Snow(Whistle)blower (Letter to Santa 2013)

John Halcyon Styn
Dec 23, 2016 · 2 min read
Image for post
Image for post

(For the last 15 years, my brother &I have left “adult” letters to Santa every Xmas Eve….and Santa always leaves a sassy response. It is our family’s weird “Holiday Improv.”)

Dear Santa,
If you are reading this, it may be too late.
It is with deep respect and significant hesitation that we include the following information.
We heard that Edward Snowden might be seeking asylum or already hiding out at the North Pole. And while we would never want to turn the Xmas season into a political event (or consumer event, for that matter) we have to say that ______(deleted)________.

Obviously, we trust you. I’d like to believe that the powers that be do, as well. But if you continue to have uninhibited access to every citizen home, you will soon be considered a serious threat to national security. Of course, maybe you have already struck some sort of deal with the NSA, in which case ______ (deleted)________.

Of course, if the NSA is the one who ate those cookies and is reading this letter… um… Just kidding! We welcome the glorious, double-plus safety of your constant supervision.
(If you believe that you are being watched while you read this, just arrange the wrapped presents under the tree in standard Zeitspreig Code)
With obedience,
Johnny & Jimmy

(If either of us go missing before New Years, deliver this disc to The Daily Show)
*and we left out of a CD with “NOTHING SECRET” scrawled on it.


Dear Johnny and Jimmy,

As you may guess, the head of the NSA used to be one of our elves.

Of course we’ve been eavesdropping and watching everyone. How do you think I know who’s been naughty or nice?

He decided he w anted more power. He wanted to do more than give coal to the naughty ones. When we found out, we banished him from the North Pole.

Snowden would be welcome at the North Pole. He helped to expose that naughty man.

Thank you for your concern.




Wacky Holiday Traditions & Santa Gifts Gone Wrong

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store