Snow(Whistle)blower (Letter to Santa 2013)

John Halcyon Styn
Dec 23, 2016 · 2 min read

(For the last 15 years, my brother &I have left “adult” letters to Santa every Xmas Eve….and Santa always leaves a sassy response. It is our family’s weird “Holiday Improv.”)

Dear Santa,
If you are reading this, it may be too late.
It is with deep respect and significant hesitation that we include the following information.
We heard that Edward Snowden might be seeking asylum or already hiding out at the North Pole. And while we would never want to turn the Xmas season into a political event (or consumer event, for that matter) we have to say that ______(deleted)________.

Obviously, we trust you. I’d like to believe that the powers that be do, as well. But if you continue to have uninhibited access to every citizen home, you will soon be considered a serious threat to national security. Of course, maybe you have already struck some sort of deal with the NSA, in which case ______ (deleted)________.

Of course, if the NSA is the one who ate those cookies and is reading this letter… um… Just kidding! We welcome the glorious, double-plus safety of your constant supervision.
(If you believe that you are being watched while you read this, just arrange the wrapped presents under the tree in standard Zeitspreig Code)
With obedience,
Johnny & Jimmy

(If either of us go missing before New Years, deliver this disc to The Daily Show)
*and we left out of a CD with “NOTHING SECRET” scrawled on it.


Dear Johnny and Jimmy,

As you may guess, the head of the NSA used to be one of our elves.

Of course we’ve been eavesdropping and watching everyone. How do you think I know who’s been naughty or nice?

He decided he w anted more power. He wanted to do more than give coal to the naughty ones. When we found out, we banished him from the North Pole.

Snowden would be welcome at the North Pole. He helped to expose that naughty man.

Thank you for your concern.




John Halcyon Styn

Written by

Life Artist. Pink Evangelist. Love Ambassador.


Wacky Holiday Traditions & Santa Gifts Gone Wrong

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