The Manipulation Toolbox
How to Master Your Inner World so that Others Don’t
This past Sunday, I told my wife that I’d stay with the kids so that she could work on a project in a room in the back of our home.
As he sometimes does, our four-year-old began crying and screaming for her as soon as she closed the door. I locked the door that leads to the back, and kept him with me so my wife can work without being disturbed.
The boy continued to cry and yell, and I calmly sat down at the table with a book I was reading. A minute or two went by when my 15-year-old daughter walked in, scanned the scene, and promptly told me off as she is apt to do, “OMG, why are you just sitting there while he’s crying!?” (include tone-of-voice for 15-year-old girl attitude)
I responded with, “Trust your Dad.”
Another two minutes of yelling went by, then I told the boy, “I give you permission to yell and scream as much and as loud as you want. It’s completely OK.”
He continued hollering for two more minutes. After which, he came over calmly, and gently asked if he could go to the back to his room to play. I put him on my lap, wiped his face, and asked him if he’d be quiet and calm when he’s back there. He said yes, and I proceeded to unlock the door, walked him to his room, and let him be.
(Unfortunately, by this point, the fifteen-year-old had already left the scene, so she missed out on witnessing her father’s awesomeness.)
Why am I telling you this story?
Because we all act like a version of my four-year-old at times.
My son was attempting to manipulate me. His tool for the manipulation was a tantrum.
In our lives, we (and the people we know) have a Manipulation Toolbox. We reach for it when we feel the need or desire to twist people into doing what we want them to.
It can be a tantrum, anger, guilt, pouting, moping around, purposely misinterpreting people to make them sound more extreme than they actually are. And the list goes on.
It is of utmost importance for our relationships that we recognize when we are engaging in these subtle — and not so subtle — forms of manipulation. Because manipulation and intimate connection are opposites.
Manipulation and intimate connection are opposites.
Even if you do manage to manipulate what you want out of the other person in the moment, you’re paying a big price for it — the emotional intimacy of your relationship. That should be enough to get you to pause ans reassess the way you interact.
Similarly, if someone calls upon one of their manipulation tactics when interacting with you, you can calmly get in touch with your inner voice and simply choose not to react to them. As you demonstrate an inner sense of security and remain unphased by their attempted arm-twisting, you can be sure they will get frustrated and double-down by increasing the manipulation dosage. Continue to remain unimpressed and unmoved. And be ready for them to move on to another manipulation tool.
After exhausting a few of their tools, they will gradually begin to accept that you aren’t going to be moved, changed, or manipulated, no matter what tool they pull out of their toolbox. They will then begin to accept you and your choices, and graduate to dealing with you in a more elevated, respectful, mature and refined manner.
