Why Can’t I Stop Worrying?
And 5 rules to stop worrying.
[Original on www.efiaskitchen.com]
“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose”
― Eckhart Tolle
I’m thinking you might be outraged by that quote. Over the years I have encountered countless clients who worried a lot and were convinced it was necessary and useful.
If I’m honest — I think sometimes worrying is useful. But there are very specific conditions under which it is useful. Otherwise, Eckhart is right, it serves no useful purpose.
When is worry useful?
Worry is useful when it leads to you changing something, which means the problem you were worrying about is resolved.
Worry can only do that when two conditions are met:
- What you are worrying about is actually happening — either right now or you know exactly when it will happen.
- What you are worrying about is within your control.
If either of those conditions is not met worry cannot be useful.
Why can’t it be useful?
Because either you are trying to solve a problem that does not exist (which is like trying to fly an aeroplane that is made of air) or you are trying to solve a problem that you cannot solve (which is like two-year-old trying to tie his own shoe laces).
Either way it’s impossible and also frustrating. And time consuming.
To summarise: if your worries fall into both of the categories above and they lead to you making meaningful change which solves the problem you are worrying about, you probably don’t need to stop worrying. What you’re doing is useful and necessary — it might even better be described as ‘problem solving’.
When do I need to stop worrying?
If you are spending a lot of time worrying about things that don’t fall into the above two categories or you are worrying but not doing anything about the problem — then you are probably wasting a lot of time.
Worry is also probably draining a lot of your energy. In fact, worrying is probably making you anxious. And maybe even irritable. And sleepless. And hopeless. And paralysed.
If that’s you — then it may be time to address your worrying.
I already know my worry isn’t helpful, but I can’t stop worrying.
Now you might be outraged by me instead of Eckhart. You may already recognise that your worrying is not serving any useful purpose and you may have already tried a million and one times to stop worrying.
But someone (including you) telling you to stop worrying is about as effective as … a two-year-old trying to tie his own shoelaces. It’s like being told to relax when we’re annoyed. In fact, being told not to worry might be making you worry more.
And that’s the first reason you may not be able to stop worrying. Trying to stop worrying is totally ineffective when we are just trying to push the thoughts away. Or to stop having the thoughts.
There is no way we can stop having a specific thought. In fact, don’t (and I mean DON’T) think of a pink elephant right now.
What’s happened? Yep, you’re probably thinking about a pink elephant.
Trying not to think something is totally ineffective. Just accept that the worry thoughts may enter your mind.
Rule no. 1 of not worrying:
don’t try to stop the thoughts.
The second reason you may not be able to stop worrying is that the human brain seems to be evolved to worry. We’re so much better at noticing negative things (like when your husband has been complimenting you all day but the one thing you really hear is when he mentions something you haven’t done so well). We’re also better at remembering negative things, like that one time your best friend let you down.
In fact, I have a theory that our mind fills any blank space with negative thoughts (unless we have consciously re-trained it and habitually practice filling it with other thoughts).
What the brain (usually) can’t do however is think two things at once.
This explains why when you’re trying to fall asleep your mind is suddenly filled with worries (a.k.a there was a blank space and your brain is filling it), whereas you can forget about your worries for hours when you’re having a good time with a friend.
Rule no. 2 of not worrying:
when worries enter your mind practice filling your mind with other thoughts instead. Focus on what you can see, hear and smell. Plan your dinner. Start a conversation with a friend. Listen to a podcast and really listen to what you are hearing.
This brings me to the third reason you can’t stop worrying. I recommend thinking of your brain as a muscle. The exercises you do often (worrying for example) are easy — your brain is well trained to do them. The exercises you don’t do often (focusing on your surroundings for example) are hard — those are muscles you haven’t trained as much. They get tired faster, you lose focus faster, it feels harder to do new exercises than what you’ve always done.
Rule no. 3 of not worrying:
train your brain. No matter how often your mind throws the worries back at you when you’re trying to focus on something different practice re-focusing. Use your new muscles — notice your surroundings instead of going down the rabbit hole of worries. Listen to what your partner is saying, smell your coffee, see what is happening on the TV screen.
The rabbit hole of worries brings me to the fourth reason you can’t stop worrying. This is an important one so focus while you’re reading.
Worrying feels useful.
When you worry you are trying to get certainty that something will or will not happen.
Examples may be:
- You want to be certain you won’t lose your job
- You want to be certain your kids will be successful as adults
- You want to be certain you won’t lose your home
- You want to be certain nothing bad will happen to your partner or parents
- You want to be certain a trip goes well
Quickly check — do these worries meet my two conditions of useful worries?
Not really, none of them are really within your control and none of them have specific time points of when they will or will not happen.
If your boss has told you that unless you start turning up to work on time you will lose your job — then it’s probably useful to be a bit worried and find a way to make sure you’re on time. If no such threats have been made it probably isn’t useful!
So if you’re a worrier you probably feel it’s useful when you worry because you keep coming up with solutions for things that haven’t happened or aren’t really within your control.
The problem is though — you will never be 100% certain. You can’t be because the worries don’t fall within my two conditions!
But in that moment when you found a potential solution your anxiety dropped. That drop in anxiety feels awesome. Your brain wants more of that.
So the next time you feel anxious because there is uncertainty your brain goes back to that solution from last time. It worries and worries and worries and worries until you feel you found a solution. And you feel a little less anxious.
But uncertainty remains and so you keep worrying.
Rule no. 4 of not worrying:
learn to live with uncertainty. Accept that bad things may happen but stop trying to solve them before they happen. You are trying to avoid pain by living the pain before it even happened.
I think nothing expresses this better than the serenity prayer and that’s what I would like to leave you with.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”
An exercise to help you to stop worrying:
You may have noticed I promised 5 rules to stop worrying. So here we go — the fifth reason you can’t stop worrying is probably that it feels like what you are worrying about is true or will definitely happen.
You might feel like you’re definitely at risk of losing your job. You might even feel that in your body — thanks to tightness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach, shakiness, racing thoughts and all those other horrible symptoms of anxiety.
The reason your body feels like this is many-fold. First of all, your worries may be triggering a physical stress response that makes you more likely to believe your worries (vicious cycle, I know).
But you may also have a genotype that means you are more reactive to stress chemicals in your brain, which makes it harder for you to turn off the physical feelings associated with worry. You may also have an imbalance in your gut bacteria, which means the messages from your gut make you more anxious (why do you think it’s called a gut feeling?). You may be experiencing blood sugar spikes and crashes, which feel like anxiety and may be causing you to feel like something is wrong.
Rule no. 5 of not worrying:
don’t believe everything your body tells you.
If this is you I would recommend working with a practitioner to explore underlying causes of your anxiety and worries. Have a look at my “Mental Health Package”, which includes DNA testing to explore root causes of how you feel, as well as cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness strategies to address worries and anxiety.
If you’re interested, why not book a free 15-minute introductory call to explore how therapy with me may be able to help you. Remember, these calls are totally obligation-free and are simply an opportunity for you to explore what help there is available.
I would love to hear from you. Comment below to tell me if you found this article useful — or if you’re still struggling with worry. I would love to help 🙂
