Do you Want a Healthy Relationship?
If you and your partner don’t have these 4 elements, you might as well give up now
If you are looking to build a healthy relationship, it is worthwhile to verify that these four elements are in place because, without them, a healthy connection has no shot of getting off the ground.
1. Trust: Do you and your partner believe in one another?
2. Refined Character: Do you and your partner have a strong and emotionally-intelligent inner world?
3. Sense of Self: Do you and your partner allow for a space where you end and the other begins?
4. Self-Mastery: Do you and you partner know how to be assertive without being aggressive?
1. Trust — Without it you’ve got nothing
To build trust in your relationship, you must first and foremost be reliable. This means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. You must hold sacred your partner’s secrets at all times. And the same goes for disagreements. Stay unified in public and hash out issues where you don’t see eye-to-eye in private.
To build trust in a relationship, maturely seek the inner intent of the other person. Welcome the notion that your partner wants the relationship to be successful and consider what good intentions were possibly at the root of whatever they do. Communicate in a way that expresses your feelings without judgement, and be open to hearing your partner’s perspective.
2. Refined Character — Know the Real Person Within
When dating, you may get excited when you find a guy who is especially charming and giving, or a gal who is sweet and soft and agreeable with a twinkle in her eye.
But is that a show or is it the real thing?
Unfortunately, there is often a big difference between the personality that a person puts on display to the outside world and the character he or she is carrying around on the inside.
I once heard of a teacher at Yeshiva University who would tell the female students that if they want to see who the guy they are dating really is, they should find out when they plan to play basketball in the gym and (without letting him know) grab a comfy seat in the bleachers to see the character that comes out when competition, disappointment, and the opportunity to bully others presents itself.
No one is perfect, but if you want a happy life, before proposing or accepting a ring, you’ve got to know if what you’re seeing is a show or the real thing.
3. Sense of Self — Only Healthy Individuals can Attain Healthy Couplehood
A healthy relationship is built by two independent people freely choosing towards one another. This means knowing who you are as you simultaneously allow space for the other to be who they are. Any attempt to manipulate or control the other person undermines your connection and couplehood.
In fact, every interaction you have with your significant other offers you the opportunity to either allow them a purely free choice or try to twist them into making a decision you want them to make.
If the two of you choose toward one another in a free way, you build connection. If one of you “gets” the other to choose something they don’t fully embrace, then the choice wasn’t really a choice. And, in place of building connection in your relationship, an inner erosion has begun to corrode it.
If you have a healthy sense of self, you will allow your partner the autonomy to choose you. That can only happen if you allow them the autonomy to not choose you. They might not always make the choice you desire. But, if you play the control game, you’ve already lost the relationship.
4. Self-Mastery — Be Assertive without being Aggressive
Self-Mastery is made up of two core ingredients — confidence and humility.
Now, if you just thought to yourself, “That seems like a contradiction” — then you might not yet be a Master of your Self.
A successful combination of confidence and humility means you know who you are and you know where you stand. You can express yourself with confidence and assertiveness, yet remain humble, giving space to others and to their ideas.
If you lack confidence, you will not express yourself properly in your relationship. And if you lack humility, you will not allow your partner to express themselves properly in the relationship.
How you relate to another is always wrapped up in your ability to take personal ownership and accountability. Because of this, there are those who don’t even bother suggesting couple’s therapy when a couples is going through a difficult time. Instead they recommend individual counselling or coaching. This way, each person rectifies their own personal issues and their own unhealthy methods of response. The theory is: First heal what’s going on with the two of you as individuals — and then any couplehood issues that arise should be much more easily resolved.
If all four of these elements are functioning well, then the two of you have a solid foundation of emotional health from which to grow your couplehood. You have a real opportunity at building a lasting meaningful relationship of respect, connection, and love.
Much success!
