Raising Independent Children to be Functional Adults
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
- Maimonides (1138–1204)
Independence is a problem when 55% of young adults in the U.S., between ages 18–34, are still financially dependent on their parents. That is more than half! As a teacher and director of child development centers for over a decade, I’ve encountered children who were about to transition to kindergarten without being able to dress themselves, pour milk into a cup, or even string an intelligible sentence together. It’s not because these children aren’t capable, but they haven’t been given the time and training to develop those skills due to impatience or enabling. This has been called learned helplessness. Before the advent of public education, children would work as farm hands and operate machinery in factories as young as five or six, meanwhile our progressive five-year-olds cannot even tie their own shoes. I’m not advocating for child labor, but I bring it up to demonstrate what children are capable of if we as caregivers and educators teach them how to figure things out through scaffolding rather than doing everything for them.
Why is Independence so Important?
Independence is a critical aspect of children’s development that supports their emotional, cognitive, social, and physical growth. By encouraging independence, parents and caregivers help children build the skills and confidence needed to navigate life successfully, fostering resilience, adaptability, and lifelong learning. When an individual is not allowed the freedom to solve their own problems, cope emotionally, or fend for themselves, they become dependent on other people or substances. Codependency is a growing problem with young adults because they did not learn to be socially or emotionally self-sufficient.
Codependency disorder refers to a type of dysfunctional relationship behavior in which one or both people experience an unhealthy level of reliance on the other. A codependent person may feel they are worthless without the other person. Sometimes referred to as a ‘relationship addiction,’… (Newport Institute, n.d.)
Studies show links between substance abuse and high codependency because they are more likely to self-neglect. Therefore, it is paramount for parents and educators to teach independence skills necessary for healthy relationships, mental resilience, and self-sufficiency.
How to Teach Independence
Humans have a particularly extended period of postnatal development, so they are naturally dependent on their mother the first year of their life. However, independence can be taught to an infant and toddler by gradually encouraging them to develop skills and confidence in their abilities while providing a secure and supportive environment. Infants begin to develop self-soothing skills, such as sucking on their own hands or fingers, as early as 3 months; but they can be helped by establishing a consistent sleeping and feeding routine. As the behaviors become more consistent, the parent or caregiver needs to allow the infant time to settle himself/herself back to sleep as they fuss before responding. The parent should gradually reduce nighttime intervention, so the child learns to self-soothe and sleep independently.
I’ve done this with my four children, and it is not easy to watch them fuss and cry; but our most important survival skills are developed in the struggle. There is an instinctually opposition in parents toward watching our children struggle. It is important to resist that urge to help when a child is struggling, as long as they are safe, because they may be on the brink of breakthrough. An infant needs to be allowed to make a mess and get frustrated as they learn to navigate a spoon. If not, you’ll be spoon-feeding them on their last “first” date ever.
Remember this quote:
Never do for a child that which they can do for themselves
Children are much more capable than we give them credit for, and parents annoy themselves with doing every little task their child says “mom” for. Parents will save themselves a lot of grief and underlying resentment by learning to say, “you can do it yourself.” When children are younger, that will excite them. Young children are eager to be independent and do things on their own, but it may be messy. They many need a stool to reach or child-safe tools, but that is what scaffolding is all about. In toddlerhood, they will need help stepping into the pants, but they can definitely pull them up if you give them time. The same is true with the shirt. Put it over their head and let them wiggle their arms through the sleeves. If you wait until they’re older to tell them, “You can do it yourself,” they will roll their eyes and become angry because they’ve gotten used to you doing everything for them, learned helplessness.
Run Around, Scrape Your Knee, Get Dirty
Kids in the past were more self-sufficient with more practical skills because they had household responsibilities and were given more freedom to roam outside. If you read books like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, you’ll be amazed at what those kids were reading and able to do on their own just 200 years ago. Contemporary children have jampacked schedules between a 7-hour school day, afterschool program, sports, and video games. Children spend less time exploring the outdoors and other environments which is a crucial way for creativity to flourish and develop new neuropathways. Part of the reason we don’t do this anymore is safety. The world is not as safe as it used to be, so we have become overprotective to the point of debilitation.
Children are glued to screens rather than playing outdoors because we don’t want them to get dirty, hurt, or stolen. I agree with the latter, but there are plenty of places you can go to let your kids get dirty and hurt without putting their safety at risk. Why would I want my kid to get hurt? Climbing a tree is fun, but you may fall and get hurt. Running around increases the risk of scraping a knee or elbow, but that’s no reason to prevent play. Children have to learn limits by getting scrapes and bruises or even broken arms. A kid who hasn’t been in a cast hasn’t lived. Inconvenience keeps us as parents and educators from allowing children to explore their true potential. They can handle working with tools, digging in dirt, and doing fun work if they feel it is gratifying and teaching them something worth knowing. These kinds of activities require confidence and courage. If you don’t allow your kid to try things that might get them hurt, they will always be too afraid to try anything potentially painful: a job, a relationship, or a passion.
Emotional Independence
Independence helps children learn to manage their emotions, deal with frustration, and handle stress. There is nothing wrong with comforting a child who is emotionally distressed or telling them something to make them feel better. It’s one of the joys of being a parent. It is also painful to see our children face disappointment or stress of any kind, but the worst thing we can do is try to prevent it. Frustration, grief, and pain are a part of life that we will all have to experience at some point, so you will do your child a disservice by trying to spare them from it. I’m not saying that you should be the cause of their grief but let them experience the sting of not turning in their homework instead of doing it. Let them face the consequences of their mistakes rather than fixing it for them. Let them go and make it right with their teacher or neighbor when they hit ball in their window. You won’t always be able to save them, so show them how to handle their own mistakes with humility and responsibility.
Friends are an incredible tool for shaping children’s independence and it’s important to let them figure out who their true friends are. Independent play and decision-making enhance social skills by encouraging children to negotiate, cooperate, and communicate effectively with peers. They learn to resolve conflicts and navigate social dynamics without constant adult intervention. We all have to stand up to a bully one day as a kid so we can stand up to that boss, coworker, or toxic partner. Many people have not learned these skills, and they turn to the bottle or run away anytime they run into difficulty. While they are young, it’s the parent’s job to teach them values and virtues to embody as adolescents and adults. When they are older, we cease to be teachers but mentors instead who comfort, support, and encourage them. That way we can retire from parenting comfortably, knowing our children are self-sufficient adults. If not, we will be parenting forty-year-old adults and their children into the twilight years.
Independence = Freedom
The goal of independence is freedom for yourself as a parent but also for the child. They will never be free to reach their potential while they are dependent on you. Independence doesn’t mean you won’t have a relationship with them or be close to them, but the relationship won’t have the underlying tension and disfunction of codependency. It has been proven that relationships between two independent people are healthiest because they love each other out of choice rather than need. This is true between caregiver and child. If you can appreciate each other without needing each other, you can have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
