Global Warming Santa Fashions (Letter to Santa 2009)
(For the last 15 years, my brother &I have left “adult” letters to Santa every Xmas Eve….and Santa always leaves a sassy response. It is our family’s weird “Holiday Improv.”)
We at the Eggnography Institute for Yuletide Research are dedicated to maximizing the Xmas experience for all good little boys and girls (plus related icons and subsidiaries.)
Due to recent climate change research we can no longer endorse the current “Father Christmas” uniform that has been used consistently in recent decades. (With the noted exception of the “Neon Santa” outfit that was used briefly during the 80’s.)
While the fashion statement is still effective, the world temperatures simply make a full body winter suit to be uncomfortable in 2009, and no doubt dangerously hot in coming years.
So we have had our researchers use the latest in computer simulation technology (as well as cutting edge weather forecasting software) to design the ideal apparel for your future world-wide toy runs.
We know it will be warm, but let’s stick with this look for the time being.
Starting next year, let’s take the obvious steps towards shorts and lighter fabrics.
By this time, any fabric will be mostly symbolic. But we think it will be important to wear the red speedo to maintain brand consistency (and avoid scaring toddlers.)
By 2030 we plan to have our genetic fashion modifications deployed and see Santa Inc. a leader in underwater dwelling. The webbed fingers, gills, and merman tail are all shown in figure 4.
We hope you are as excited as we are about our aquatic Yuletide future! Thanks for everything and enjoy the rest of your night!
Jimmy & Johnny, Eggnography Institute for Yuletide Research.
p.s. Please leave some spit, sweat or semen in the glass so we can begin working on your genetic modifications.
********* SANTA’S RESPONSE *********
Dear Jimmy and Johnny,
Boy, you researchers are really on top of things. I like next year’s fashion statement, but I’m a little concerned after that. As your illustration shows, I’m not exactly svelte.
Now your 2030 idea of genetic modification shows some real promise. Can you work out some super power to go with the new Santa MerMan image? I think the world is ready for a new Super Hero. I’m ready to give up my one day a year gig and start saving the world. The “Naughty List” I‘ve been keeping should give me plenty of bad guys to annihilate.
I appreciate the Eggnography Institute for Yuletide Research being so far-sighted.
Here’s my specimen.
This is SO exciting!
Have a Merry Christmas and be nice to your mother.