LONELINESS IS A CONTROL GAME
Your loneliness is controlling you, it is robbing you, and it is up to you to eradicate it! Before you can eradicate loneliness you must know what it is, and you must know how it is impacting society. The dictionary defines loneliness as being (of a place)the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation. Science identifies loneliness as a signal akin to hunger and thirst. What is it signaling? Connection.
Now that you know what loneliness is, let’s talk about its impact. Cigna, health insurance provider, found that 61% of Americans, surveyed in their 2019 loneliness study, reported experiencing loneliness. That is up from 54% in 2018. Loneliness increases your chance of stroke by 32%, it is like smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and it increases premature death by 26% Loneliness is robbing you of your health. (1)
You are probably wondering,”Who are you?”, and “why is eradicating loneliness important to you?” My name is Nathan, I am the Founder of No Label Defines Me Coaching, LLC, and I was born with Cerebral Palsy. Loneliness is important to me because I am a man with a disability, and with this I have experienced loneliness on many different levels. Studies show that men report feelings of loneliness at a higher rate than women. 63% of men report experiencing loneliness compared to 58% of women(2). Along with being a man, I also have a disability. The latest research out of England shows that 13% of the population of people with disabilities report feeling lonely “often or always” as compared to 3.4% for people who do not have a disability(3). Men are told to “Man Up”, suck it up, and don’t cry. Showing your emotions is a no no. We are trained to be the protector and provider of the family with a very limited view of what that actually means. As I write this I am envisioning Arnold, Sly, and Jean Claude. This is important because the label of man is one of I have to handle everything by myself, and if I admit I am struggling I consider myself a failure. I must not appear weak. Add the label of disabled to the mix and you have another layer of opportunity to experience loneliness (as I’ve shown in the stats). It is difficult to describe the full feeling that is created when someone is talking about you with a friend or family member and you are standing right there. Sometimes it feels like no matter how talented and smart I am, that I was still considered an afterthought. I spent a whole year on my mom’s couch after college. I had no car, there was limited transportation, and I would submit resumes and be isolated in my home. When I would get a callback I would be excited. I would nail the phone interviews, but when it came to the in-person meeting I realized I was wasting my time because as soon as I met the interviewer I saw a drastic shift in their impression of me. I felt like no matter what I did I wouldn’t be good enough.
In the times that I have felt the most lonely, I have felt inadequate, robbed of my voice, and unable to live up to a societal expectation of what it means to be a man. For you, the expectations and labels may be different, but I am willing to bet they are there?
I know that this conversation is a heavy one, but I know it is an important one. I also know that you are worth the fight, and you have a great capacity to connect with others. It’s time to go to work. Here are two strategies to eradicate your loneliness and increase your connection.
Two Ways To Begin To Eradicate Loneliness
- REALIZE YOUR LONELINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
You have given your power away to other people. You focused your attention on things you cannot control, what other people think of you, their expectations of you, and the fear of failing in their eyes. You have to focus on the things you control.
Take a minute to do this exercise: Grab two sheets of paper, on the top of one write, things outside of my control, on the top of the other write, things I control. Fill out each page until you have completed your lists. Make a commitment to yourself that GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY ENDS TODAY! YOU HAVE A LOT TO BRING TO THE WORLD. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL! Your loneliness may be your responsibility, but you don’t have to fight it alone.
2. TAKE COURAGEOUS ACTION
Now that you are focused on what you control, it is time to adapt the actions you take. This may scare you because you are focusing on yourself; it is worth it. Answer the following six questions for yourself.
- WHAT DO I ASPIRE TO BE, AND WHO CAN I EMULATE?
- WHAT BEHAVIORS DO I WANT TO ADOPT?
- WHAT BEHAVIORS DO I WANT TO CONTINUE?
- WHAT MUST I STOP?
- WHAT MUST I NEVER DO?
- WHAT WILL YOU ALWAYS DO?
Coach, Craig Ballantyne says, “Action beats anxiety.”
“You are doing the best you can at this given moment.” — Nathan Todd
Now you can begin to control your loneliness because you are focusing on what you can control. You are becoming more connected with who you want to be because you are taking action on what you want. Now your loneliness does not control you. YOU CONTROL YOUR LONELINESS! THE WORLD NEEDS YOU!
If you are struggling with loneliness and are ready to put together a plan of attack to eradicate it from your life, email me at eradicateloneliness@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am not a medical professional. This information is based on my own experience of dealing with loneliness. If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or any health related condition please seek medical council. If you’re experiencing loneliness you can Text HOME to 741741 in US or Text 686868 in Canada
References:
1.Loneliness Is At Epidemic Levels In America
https://www.cigna.com/about-us/newsroom/studies-and-reports/combatting-loneliness/
2.Most Americans Are Lonely, And Our Workplace Culture May Not Be Helping
Elena Renken — https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/01/23/798676465/most-americans-are-lonely-and-our-workplace-culture-may-not-be-helping
3.Disability, Well-being and Loneliness, Uk: 2019
