Breaking the Perfect Cycle
Why we should expect less from our children
Why do we want to be perfect? Babies aren’t born with a desire for perfection — rather, this is something we learn, first and foremost, from our parents. We use the word ‘perfect’ as praise, setting unreasonable expectations for our children. Let’s take a step back and look at the origins of perfectionism: the ways we perpetuate it generation after generation. And then, let’s work to break the cycle.
Ela Crain, published author, speaker, and coach, works with people from all walks of life, helping them overcome the perils of perfectionism. In the previous articles in this series, Ela debunks the myths of perfectionism and discusses the myriad of ways to overcome it. Almost all of us suffer from it — other than children, that is. Kids aren’t perfect, and they don’t care. So then where does our incessant drive for perfection come from?
Ela reflects on her own life, thinking back on her experience of writing a novel — having both the time and ideas and yet finding herself unable to write. Perfectionism stood in her way, but she found herself questioning, “Where did it come from? Since when have I been yearning to create something perfect? Why did I expect my first book to be nothing less than a bestseller?” Ela’s example self-examination is something we should all undertake to discover the origins of our perfectionistic tendencies. But, for most of us, the answer is simple: our parents.
Parents are often completely unaware of the burdens they place on their children by demanding perfection from them. Ela recalls an interaction with a neighbor who once said, “No one wants to know that their child is not perfect.” Ela says of the interaction, “That was a scary thing to hear because, well, it is not though. You are completely deluding yourself by expecting your child to be perfect and also putting so much burden on your child.”
The burden of perfection is a heavy, lifelong struggle to attain the unattainable. This is something that surely no parent would wish on their child. So why, then, do we expect perfection? Ela says, “It’s likely that the neighbor of mine was treated the same way — she was expected to be perfect when she was a child herself.”
In order to stop expecting children to be perfect, we must stop expecting ourselves to be perfect. “It starts from childhood,” Ela says. “We learn from our parents; we observe them, see them beating themselves up and demanding so much from themselves, and we adopt that way of living.”
Children are born imperfect and unafraid. Ela gives the example of a little girl painting, joyfully creating one picture after another without fear or self-doubt. “There’s no self-judgement yet, they learn it from us,” she explains. “They see us making something, then not being secure about it, questioning it and then remaking it — they learn that you can be unhappy with your creations, that your creations may not be good enough. They learn that it’s acceptable to not accept yourself, and that you have to keep up this perfect image.” That’s why:
“Perfectionism is a vicious circle that goes on and on, from one generation to another.”
How do we break the cycle? With mindfulness, self-acceptance, and personal development. “We must work on ourselves and and ‘be the change’ for our children,” Ela says. “We can preach as much as we want, but unless we are being the change we can’t show them what we mean. If we can create some space for children to grow up in an environment free of perfectionism, which is happening with new schools around the world, we can prevent our children from catching this disease while we are working on ourselves. And this work can be done through workshops, books, videos, and personal development programs.” Ela herself offers various workshops and programs to help individuals strive for excellence rather than perfectionism.
Addressing perfectionism is a long road of learning self-love and self-acceptance. Rather than passing the poisonous seeds of perfectionism on to the next generation, let’s work on ourselves — let’s change the way we frame our world for our children with our actions and our words. Language is a powerful tool and a great place to start — Ela has a fun tip: “‘Watch your mouth’ is how we grew up, but my motto is, ‘Watch my mouth’. Even if I say ‘Perfect timing’, just warn me, because what I want to say is, ‘Excellent timing.’
If you’re curious about the difference between excellence and perfectionism, check out out our previous discussion on perfectionism. This is the fourth article in a series exploring and debunking the myths of perfectionism with Ela Crain. Drop Ela a line to share your struggles.
Erika Clugston is a freelance writer and artist based in Berlin. With sass and pizazz, Erika writes about art, culture, and all things Berlin related. She has degrees in Fine Art and English from Southwestern University and is currently the Editorial Assistant for LOLA Magazine.
