A Survival Guide for Black Queer Fat Feminine People in College
By: Rasheeda Bradley
Often times I reflect on the first time I felt at peace in the classroom, it wasn’t in high school or elementary it was in my 10 am African American Religions class during my first year of college. Despite finding comfort in the classroom there was still a sense of unease. Energized by all of the intelligent black women in the classroom with me I still remained uncomfortable because in a class the often-centered black femininity, me the fat black genderqueer lesbian did not belong. It was until years later that I learned that my feelings and experiences were valid and thus I was called to ensure that other black queer fat feminine people survive college and thrive in becoming the person they truly are.
Step one: Know Yourself
People will try to define you in ways that don’t align with who you are. I remember forcing myself to present overly feminine to appeal to my classmates, professors and other people who tried to define me. In one instance, I was the body positive, gender-neutral pronoun using executive member of my college's LGBT organization but in the other instance, I was the overly policed quiet girl. When you spend so much time trying to portray yourself in a way that does not to align with who you know you are it is so easy to lose sight of what is truly important. Like sleeping, saving money and that test you have on Thursday that you have yet to study for. If the younger me would have been truer to herself a lot of issues could have been avoided.
Step Two: Find Your Tribe
People are social and the importance of socializing is more so important while trying to survive college. I was so lucky to have mentors, sister and friends support me in the most difficult of times. Find your people and cherish them they will make navigating a system that wants you to fail, easier. In times when the racism, sizeism, heteronormativity, and cis-normativity becomes too much, your tribe will uplift you or even be your second voice. While finding your tribe remove toxicity. Ignore or separate yourself from those in your life who make you feel less than or unwanted. If this person is a professor, succeed in their class and laugh as you walk out on your last class. There was one professor who often made me question my validity in academia but my tribe came to the rescue with laughter, music, and books.
Step Three: Don’t ALways Focus on the Bad
It is very easy to remember the bad and focus your energy solely on the bad. This even happened to me as I was writing this article. Try to take time to remember at least one good thing in the midst of all of the things that may be weighing you down. For example, being in the classroom often reminded me of classroom trauma. In times when the classroom became too much, I would remind myself of how important my voice and thoughts and how I have challenged people’s assumptions and created an important conversation. For many people, myself included found it easier to become obsessive the negative experiences in hindsight if I would have learned earlier to take time to remember the good I would have been able to handle my anxiety a lot better.
Last Step: Love yourself
Between late nights studying or laughing, take time to love yourself. Remember that your story is your own and it is your job to make it as vibrant as you can. Love yourself through success and even more through failure, just love yourself. I remember late nights crying because I felt weak and like a failure but even in those moments I loved myself fiercely. Sometimes loving myself meant taking classes such as race and gender studies classes to reaffirm the validity of my identities, but other times it meant being okay with failures and allowing myself to meditate.
Bonus: Tips for Educators who want to be Ally
Now a tip or two for the educators that want to make the experiences of fat black queer feminine people in college. First, don’t make assumptions. Don’t assume their gender, health or experience. We often already are over critical of ourselves and the space we take up and we don’t need that additional judgment from anyone else. Lastly, have the conversation, they may be uncomfortable, they will help you understand their experiences, as well as they, can, and act as a basis of a new person of support. Some of my favorite faculty and staff members from my undergraduate experience were those who spoke to me as an individual and tried to understand my needs even when I wasn’t able to communicate them. The educators who took time to do both of those things made my college experience a little more comfortable and lot more forgiving.
