How to Increase Your EQ in 5 Ways (from an ENFP)
As a proud ENFP and empath, I can say that being in tune with your own emotions and of others can be immensely effective, if harnessed and used correctly. And in the current COVID-19 crisis, we need everyone to be empathetic and connected more than ever.
For those who do not know, EQ is emotional quotient. As the emotional half of IQ, EQ encompass “soft skills,” such as being self aware, tactfully navigating through relationships, being empathetic to others, and using emotions to facilitate certain thinking. IQ and EQ work best in tandem and can be immensely effective when built off each another. I personally admire and look to leaders with high EQ because I can see them succeeding in team work, influencing, and managing others effectively. It’s not only a skill, but an art.
You can be a genius well-equipped with all the technical skills in the world and hold a high IQ of 180, but if you’re a nasty person to work with, you cannot get that far in life.
A great example caught my eye yesterday: a tired reporter blanked on a question he wanted to ask Jacinda Arden, Prime Minister of New Zealand. He stutters and says “sorry, it doesn’t matter.”
She says, “No problem, I will come back to you — I do worry about your sleep at the moment, Justin.” In that brief moment, she expressed empathy. Through her words, she indicated that his forgetfulness was not due to negligence, but due to his tireless work on getting breaking news to the people. And the best — calling him by his name, which is a small thing, but it is a reference to his direct identity, making him feel connected and as an equal.
By studying the people I respect and leaders with high EQ, these are the takeaways that I’d like to share, so you can improve your emotional intelligence:
Show curiosity. Ask questions that cannot result in a “yes” or “no.” Structuring thoughtful questions can help you get to know another person better. Be present. Take any distraction away — that means closing your laptop or placing your phone screen down. When I am involved in a conversation, I do this. By doing this, you let the other person know that your full attention is there, and that you are genuinely interested in listening to what they have to say.
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. — Dale Carnegie
Learn the best parts of people and help them discover it. I have no pHD in people, but in almost every social setting, I‘ve found it educational to be observing, listening, and processing. How someone’s face lights up when they talk about a topic. How you see them excelling in leading a group. Take note of the positive qualities of that person and let them know that you recognize and appreciate those qualities. An outside perspective is refreshing, and can help someone tap into their inner potential.
Observe conversations and practice influencing the sentiment. I find this extremely important, especially in leadership. A bad speech can make people feel deflated. A good speech can be empowering. Step back and watch the social nuances and interactions from respectable, well-liked speakers. These can be found in your daily life, whether it’s the friendly barista, the front desk admin, the likable executive, or the well-connected friend. Take mental notes on how people engage in great conversations, how they round out conversations when the topic is being deterred, and how they can control how conversation ebbs and flows.
Journal, always. Journaling is the written word of your history of thoughts, experiences, and stories — all beautifully captured in your own words and showing progression of your own growth. Writing down helps you refer back to a pivotal learning experience or painful moment, and allows the time for self reflection; it has kept me grounded. I’ve always felt journaling is therapeutic, and has helped me find certain negative triggers and patterns when I reflect back. Thus leading me to try and fix them. I also write letters to my future self before my birthday, and I empathize with the younger Emily, but also congratulate her on developing from another year.
Don’t put yourself above others and treat others as an equal. Being judgmental is like having a polluted mind because you’ve left no space for learning. You can always learn something from someone. I live in an condominium near Orchard, a mass sprawling mecca of luxury malls and condos occupied by expats. I befriended our security guard, Bulu, and like to greet him with a smile and cheerful “Hello!” whenever I see him. He was skeptical of me at first (because why would this random stranger keep waving to him), but we have become friends. I learn about how he immigrated to Singapore, how he works 12 hour shifts every day, how he’d rather work than go home because he has no family here, and how most people in the building never acknowledge or greet him. I’ve empathized with him, became his friend, and as a result, I have also learned a lot from him and enjoy our conversations. And it would not have happened without a simple hello.
Here are some ideas you can put into practice:
#1 — Do something kind or thoughtful for a person, and do it with the intention of not wanting anything back in return. It can be a handwritten note, sharing a well-written article you read about, or grabbing a snack for someone on the way.
#2 — Ask for feedback from those closest to you. They’ve seen how you are at your highs or lows. Ask them how you can improve as a person and be open minded when taking in that advice.
#3 — Practice positivity in your daily life. Write down and record moments of happiness and why you are grateful for them.
#4 — Bring others who are out into the circle. At an event where you already know everyone? Bring an outsider into the group who is standing alone; make an effort to know the new person and help this person engage and feel at ease. They will remember your thoughtfulness and become an ally.
These small ideas of practice can be done in every day life, and even better if you track and write down your experiences in a journal. I do believe emotional intelligence can be cultivated and taught, just like how a muscle can become trained. At the deepest of our core, all of us are human and can exercise more empathy to connect with each other.
Emily is a US expat currently living in Singapore to learn about the tech communities growing in Asia. She has worked 4+ years in dev relations, community management, and event marketing within the tech and travel industry. Her time at OmniSci, Google and Booking.com gave her cross-functional expertise. In her free time, she runs the volunteer community initiatives for Singapore Women’s Network and CMX Hub Singapore, as well as promote and write on the importance of early investing and financial literacy at Fangfinance.
