Why Does He Ignore Me When I Ask For Help?
Assuming he’s not a bumb…
I. Disclaimer: The easy knee-jerk reactionary answer to “Why doesn’t he help?” is simple: He’s a deadbeat; a lazy, selfish jerk.
If you are, in fact, correct about that assertion, then you can ignore the rest of this article.
However, if that’s not the type of person your guy is in the rest of his life or in other aspects of your relationship, then there may be something else going on here and you ought to read on…
II. Ask yourself: When I ask for help, am I asking for something that I, or our kids, are easily able to do?
Depending on what else is going on in your lives and what his other obligations are in life or in the relationship, your guy might be perfectly happy doing the heavy lifting for any task that needs it. But, when regularly asked to interrupt what he’s doing in order to take up something you can easily deal with, he is apt to feel taken advantage of, disrespected, and that his time isn’t being valued.
Questions to consider:
- Do you make your request to him while he’s concentrating on something else? According to studies, it takes over 20 minutes to get your mind refocused after being interrupted. If this is a constant occurrence, it can be frustrating and feel disrespectful.
- Do you use the word “just”? As in, “Do you mind just taking out the garbage?” The word ‘just’ diminishes the task you’re asking your partner to accomplish. He’s damned if he does it and he’s damned if he doesn’t: If he doesn’t do it, he’s met with, “Why didn’t you do it? It was just a small task!” And if he does do it, he receives a hearty, “It’s no big deal that you did it. After all, it was just a small task.”
III. Ask yourself: Did ignoring him in the past lead me to asking him for help in the present?
Depending on your relationship’s history, he may feel like his advice or opinion is routinely ignored — and that that’s what led to the current quandary or dilemma you’re now asking him to dig you out of. It may seem to him like he is being made to pay the price for a situation he had foreseen and warned you about due to your ignoring his concerns.
Ask yourself: Did passing on his will, desire, opinion, or advice land you in your present predicament? Even if your answer is no, consider that he may see it differently. And if he does get the message that there is a pattern of his perspective being summarily dismissed, chances are that he is feeling undermined, emasculated, and less than inspired to cheefully lend a helping hand.
On that topic of emasculation, here is another question to ponder: Does he feel as if he has a role in determining what choices are made by the two of you as a couple? Or, does he feel like his words and opinions fall on deaf ears?
If he feels that his life direction isn’t held in respectable regard, his interest in the two-way nature of the relationship is going to wane. He’s going to feel like you’re all-in on the relationship only when it suits your individual needs and desires. You can see why that can feel frustrating and lead to disinterest.
IV. So is that it then? Am I forever doomed to no help in these matters? Am I wrong for still wanting him to lend a hand?
Please keep in mind: Everything written here thus far is a direct answer to the original question about why your requests for help might get ignored by your husband.
We’ve approached this question under the assumption that you actually want insight into what might be going on in your guy’s mind, heart, and inner world.
Take a moment to consider if any of what you’ve just read might be relevant to your relationship with your husband. Does any of it sound familiar?
That being said, the truth is that even if you’ve been asking for help with things you’re capable of doing on your own, and even if there are requests you make of your guy that stem from the outcome of a decision you made that he disagreed with, he still ought to be engaged and help out rather than completely shutting down to your requests. Why? Because that is part of being married. The kids and household are affected by both your and his imperfections. That means you pay a price and shoulder part of the burden for his mistakes, shortcomings, and choices. And he does the same for you. That’s life in a marriage.
Therefore, even if you ask for a hand with something you’re perfectly capable of doing on your own, and even if you’ve made a decision that predictably resulted in a sticky situation you need his help with, part of married life is to contain that and live with it, accepting that it’s all part of being in a normal committed partnership.
Let’s be clear: The purpose of this article has been to explore what a generally good guy might be experiencing in his relationship that can lead him to become disinterested and unhelpful. If anything in this article sounded familiar, it’s worthwhile for you to delve into it further. A subtle but firm shift in behavior may be all that is needed to foster a feeling of connection that opens the door to his compassion and the help that you desire.
