The dark side of Gratitude
Christmas and the New Year is often time where we find space to pause and reflect on our journey… Revisit our hopes and dreams, remember mistakes, make new plans, reconnect with others and ourselves.
This time of the year is also time to be grateful. It is time to appreciate all the little things in life.
But did you know that gratitude also has a dark side to it?
You see, gratitude works for people who are connected to themselves and their environment. Gratitude helps us to feel more alive, to deepen those connections to ourselves and others.
However, for someone who is lonely, depressed, or suffering from any other mental health condition defined by hopelessness and despair, this can be a very different story.
Those people KNOW of all the good stuff they have in their lives, but they don’t FEEL it…
Most importantly, when they open up about how they feel, the most common response they get is:
WHY CAN’T YOU BE GRATEFUL FOR THE THINGS YOU HAVE? LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE!
Sounds familiar?
So now, in addition to feeling bad, they also feel guilty for feeling bad — l shouldn’t be feeling this way… I should be happy… I should be grateful…
In therapy, we often reflect on the secondary emotion — how you feel about the way you feel. This helps to open up a greater level of self-awareness and provides an insight into subconscious processes, values and beliefs.
We all have this secondary layer of emotions, but we rarely pause to reflect on it.
For example, you might feel happy, but then feel like you shouldn’t be, because so many others are suffering.
You might feel angry, and then feel guilty for being angry…
You might feel calm, and then be proud of it.
You might feel depressed, and hate yourself for it…
Tuning into this secondary emotion is a very important part of healing and self-discovery, and learning to accept ourselves for who we truly are.
Unless we learn to accept ourselves and every experience simply for what it is, we cannot feel grateful. By telling others what they should do, or what they should feel widens this gap between their experiences, and how they feel about them. It deprives them of their own individual feelings, which further enforces disconnection from ourselves and others, deepening feeling of hopelessness and despair.
So, what shall we do instead?
INSTEAD OF TELLING ANOTHER PERSON TO BE GRATEFUL, EXPRESS YOUR OWN GRATITUDE TO THEM.
Gratitude cannot be enforced. But it can be rekindled in another person.
At this challenging time, be a hope giver.
Listen, before you give any advice.
Accept each person’s unique experience.
Be there for them.
Don’t try to fix anyone else.
People are not broken — our world is.
With so many people losing their lives to covid, to suicide, to depression, be grateful for having your loved ones in your life. But remember that keeping it to yourself and simply FEELING grateful is not enough — if you want to make a difference, make sure you express it to others!
Especially at the times when they can’t be with you.
When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to your loved ones?
Who needs to hear it the most?
Maybe one day, we can learn to be happy for being happy, and be grateful, for simply feeling grateful…
With best wishes,
P.S. If you are looking for a safe space to explore your own feelings, or if you are worried about your loved one, you can book a confidential chat with me.
