Legally ‘Bama
by Tina Gao | Grade 10 | Scholastic 2024 | Humor | Gold Key
Like a cat on the prowl, confident and graceful, Ellie May Woodson strode into Baumhowers’ Victory Grill in a tangerine cocktail dress. Here, where they went on their first (and all subsequent) dates, she would seal her fate with Will Hunter Shunnarah. It was common knowledge amongst the girls–and arguably the guys–at every SEC school that given his impossibly shiny hair and massive pectoral muscles, Will was undoubtedly the hottest guy in Alabama. It also didn’t hurt that he was the sole heir of Alexander Shunnarah’s famous law firm, whose slogan “Call me Alabama!!!” was plastered across billboards on every freeway exit in the state.
Three hours ago at Dillards, Ellie was torn between a scarlet A-line and her current cocktail dress for her last-minute outfit. As usual, her Delta Gamma sisters had plenty to say about her look.
Brittany Jean stroked the satin bodice on the A-line, “You’ve, like, gotta go with the scarlet for sure! It’s the same color as a Shunnarah billboard and makes you look serious. This is a serious occasion Ellie.”
“But remember, Elle Woods got rejected in a red dress,” Millie Davis wagged her finger, showcasing her obnoxiously ginormous 30 carat engagement ring, “But orange makes your skin and your charisma glow, sister. Besides, today’s the Iron Bowl! Show some spirit!!!”
Ellie swept the tangerine dress off of the rack and proclaimed, “Unlike Elle, I have self-esteem, a functioning brain, and DELTA GAMMA TIGER PRIDE!”
Her Delta Gamma sisters let out a whoop as they raced out the store, giggling like hyenas.
On the drive back to their chapter house, Ellie’s cheeks flushed with anticipation. Like her sisters had noticed, she shared a name and those iconic golden curls with Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. But Ellie would never attend law school just to prove her ex wrong–instead, she was destined to live happily ever after with Will. Unlike stuck up Warner, Will was warmer than a freshly baked pecan pie. He would say yes. She was as sure of this as she was of Auburn’s Iron Bowl victory.
But Will hadn’t arrived at Baumhowers’ quite yet. So Ellie claimed their usual table under the Iron Bowl poster. It showcased a stomping elephant and a pouncing tiger, photoshopped to the same size so they could be “equals.” These two majestic beasts were the mascots of Alabama and Auburn University, respectively. They were also locked in a glaring contest, complete with cartoonish steam erupting from their ears. Underneath their heads, two burly football players wrestled, blurring into a whirlwind of crimson and orange.
While Ellie waited, she ordered some sweet tea and glanced around. The customers ranged from doe-eyed high schoolers drinking for the first time to white bearded, sun-beaten farmers with straw stuck to their necks. They were clearly in tiger territory: the mass of orange bellowed and cheered at the TVs as kickoff began.
Fifteen minutes later, no one had scored. Ellie sighed, swirled the sweet tea in her cup, but then sat up straight the moment she noticed a crimson Mercedes Benz rolling into the parking lot. Her beautiful, bold Will swung the car door wide open, adjusted his sexy jacket and striped tie, and smiled at Ellie through the window of the bar. He looked like a movie star. He was a star. Her star.
All of Ellie’s worries flew out of her chest as soon as she locked eyes with the man who was going to proclaim her as his one and only. He looked like his studious self, manly, yet nerdy, with his signature slate-gray suit and gold-rimmed glasses. She had to stifle a gasp and shudder as she noticed the contour of his biceps and pectorals flowing beneath the fabrics. Even after all these years, he was still. Just. So. Effing. Hot. The ground seemed to shake in sync with her heartbeat as his thick, powerful thighs crossed the parking lot.
Ellie got up immediately and rushed to the front, wrapping her arms around Will’s broad shoulders as he entered. “Wiiilllll!” she squealed, “I’m so glad you’re here! Did you have a rough drive from ’Bama?”
Lost in Will’s eyes, Ellie was oblivious to everyone at the bar turning to scrutinize them.
“Did she say ‘Bama?” a raspy Southern accent twanged, “It’s TREASON for a tiger to welcome a ‘Bama bastard right onto our turf!” Thankfully for Ellie, the Auburn quarterback was strip-sacked in that moment, and everyone’s attention turned back to the game.
Will shook his head, “I’m so sorry–”
Ellie stroked his nose playfully. “Oh sweetie, of course I forgive you.”
As she led him to the table, Will scratched his head and adjusted his glasses. “I had an interview with Morgan, Morgan and Morgan for an internship. It went longer than I expected-”
“Bless your heart. I know you’ll get it. You’re definitely better than most lawyers already.” That’s right, she thought. Right on track for you to take over your father’s empire in five years, when I’ll be pregnant with Will Jr.
“Actually,” Will laughed, “they hired me on the spot! Who knows how much better my future will be?”
While his voice remained confident and carefree, Ellie noticed a few drops of sweat beginning to glaze his forehead and slide down his long, aquiline nose. Will was almost never nervous, so he must also be anticipating the proposal! Ellie suppressed a feline smile and mustered her softest, sweetest tone, “Oh honey, it’s going to be so much better! We’ll have yearly trips to Orange Beach, a mansion in Mountain Brook, three kids, two dogs — ”
“Wow, you’ve got it all planned out.” Will coughed into his fist. He glanced at the TV right in time for a broken up pass, then sighed and turned back to Ellie. “Isn’t it surprising how long we’ve been together despite our differences?”
“I know right? You’re studious, I’m silly. You’re at ‘Bama, I’m at Auburn, but not even the Iron Bowl could break us apart.” Ellie glanced at the game, tied at 7–7, and whipped back to Will, her cheeks glowing under the ambient lights. She clasped his arm with both hands.“Oh, we could be on House Divided! We’re basically Romeo and Juliet, but football. We’re going to be on TV together while a Home Depot crew paints our mansion in school colors–”
“I’m not sure I want my house to be half-orange, half-crimson!” Will chuckled. Ellie’s hands slid off as he raised his arm to wipe his brow, “Let’s set aside our home decor plans and address the elephant in the room-”
Right then, the bar erupted into applause and cheers when the TVs announced, “Flawless Auburn interception!”
“Where do you see yourself in the future?” Will shouted over the noise.
“My future is you, silly!” Ellie shouted back. Her honey-scented glossed lips curled into a smile as she fantasized about making fried chicken in their marble-tiled kitchen after Will returned home with a briefcase full of cash. Everyone would race to the dining table upon smelling her aromatic cooking, even newborn Will Jr. The labrador retrievers would loll their tongues and wag their tails…it would be a dream come true.
Will’s eyebrows knitted together. “I meant long-term goals. I want to get my law degree and extend the Shunnarah legacy.”
“And everyone will check you out as they drive past the Shunnarah “Call me Alabama” billboards!” Ellie said, giddy at the idea of seeing Will’s larger-than-life face everywhere around the state. Soon, she hoped, they’d update the billboards with her by his side, the two of them flashing equally bright, sparkling smiles.
“I want firms all over America, not just in Alabama. I have dreams, Ellie. It’s time to get serious. That’s why you and I–” Will paused, glancing at Ellie, then the Iron Bowl poster, then the drink in her hand, and then finally back at Ellie. He dropped his hands into her palms. Finally, he stared straight into Ellie’s amber irises.
This was it! This was when he would reveal a velvet box, slip a 4-carat princess cut ring on her finger, and ask him to be his Mrs. Will Hunter Shunnarah. Ellie blinked and blushed.
The customers screamed when the Auburn defense swarmed the ‘Bama quarterback. A farmer leaped up and knocked into Ellie’s seat, spilling beer foam on her shoulders as he yelled “Take THAT you fat farted elephants!”
“Could you not? We’re having serious business!” Ellie shrieked, flinging the foam back at him.
“Nuthin’s more serious than foot-HOW THE HELL DID THEY SCORE?” he scrambled back toward the TVs.
Will finished, “should break up.”
“I do–” Ellie began to say. “Wait what?” She choked on her sweet tea and coughed like a sputtering Ford F-150 in need of an oil change.
“You ok?” Will asked.
Ellie cleared her throat and snapped, “Hell no! What do you mean ‘break up?’ I thought you were about to propose! Did your ‘Bama education grind your brain to mush?!”
“No.”
“Look, Will. We’re not breaking up. I’ll find a way for us to stay together! I’ll live by your dorm-no, in your dorm! I’ll buy you cute outfits by day and party with you by night!”
“It’s over Ellie. I made this decision myself.” Will said, rising from his seat. He towered over her curly blond head, “If I’m going to be the face of the Shunnarah law firm, I’ll need someone serious. A supporter of my endeavors, but also an ambitious, inspiring, woman I can rely on and look up to.”
His sharp, decisive tone tore into Ellie’s heart like a steel trap. As she sobbed, the ring, the billboards, Will Jr., even House Divided (Ellie didn’t even want to be a reality star!) swirled away in her view.
“I might not be all that… but I am seriously in love with you.” Her hands gripped him so tightly that her talon-sharp nails dug into his skin. Mascara-and-spray-tan-contaminated tears streamed down her cheeks, trailing black and orange stripes across her face. With loose, matted hair framing her wide, panicking eyes, she looked–and whimpered–like a homeless kitten.
“As much as I love you, I have to think long-term. I’ll be going to grad school in the Northeast, with no time to be with you. You’ll never survive the winter blizzards or the hyper-capitalistic corporate culture or the ruthlessly competitive snakes who bury themselves in documents and wear power suits. It’s just not going to work.”
Before she could respond, Will strode away, shaking her off as easily as an elephant crushing a fly.
If Ellie remembered the triumphant ending of Elle’s story, she would’ve wiped her tears, apologized, and asked Will for LSAT advice. But before she was Elle Woods’ doppelganger, Ellie was a Delta Gamma Tiger to the core. The fact that a ‘Bama student rejected her so condescendingly angered her so much that for a full minute she couldn’t remember why she ever loved Will. He was from ‘Bama, and anything ‘Bama was her enemy.
At that pivotal moment, the game ended in a humiliating 7–31 loss! While the ear-splitting chorus of “Dixieland Delight” and Nick Saban’s croaky cheer blared from the TVs, the bar hurled hoots, curses, and more drinks at her table. But now, Ellie didn’t mind. She drank four beers in a row, then spat “Screw ‘Bama! I hope your quarterback breaks his spine and dies on the field in the middle of his victory dance!” She kicked the table as she stood up, unleashed a torrent of curses that would have shamed any god-fearing Southerner, and fled Baumhower’s with her orange skirt rumpled and stuck between her legs.
