Talking Away the Shame
Addressing and Managing Biting Behaviours in Children
One of the hardest things, for me, as an educator, is informing parents that their child is unwell or has been hurt. Biting incidents, in particular, come with a lot of associated shame, as if I’m not doing my job properly. Even though biting is something that most of us who interact with children have experienced, it doesn’t make it any less shameful.
As a professional, I know it happens and I understand the reasons behind it. However, despite being common among small children, there aren’t many studies on this behaviour to help understand it better. I believe we need to talk and write more about it to understand it and take the shame out of dealing with it. Hiding it won’t make it stop!
Biting causes stress for everyone involved: children, caregivers, and educators. The child is stressed because the consequence of biting is usually punishment and/or yelling. Caregivers are stressed due to the pain and shame associated with the incident. The parents of the child who bites frequently often feel ashamed of their child’s behaviour and may even consider isolation as a solution. Additionally, it’s challenging for the parents of the bitten child to accept “It’s just part of their development!” as an adequate response. This makes it very stressful for educators to communicate these types of incidents.
Dr. Joan Simeo Munson discusses the case of one mother who says, “I’m not allowed to bring Ben [5 years old] to play group anymore, the last time we went, he bit another boy who was playing with a truck Ben wanted. And the time before that, he hit a little girl across the face”.
Open dialogue about biting can help remove the stigma and shame associated with it. Instead of seeing it as a failure on the part of educators or parents, we need to approach it as a common developmental issue that can be managed with the right strategies.
So, why do children bite? I’m glad you asked… It’s crucial to understand that biting is often a developmental phase driven by frustration, lack of verbal skills, or the need for attention. By understanding the underlying causes, we can better address and prevent this behaviour because, even though toddlers seem to do everything in slow motion (specially if we are in a hurry), they will strike as fast as lighting when it comes to biting or hitting.
I believe it is important that, in order to try to understand the behaviour, we put ourselves at the children’s level… literally!
We occasionally have inspections at school to ensure that the hygiene, safety and governmental rules are being followed. We had an inspector come to the class while we were doing our morning meeting, and the children pointed out the inspector’s shoes. “I don’t know why, but children always notice my shoes”, the inspector said. When sitting on the carpet for circle time, the children’s vision will first notice the feet of someone entering the class, and they have to look way up to see their face. So the first impression will be… shoes (or feet, if barefoot), right?
This is a perfect example to demonstrate that, even when we are aware of all the safety rules and work with children, we may miss their point of views and create situations that seem unfair to the child. This may not correct the behaviour and could even make it worse.
Children are still discovering the world. What may be obvious to us may not be so obvious for them, especially when it comes to feelings, as they are still discovering them and learning how to deal with them.
Toddlers (between the ages of 1–2 years old) are becoming aware of themselves as individuals and have a need to do things on their own. Who hasn’t experienced the “We’re running late, let me help you, it will be faster” only to hear a firm “No! Me do it.” ?
Toddlers are also developing their language skills and find it extremely difficult to communicate their needs to their caretakers and even other children.
If being a toddler wasn’t already complicated, they also experience a constant conflict between the dependency that comes with being an infant and the growth of toddlerhood.
Having all that in mind, let’s explore toddlers’ perspectives a bit more deeply.
Physically, toddlers usually have chubby bodies and lack control over their arm and leg muscles, leading to very awkward movements. Their mouths are one of the most developed parts of their bodies, so everything is explored with their mouths. They are clumsy and have more control of their mouths, which makes biting, scratching, and pinching more common.
The reasons behind biting behaviour are varied. It can be self-defence, a reaction to a stressful situation, a lack of routine, extreme frustration or anger, inadequate speech development, over-stimulation, exhaustion, lack of adult supervision, or even mirroring the aggressive behaviours of other children around them. So, let’s get to it…
So, let’s dive in. How do we handle these behaviours? It’s important to stop them immediately when it happens, prevent situations that might lead to them, organise the environment to minimise triggers, and anticipate potential issues.
Create a space that accommodates the child while ensuring you can keep an eye on them. Praise good behaviour (“Thank you for sharing!”) and redirect negative actions gently but firmly (“Please don’t bite, use your words”). Teach alternative behaviours and provide appropriate toys or objects for biting. Set clear boundaries and consistently enforce them so the child understands what is acceptable. Establish clear physical boundaries since children may not fully grasp abstract ones. Sometimes, simply placing yourself between the children can help de-escalate a situation.
But why should we talk about this tricky topic? Won’t it just upset parents or cause panic at school? Actually, it’s really important to address it head-on. When parents and educators work together to guide learning both at school and at home, they can align their efforts and tackle behavioural issues more effectively.
Addressing biting and other challenging behaviours in children is essential for their development and the well-being of everyone involved. By understanding the reasons behind these actions and working together — educators and parents alike — we can create a supportive environment that encourages positive behaviour and effective communication.
Remember, the key is open dialogue and collaboration. The more we talk, the more we write, the more we learn!
