Connecting with friends
How to get beyond superficial topics when talking with friends
Breeze through the fluff, and get to the good bits sooner
Have you ever had the feeling that you spend all your time with friends covering surface layer details, without getting to any of the interesting, or important topics? Yeah. Us too.
Well, it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some simple ways to make sure you’re covering the topics that matter.
1. Develop your ‘positive affective presence’.
A positive ‘affective presence’ was first described in 2010 by the researchers Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein, and describes a personality trait that can best be summed up as eliciting positive emotional responses from others, putting them at ease and generally just coming across as being friendlier. A follow up study noted that positive effective presence not only encourages better sharing of information, while also increasing the likelihood they will voice their opinions in the first place.
Whilst research still needs to be done into what exactly constitutes an ‘effective presence’, we know it when we see it; positivity, good active listening and to borrow from the French, a pinch of ‘je ne sais quoi’ that puts people at ease.
If this all sounds totally unattainable, don’t worry. What we do know is that emotions are contagious, and active listening can be taught. So, by entering a conversation with a positive attitude and paying attention to the conversation, not interrupting, and taking the time to understand what the speaker is discussing — you’ll be well on the way to oiling the gears of your next friendly catch up.
2. Prime your friend with topics of interest
Regular catch ups on topics that matter are great (something we facilitate at Elephants) but aren’t always possible between friends. Ahead of your next catch up, think about sending a text message ahead of time picking up on a recent conversation you’ve had. Not only will this show a level of consideration, but it will also help accelerate the conversation through the meet and greet phase, to the conversation and sharing phase.
3. Give a bit to get a bit
If conversations are lagging, or beginning to feel too much like a one sided interrogation, feel free to open up by sharing something that you wouldn’t necessarily share on social media. Not only will this signify a level of trust in the person you’re speaking with, but more often than not it will encourage them to share a bit about themselves as well — opening the conversation in a way that is natural and reciprocal.
4. Recognise that not everyone is, will be, or can be, your bestie
A study by Jeffrey Hall out of University of Kansas found that you need to spend about 50 hours with a person to elevate your relationship from acquaintance to friend, and about 200 hours together to elevate your friend from friend’ status to the rarefied ‘best friend’ status. This work builds upon the work of Robin Dunbar who theorizes that there are layers of friendship and cognitive limits to the number of people each person can let into our inner sanctum (spoiler alert: most people can sustain no more than five close friends and fifteen ‘good friends’). What this all boils down to is that it takes time and lots of shared experiences to build consistency with people, and even then they may be so cognitively overloaded with existing relationships, it can be difficult to crack deep conversations with some people, in some circumstances. So take it slow and build up to it.
Elephants is a private place where small groups of close friends can set and share goals, chat freely and celebrate achievements.
