Where’s the foreplay in network events?
Hey, stop trying to penetrate me with your pitches. At least lube me the fuck up first.
I have a problem with network events. I’ve tried it and I’m terrible at it. When I do events I usually seclude myself in one of the corners of the venue, like a animal constantly needing to see an exit.
Why do I have a problem with network events? Because pitches.
It happens every time. I stand in a crowded venue, holding a drink. I’m not thirsty, but it keeps me busy. Then it happens. I see that guy (it’s almost always a guy btw). Between 40–50 years old, he’s well dressed. Not in a full suit, but in a smart casual outfit. Blazer, jeans and nice shoes. He might have a nerdy pin or other accessories. Shows his start-upy vibe. He eyes me. It’s not to check me out sexually, but so see if I’m worthy. Worthy of what he has practised for so long, ready to serenade any person that crosses his path.
He walks up to me. Hands will be shaken. He’ll ask: “So what do you do?”. I’ll probably be brief, saying “I advice and project manage large web projects”. Sure, I could say more. I could say I ride gigantic chipmunks of death while I naked spit fire of fury on my unborn enemies. It doesn’t matter. He’s not listening. He’s preparing for his time.
Yes, The Pitch.
“Do you know what online advertisement is?” he’ll ask. I quietly sigh, but as a polite Norwegian I will confirm that I have heard of online advertisement. For the next minutes of both our lives, words like “revolutionising our field”, “segmentation”, “AI” and “we are creating a new market” will fill the void.
I never ask questions. There is no room for questions.
With lack of exhalation, he ends his pitch. He’s very satisfied with his efforts. He’s potentially got a new partner.
I can’t remember the pitch. I zoned out. But, it’s usually never that exciting. Exciting pitches doesn’t happen like a dead call. They usually get explained by someone who is a fan. No, the only reason why this pitch happened was so he could explain his company.
I smile and say that his project sounds very exciting. Remember, I’m a polite Norwegian. We shake hands and agree that it was a nice conversation, but mentally agree that it’s time to split our ways.
He tries to find another prey. I leave the venue.
I know that networking is important. I’ve gotten so many benefits from having a network, but hot damn there’s better ways than doing cold call pitches.
So if you recognise me at an event, please come and say hi. I love that. But if you try to pitch me without lubing me up first, I will ride my gigantic chipmunks of death while I naked spit fire of fury on you.
