John Halcyon Styn
Dec 25, 2019 · 2 min read

Dear Santa,

You’ve got a great track record with your Xmas eve productivity. But what about the rest of the year? It’s time to stop wasting reindeer labor and pigeon-holing yourself into an industry that only has demand for ONE night a year!

We propose a partnership with “DOOR DASH” to create the world’s FIRST food delivery service that focuses on North Pole eateries.

Why limit yourself to toys!? With your drug-fuelled slaves…I mean, “mystical, well-treated reindeer,” you can magically deliver food all over the world! That means that everyone can now enjoy the menus of such delicious regional restaurants as:

Yule Thai — featuring Pole-to-pole fusion dishes like Mock Penguin Curry

Spaghetti & Sleigh Bells

Tundra Sushi (featuring elk & moose rolls!)

Burger Cane

TGIF (Thank God Its Figgy) the popular “build your own” pudding bar and tasting room

North Pho-king Pole

Santa’s Hamburger Helper Lounge (although their “Endless Gingerbread Basket” will not be available for delivery.)

And craft cocktails from “North Pole” & “Sugarplums” (the highest Yelp-rated gay & lesbian elf bars, respectively.)

You then collect a modest service charge for every delivery.


Sound *appetizing*?

Let’s do lunch.

Love you,

Jimmy & Johnny.

2019 Santa Response

Dear Jimmy and Johnny,

I think you’re on to something. People need food every day so there would be unlimited demand. And because of my advanced delivery system, I could probably run the other food delivery folks out of business. Plus, by using the chimney method, we’ll save a lot of time.

This could be a great income producer AND do it year round. I like that CHA-CHING idea.

I think maybe we should start fazing out the Santa letters and toy delivery and concentrate on the Door Dasher. (Dasher particularly likes that name for the enterprise) I mean, really, aren’t we all a little tired of all these toys?

So, do you know anyone in marketing who could help us? I’m excited about this new direction.

Let’s go for it!




Wacky Holiday Traditions & Santa Gifts Gone Wrong

John Halcyon Styn

Written by

Life Artist. Pink Evangelist. Love Ambassador.


Wacky Holiday Traditions & Santa Gifts Gone Wrong

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade