The Fallacy of Free Time
by Katherine Wu | Grade 9 | Scholastic 2024 | Personal Essay & Memoir| Silver Key
‘Affirmative Action divided Asian Americans and other people of color’ I furrow my brow as I scroll through the NPR article with one hand. In the other, I hold my toothbrush trying to move my hand in circular motions. Toothpaste drops from my brush into the sink. I sigh, rummage through the medicine cabinet, find the toothpaste tube, and reapply it to my brush. Then I return to the article.
Pulling a sweater over my head, I blindly stumble into the kitchen just as the sun is rising. Flashcards are laid out for me next to my breakfast of fruit and cereal.
“You have an extra dance lesson tonight for your solo, my mom says as she nudges a big glass of water towards me. “Remember you’re competing this weekend.”
I nod. “What time will I be done?” I ask.
“10pm. You’re doing this class after the group rehearsal.”
I take a moment to mentally recalibrate my homework schedule. Then I nod again.
On the drive to school, my mom quizzes me on the pros and cons of having a US military presence in the Arctic. I don’t know which side I’ll be asked during my debate practice after school, in the timeslot before dance.
At school, I race through hallways, flip through textbooks, and rejoice at the few moments my friends and I spend on our phones scrolling through TikTok during lunch — a few unplanned minutes. As I walk to class, I remember the article I read this morning on affirmative action being taken away. What does this mean for my college applications, as a minority applicant?
At home, I lay out my textbooks on my desk in the order of the homework I will complete, accounting for the hour I’ve lost due to my dance solo practice. I dive into bed, pull out my phone and open the timer. There was traffic on the drive home, so I have to adjust my timer from twenty-six minutes to twenty-three. I set it and enjoy, as I sink into brief sleep.
My mother’s voice echoes in the background, “You need to stop going on your phone, use that precious time to read your textbook!” I look around. Did my timer not go off? Was I not just sleeping? “Look at Stephanie, she got a 100 on her quiz and you got a 90…” I turn to see my mother towering over me. “How come Stephanie was able to get a 100 and you were not?” Tears begin welling in my eyes. “Why are you crying, ah ya, stop crying, there is nothing to cry about.” My mom’s voice fades away as my eyes close, tears spilling over.
Trrrrring — I’m ripped from my sleep. I rub my eyes, tears staining my fingers. I tumble downstairs, where my mom has a light dinner of rice, beef, and a few vegetables prepared ahead of our commute to the dance studio. I try to spoon bites into my mouth between her endless questions: “What is another way to say threatened homeostasis?” “Can you define the word ‘exasperation’?” I answer questions diligently and recount what I learned in school today.
After dance practice, I stretch in my room while practicing pronunciation for my Chinese oral exam this weekend. I hope to impress my tutor, and I also hope to satisfy my mom and negotiate not taking Chinese lessons on weekends.
Changing into my pajamas, I burrow into my blanket. In bed, I reopen the article I didn’t get to finish in the morning. Affirmative action was supposed to ensure fair consideration in admissions, but admissions data suggested that Asian Americans were discriminated against in admissions decisions that considered race. Confused and concerned, I wondered what am I even working towards if not getting into a good college?
I overhear my mom on the phone talking to another mom in our community. The conversation seems to be about SAT and ACT preparation. College preparations can never start too early…or can they?
It seems that pregnant moms have already charted out what college their embryo will attend, and how a very selective pre-school will plant their child on the road to success. In their eyes, it is never too early to begin social engineering.
Being compared against my Chinese American friends on all possible quantitative and qualitative metrics — grades, trophies, passions, politeness — is exhausting. It also solidifies the standards young Chinese Americans are held against. Standards of endless studying and having no meaningful social life remove individualism and create robotic model children — almost indistinguishable from one another.
As college applications become increasingly more competitive, young Chinese-Americans are groomed to perfection, producing model test scores, a balanced spread of extracurriculars, and most definitely no free time. No time to be young and curious and experimental. No time to learn what distinguishes them as people.
Although I have a matrix of extracurriculars most days, there are a few special hours each week where I unexpectedly encounter the luxury of free time. Whether it be finishing my homework early, or having a club meeting canceled that would normally end at 9:00 pm, those are the hours I treasure most, for those are the hours where I feel I am my own person.
When I have a moment to myself, I often find myself thinking about how to look at a concept from a new perspective. I recall a time when my parents took me out to dinner as a break from studying. Between bites of rice and conversations about upcoming holiday plans, I found my thoughts going back to the complicated percentage calculations I was doing in math class. Once the bill came, my parents paused as they estimated the tip. I took the bill from them and calculated 21% for the tip. Quietly impressed, they signed and we headed home.
After a moment of free time, I had the mental space to grow new applications for concepts I had learned in school. Free time made me feel like I could think creatively and apply knowledge in a meaningful way.
This is for my parents. If I do this, I’ll earn my parents’ praise. I blindly stumble into the kitchen expecting flash cards with dinner. Nothing. My mom sits next to me smiling. “You have had enough work to do, I think it is better if we tone down your schedule.” Disbelief. “You should hang out with your friends sometime, invite them over.” Utter shock.
This conversation with my mom made me feel like more than a schedule. It not only made me feel recognized as a person, but also gave me the confidence to choose how I spend my time. Putting together my own schedule, I practice prioritizing my activities and figuring out what is important to me — what I value. Perhaps my new matrix of activities — interwoven with free time — will shape me into a unique college applicant. Free time is not wasted time, it is an opportunity to reflect on who you are in the world and how you want to navigate your own path through it.
