Published in


Recession Suggestions (Santa Letter 2008)

Dear Santa,
The economic downturn has been tough on all of us. And while we’re not privy to your financial statements, the number of kids asking for ipods and cell phones can NOT be making things any easier for you.
But not to worry!
We have been tossing around some ideas and we think we have some rock-solid ideas to help you maximize profits and avoid any Elfin layoffs.

We’ve come up with 2 new revenue streams for you:

1) Leverage your good name.
(Not in a tacky way, of course.) We have a couple suggestions right off the bat and have initiated talks with Procter and Gamble (for a “Candy Cane” scented line of hair and beard grooming products) as well as the Nestle corporation (see prototype candy packaging attached to this note.)

2) Hire out the Elf workforce during the off season.
There are hundreds of options, but the obvious one to start with are as stunt men for children (duh! Maybe you are already doing this?) We also have some interested parties who would like to get started on some miniature re-enactments of Civil War battles.

Look, we love you and don’t mean to tell you how to do your business. But times are tough and we hate to see you (or any Elf families) suffer.

Jimmy & Johnny


Dear Jimmy and Johnny,

I appreciate your concern. The economy has really tanked all over the world. At least the North Pole is not as affected by the downturn since no one seems to know in which country it’s located. Pretty cagey, huh?

Our biggest problem has been trying to keep the reindeer out of sight. That Sarah Palin is a wicked sharpershooter.

Actually Mrs. Claus has been taking correspondence courses for her MBA and has come up with some ideas of her own.

1) Since sequels have been so popular in Hollywood, she’s trying to peddle the idea of a Wizard of Oz-Part 2. This could get the elves some off-season work and cut down on our unemployment costs.

2) She’s suggested I write a children’s book. I’m one of the few “strangers” that kids are encouraged to know and trust. I could warn them about “bad” strangers or tell them things to really warp their minds. We could go either way.

I like your suggestions and Mrs. Claus and I will discuss them. I just need to get this night over with first. You know, there are a lot more kids around now than there used to be. You’d think some people had never heard of birth control. It’s becoming a really difficult job.

I guess I shouldn’t complain. I really only work one night a year.

Be good to your mother and continue to care for the planet and its inhabitants.




Wacky Holiday Traditions & Santa Gifts Gone Wrong

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
John Halcyon Styn

John Halcyon Styn

Life Artist. Pink Evangelist. Love Ambassador.