The Art-form of Finding Quality Friends

As we grow into our years, our time becomes more valuable as it is fleeting. Use it wisely with people.

Published in

Elevate Yourself

5 min readJul 4, 2020

It is with truth that just like life, friendships have a lifecycle; the beginnings have an end. As responsibilities grow with age, we tend to become bogged down with the responsibilities of real life, such as having a 9–5 job, having mouths to feed, or running your own business. I tend to see myself become close to those who within the proximity of wherever I am in the present, as well as those whose interests align with mine. Such is the nature of things, and I’ve seen myself drift further away from those who don’t put effort into the friendship nor carry the same interests anymore.

And that is life.

You are the reflection of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

So choose carefully. These were the words my father had told me over and over again when I was a child. It was important to be around people who had wider views, who were kind people, and who always had something to share. If you only spent time with people who had a narrow view on life, perhaps that is the only view you think is possible to have. In 2020, I met different kinds of people outside my normal tech circle from joining my friend’s Facebook community group of savvy travelers. It was an organic group that sprung up as she was trying to create tech communities in various cities, but it just became a forum for discussion and making new connections (which I preferred).

Through that group, I met new friends; these people were not software engineers, product managers, marketers, or account executives. These were entrepreneurs, podcasters, career coaches, content creators, and digital nomads. It was quite frankly…inspiring, and it made me jealous. I wanted that life, but it seemed so out of reach. But as I got to meet more and more people in those unconventional roles, I realized it was possible — I just had never been exposed to living a life like that. Through conversations with my friends, I got to learn more about how they were able to freely live the life they wanted.

In a Women’s Personal Finance group that I’m in, I read a passage that made a lot of sense. It’s the a screenshot on the left; it’s a page from the book Works Well with Other Shaking Hands, Shutting Up, and Other Crucial Skills in Business That No One Ever Teaches You by Ross McCammon.

The test is “two beers and a puppy.”

Would I have two beers with this person? 🍺

Would I allow this person to look after my puppy over a weekend? 🐶

Those are questions to ask when determining how you feel about someone. For some, it’s yes and no, or yes and yes. But for those who are both no, then perhaps you shouldn’t be spending time with a person like that. Enjoying two beers with someone is to enjoy their company and presence. Allowing someone to look after your puppy is to have truth and confidence in someone. Your puppy is perhaps not trained and needs someone caring or attentive.

I thought it was a genius way to evaluate the way you feel about a certain person.‍‍

I look for friends who have similar interests now.

People who have similar interests like you are probably people you’d get along with better, due to having a shared interest. That doesn’t mean you will always share the same opinions and that’s OK. It’s true — I met some great people through the personal finance community on Instagram, one of which I’m building basically a startup with. I have friends who are community builders, and we can talk about our own issues with being too empathetic, spilling our hearts out, and how we can better ourselves. It’s invigorating and I feel incredibly warm inside after I leave a conversation.

Find your people in the places that they would be.

I’ve made friends through communities online — through FB, Instagram, Meetup, etc. The best way to find your people is to think about where they may be. I find that it’s easier to make friendships in a social setting, rather than a setting built for professional networking.

I joined and planned millennial hiking meetups because I felt that 1) many of them would be adventurous and open-minded if they were happy to meet new people and 2) they like the great outdoors just like me. I joined community groups that had missions I agreed with, such as a women’s group. I wanted to help move along and empower women within Singapore’s network.

It’s strange to think that as a kid, we were taught not to talk to strangers online, but meeting friends online is such a norm now, especially with Covid19. Everyone’s gone digital, and it’s okay to reach out and just connect. In fact, it’s more welcomed nowadays. I’ve met people in person and through virtual coffee zoom chats just to chat or connect on a topic we were both passionate about.

Here in Singapore, it’s common to use Bumble BFF, an app to help you connect with new friends. Another is Lunchclub.ai, a way to connect with professionals online.‍

Things you should consider:

How do they make you feel when you succeed or when you fail? Are they your biggest cheerleader? Do they pick you up and dust you off when you fall?
How are your conversations? Is it just one sided? How in depth or how comfortable are you telling them certain things?
After that conversation, how do you feel? Energized or drained?
Do they possess a quality you admire? Do they make you better? How do they make you a better person?
What would your life be without this person? How would you feel if this person suddenly vanished tomorrow?
Would you feel comfortable crying in front of this person? If not, is it because you’re afraid to be vulnerable in front of this person?
Does this person spark joy? Haha just kidding.