The 4 Steps to Radical Relationship Shift
How you can Recreate your Relationship by Making One Simple Change
A little while ago, I was in Frankfurt, Germany, speaking on various topics around relationship improvement for a large group of young professionals.
The singles and couples from across Europe and the FSU who attended were particularly open and eager to learn a new way in life and love — and that made a great environment for some heart-opening discussions and a variety of “Aha” moments.
▪How do I give respect in a way that it will be received as I intend it?
▪If my spouse wants to go somewhere and I don’t, who should win out?
▪ If we are about to catch a train and my significant other realizes that she is missing her wallet and wants to go back for it even though there is nothing in it we need, how should we resolve this dilemma?
▪How can I express love to my husband in a way that it will awaken him to express the love to me that I need and desire?
By joining for the seminar weekend, the attendees did something that most people don’t do — they took a step. They got vulnerable and opened themselves up to relationship training; to a novel way of thinking about couplehood in an effort to improve their lives, themselves and their relationship skills.
Mature Adults have a Filter
Most people don’t do this. Most people just go with the flow, simply doing whatever comes naturally. And here’s the crazy thing: They think that’s a good thing. They believe that by doing whatever comes naturally and instinctually, they are showing their true self to their partner and that they ought to be commended.
But I’d like to put forth the idea that the real you is actually the conscious you. The real you is the version of you that applies a filter to your unconscious reactions and your character flaws. The real you is the you that acts to the higher side of yourself, with refined traits and insight into how your (potential) partner thinks, feels and reacts.
To learn and live with healthy couple dynamics requires approaching interactions with our eyes wide open. Typically it requires us to seek guidance, and training to acquire the skills that facilitate and foster respect and love.
When you feel you need to see change in your relationship; when you decide enough is enough, it is upon you to upgrade what you are bringing to the table.
If you want to see a real shift in your relationship, there are four steps to making it happen…
The Four Steps to a Radical Relationship Shift
Step #1 — CHANGE
First thing is you actually make a change. You stop thinking about it, you’ve done enough talking about it. You actually do it.
Step #2 — RESISTANCE
We tend to think, “Now that I’ve finally made a real move, my partner will celebrate me. And they’ll also show how awesome they are by making the changes I want them to make.”
But it turns out they don’t really buy your change. They don’t think it’s real. They think this is just another New Year’s resolution that won’t last and that you are going to flake out.
So they act resistant to your change. Sometimes they even mock you and look to find you falling short of your newfound commitment and way of doing things.
Step #3 — PERSEVERANCE
This is the toughest stage. When your partner (and those around you) aren’t buying your change, it’s now time to reach deep within yourself and really live your change. Now it’s not about creating a shift in your relationship. It’s about creating a shift in you. It’s about freeing yourself from the person you used to to be in order to become the person you ought to be. (This is where all your baggage comes up and it’s where the importance of having a mentor or coach pays off!)
Step #4 — DECISION
When you live your change day-in and day-out, there has to be a shift in the relationship that takes place. Who you are has changed, therefore the relationship has changed. That means it is now decision time for your partner. It is inevitable that your partner now asks himself/herself, “Do I change how I act towards this person?” Even if your partner decides not to change anything, that, in itself, is a decision.
In my experience, your partner will almost always make changes that include, not only treating you radically better, but also his or her entire demeanor. From your intimate life to your tax bracket, radical shifts are on the horizon.
But it takes time.
This process doesn’t happen in a few days or even a few weeks. But if you’ve made real change and you are persevering with it, it’s got to happen.
