46.

I think I forgot how to pray
What does that even mean?
How was I able to do it before?
Just sit down (or stand up, or walk…) and talk to God
Tell him about my day, my fears, my hopes…
Ask him for guidance, forgiveness, grace
Thank him
Enjoy his presence. His word. His music
How was I able to do all this?
What changed?

Whatever it is, ever since it did change, well, it changed
My whole life changed
So many major decisions made
Have I tried to seek clarity?
Every time I think I’ve found it
I get bludgeoned by something else
That’s why I think it’s ridiculous that I could actually forget how to pray
That I could dare trust my mortal mind, instincts, emotions
That I could dare rely on that and that alone
No wonder the turmoil
No wonder the almost botched relationships
The fog
Constantly trying to answer the question
“What do I want?” Because that’s what everyone keeps asking me
As opposed to “What was I made for?”
The answer doesn’t come from me

I’m so tired of running blind
It’s exhausting. It’s unsettling
It’s hard to stay confident
It’s like i’m on a train in motion
I don’t know where it’s going
I don’t know where it’s supposed to be going
I keep trying to take control of it
The only thing that’s constant is the fact that the train won’t stop moving
The carousel never stops
I hate this out of control feeling

Which brings me back to prayer
Why would anyone stop praying?
Why would anyone opt to hop onto an out of control train?
I need saving. Again. As always
I need some light before I run myself dry
I need you… need some quiet in my life so I can hear you speak
I need the train to slow down enough for me to get a sense of direction from you
In fact, I need the train to just stop
I’m not making any more decisions
Staying put until the word comes from you
Why do I distance you from my daily life?
Why do I think there can possibly be a distinction between my relationship with you and everything else?
Why do I try to put you in a corner?
I’m so tired, Lord
So tired