(For the last 15 years, my brother &I have left “adult” letters to Santa every Xmas Eve….and Santa always leaves a sassy response. It is our family’s weird “Holiday Improv.”)
Dear Santa, While many wonder how you travel around the world in a night or go up and down chimneys, we know the truth. It is pretty obvious that you are a Jedi Knight. Maybe it is the proximity to the North Pole that kicks your midiclorians into high gear. It takes some Yoda-like Force to be able to know who is naughty and who is nice. Despite all the FOX news rhetoric against the “rebel scum,” we are proud to have you — or any Jedi — in our home. If you have a free sec, could you answer a few questions about your adventures and alternative lifestyle?
1. Is being on the Naughty List a reliable predictor of who succumbs to the Dark Side? 2. Are Prancer, Blitzen and Donner actually Wookies? 3. Can your sleigh make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs? 4. Did Mrs. Claus ever date Lando Calrissian?
Thanks for all you do for the children of the Earth– and for the ones in galaxies far, far away. Love, Jimmy & Johnny
*** SANTA’S RESPONSE ***
Dear Jimmy and Johnny,
I’m amazed that it’s taken so long for my true identity to be figured out. Of course I’m a Jedi Knight. Only the intense training by the Masters could have prepared me for this yearly journey. I spend my year honing my skills with the Force.
As to your questions. I never wish to put anyone on the naughty list. However, it’s sometimes necessary. The Dark Side can be very powerful. I always hope they can be turned around toward good.
As to my sleigh, I do cover a large area in a short night, but twelve parsecs is plenty of time. I’m able to cover the earth and galaxies far, far away. It’s all in the manual.
You’ll have to ask Mrs. Claus about the last question. Lando and I are no longer on speaking terms since his last visit.
Remember to stay on the Nice List and May the Force be with You.
Till next year,