Loras here — I want them to be constantly competing and pushing one another. Garlan seems like he’d be too deferential, and while he’d be a damn good wideout (or even quarterback, but I’ve got someone else in mind for that), I think Loras would work better in terms of team chemistry.

Wide receiver (slot): Grey Worm

Remember how Wes Welker always seemed to be open with the Patriots? That’s Grey Worm, only Grey Worm has the added benefit of not being able to feel pain. You could send him over the middle every single time: he’d run a dime-perfect route, catch whatever you’d throw at him, get absolutely pancaked by a crossing linebacker, and pop up like nothing had happened. Any offense with Grey Worm in the slot would convert mid-length third downs like 90 percent of the time. He’d secretly be the most valuable player on offense (an opinion which Jaime and Loras would be made aware of, thereby driving them crazier with competitive fire) and would save the team an awful lot of money in medical costs.

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is a pretty big Game of Thrones fan, and earlier this year he spent a quarter of an hour gushing about the show in an interview. He actually said something that illustrates just how hard it is to keep track of everything in this show: when the panel were discussing possible romantic partners for Daenerys, Rodgers suggested that maybe she should look toward Grey Worm. Astute readers will remember that, as an Unsullied, Grey Worm lacks the necessary parts required for such a pairing. You might laugh, but the fact that the Unsullied are eunuchs gets brought up once in passing on the show, so it’d be easy to miss. Game of Thrones requires your full attention, guys. I wrote an e-mail to my parents once when they started watching the show explaining the history of Robert’s Rebellion — it was like a thousand words long and required several links and annotations. Is there any other show like that out there?

Running back: Jon Snow

You think I’m going to make a joke here about how someone who rams other players with his head “knows nothing”, but I won’t. I’m too good for that. I did giggle like an idiot the first time Ygritte said it in the show. Go figure. Jon’s a good fit here, I think — his brother Robb might have worked, but there’s this subtle implication through the books that Jon is just a bit better at everything than Robb is. Jon sounds like he’d be better on sweeps than runs between the tackles, but I think he’d be good at both — he’s not short, but considering the monsters on my line, he’d be able to literally hide behind them while he finds a hole. He’d probably lose a lot of mouthguards due to his habit of keeping his mouth wide open, though. I’m not too good to avoid that joke.

Fullback (short-yardage and goal-line situations): Ned Stark

Ned’s stubbornness, like Jaime’s arrogance at wide receiver, is a huge asset at fullback. The sacrificial nature of the position is also a very Eddard Stark-ish quality. You get the impression that he’d dive into the line without a second thought and wouldn’t stop driving his legs until the whistle blew. Ned would be a coach’s favorite — the kind of guy who would always execute without complaint and would never take a play off. I could see him coming in to speak to the team in training camp long after his retirement, an elder statesman without peer. We’re assuming he lives, which is a pretty big leap of faith for a character played by Sean Bean, but I like to think any coaching staff worth its salt would try to minimize the number of times he’s forced by his honor to accuse a king of being an illegitimate product of incest.

Now, before we get to the team’s quarterback, let’s do a lightning round of special teams and the coaching staff:

Head coach: Tywin Lannister

A nicer version of Bill Belichick. The Tywin Lannister Own Zone is not a fun place to be.

Offensive coordinator: Robb Stark

Plays to his strengths, mitigates his habit of missing the big picture and emphasizing tactics over strategy. Banned from all team banquets for obvious reasons.

Defensive coordinator: Tyrion Lannister

Orchestrated the defense of King’s Landing, can play mind games with Sandor Clegane and bribe Bronn to get them to play better, always good for a Rob Ryan-esque quote postgame.

Field goal kicker/kickoffs: Oberyn Martell

It honestly seems like his main sport would be soccer.

Kick returner: Syrio Forel

Quick, elusive, makes a point of teaching Arya to catch a thrown sword so you know he’d be able to handle a punt or kickoff.

Punter: Steelshanks Walton

Frankly, this team is not going to be doing a lot of punting.

Anyway, a team like this, even with its ban on murder and backstabbing (you’ll notice there are no Freys on the squad), needs a strong leader. A leader who isn’t intimidated by Khals or assassins or zombie Gregor. A leader who will practically kill himself to win.

It needs the one true King of Westeros.

Quarterback: Stannis Baratheon

Hear me out.

Stannis “The Mannis” Baratheon is the most underrated character in the entire Song of Ice and Fire. Everyone seems to take his portrayal as the paragon of Lawful Neutral at face value, but Stannis has qualities that make him the right choice to sit the Iron Throne — and to line up behind center for the Dragons.

1) Stannis fits the position physically

He’s a Baratheon, remember. The Baratheons are all big. Notice how reedy Joffrey is, at least in the show? There’s a reason for that — Joffrey doesn’t have a drop of Baratheon blood in him. Also Joffrey sucks. Stannis isn’t as wide as Robert, but that’s something of a blessing in this case. Stannis is tall enough to have a commanding view of the entire field and strong enough to stand up to even the most hellacious pass rush.

2) Stannis can keep a team together

By the time of A Dance with Dragons, Stannis’ army is beset by the first big blizzard of winter, a monster storm that piles in drifts forty feet high and threatens to swallow men whole. Other commanders would have difficulty focusing their efforts as a result of desertion and despair, but Stannis grimly keeps his army marching downfield toward Winterfell, for a battle many of them don’t expect to win. Stannis expects to win, though, because:

3) Stannis is the most well-rounded commander in all the Seven Kingdoms

I’m going to let this segment of a preview of The Winds of Winter illustrate just how experienced Stannis is as a warlord:

“Lord Ramsay is the one Your Grace should fear.”

Stannis bristled at that. “I defeated your uncle Victarion and his Iron Fleet off Fair Isle, the first time your father crowned himself. I held Storm’s End against the power of the Reach for a year, and took Dragonstone from the Targaryens. I smashed Mance Rayder at the Wall, though he had twenty times my numbers. Tell me, turncloak, what battles has the Bastard of Bolton ever won that I should fear him?”

“…You do not know him.”

“No more than he knows me.”

If that’s not convincing enough, check out this multi-part series on reddit about Stannis’ virtues as a commander. This is the kind of guy I trust to make the correct decision on his read progressions.

You might point to Stannis’ lack of charisma as his greatest flaw, and you might have a point. This is a man whose personality is best summed up by this sentence:

“He rose to his feet and frowned at them all.”

Not exactly Joe Namath, I know.

All that doesn’t matter though, because:

4) Stannis is a god damned lunatic

Book Stannis faces several situations where a sane person would have bent the knee or compromised, but Stannis doesn’t waver in the slightest from his conviction that he deserves the Iron Throne. He fights through setbacks that would drive a lesser man to suicide, engages in dark magic to achieve his goals, and kills his own brother because, in his head, his brother was a traitor, and traitors get the same punishment regardless of rank or relation.

Show Stannis (remember, we’re taking the best of both worlds) does stuff like this.

Watch that entire video. It’s glorious. All you need to know about how Stannis would be as quarterback is contained in the segment halfway through where Stannis is the first man up the ladders at King’s Landing despite not wearing a helmet or using a shield.

That’s the kind of king the Seven Kingdoms need to fight against the White Walkers, dragons or no. That’s the kind of leader the Westeros Dragons need to win a Super Bowl. The starting quarterbacking job is his — by rights — and woe to all those who stand against him on his way to the end zone.