From “What the hell is THIS?!” to “Hmmm, What the hell IS this?”
Getting curious is the key to fostering emotional intimacy
There are three types of people in relationships:
1. Those who excel — The Excellent
2. Those who strive — The Striving
3. Those who haven’t got a clue — The Clueless
1. The Excellent
The Excellent has their eye on the prize 24/7. They’ve properly prioritized their relationship. They are their best self when interacting with their partner. And they (almost) never lose their cool, no matter the circumstances.
We should all grow to be Excellent. But for those of us who aren’t there yet, we should at least be Striving…
2. The Striving
The Striving hasn’t yet mastered himself or herself to the point that they always properly prioritize their relationship. Yet, they are regularly conscious about what’s most important. This way, even when things that frazzle them come up, there is still the underlying feeling of security, trust, and everlasting love.
3. The Clueless
The Clueless allows pretty much anything to get in the way of his or her relationship. When external situations arise, the relationship quickly gets tossed under the bus. And when he or she gets upset, it effects the relationship to its core.
So… which one of these describes you?
All of us should at least be in the game — and that means we ought to at least be Striving.
A Striving person is aspiring to be conscious, introspective, and seeking to improve.
In a relationship that entails knowing how to calm yourself down when your partner “pushes your buttons”. By turning down your knee-jerk inclination to criticize — and opting, instead, for curiosity — you create the space for empathy, compassion, and closeness, which gives the opportunity for your relationship to flourish.
A few years ago, my wife and I were at a two day conference with well-known marital researcher Dr. Jon Gottman. He described the necessity to shift from criticism to curiosity as a need to develop tools for ‘personal decompression’. Or, as he put it, to go from “What the hell is THIS?!” to “Hmmm, what the hell IS this?”
I believe there are four emotion-stabilizers we can use to comfortably make that inner transition from outrage and anger to acceptance and containment. By implementing these four elements in your life and relationship, you will have the energy and headspace to pause when you feel a critical reaction rising within you, allowing yourself to make space for curiosity and understanding.
1. Self Care
When you are in the habit of doing things that energize you and keep you emotionally healthy, you will be in tip-top emotional shape to circumvent getting flustered when people do things you may not like.
2. Playfulness
If you can pause in the moment that you initially get bothered, and choose to respond with playfulness instead of nastiness, you can turn a potential confrontation into a moment of connection.
3. The Long-Run Outlook
By making a habit of seeing the big picture, you will eliminate the vast majority of fights. Ask yourself: In the long-run, does it really matter that he or she did ________? If the answer is no, then is it really worth the argument and its negative effects?
4. Medical Research
The more fights you get into, the shorter you live. In fact, they say that couples in bad marriages live 15 years less than couples in good marriages. Is this argument worth sacrificing your life over?
Shifting your mindset and routine to include these four elements should help you to bypass much unnecessary strife and stabilize your emotions. When you exchange the critical challenge of “What the hell is THIS?!” to the curious inquiry of “Hmmm, what the hell IS this?”, you unlock a softer yet more secure part of yourself. The vulnerability and care that you express will breed understanding, respect, and empathy, leading to a deepening of your relationship with your significant other.
