PERSONAL ESSAY
A 2023 Memoir Of My Life
Unfurling the pages of this soon-to-be-closed book
Three more weeks to go and this year would come to an end whether we want it to or not. Do I want it to end? I’m not sure. This year had swept me off my feet, high onto the clouds, onto the ‘cloud nine’ itself. But I can’t love it too much can I when it at times dumped me on the ground too? And I had to not-so-graciously pull myself back.
It was a game, and I was the only player. I would win nevertheless but it didn’t mean those annoying falls weren’t there. Every turn I took was a new challenge. A new setting I had to figure out. New situations I had to carve through.
All the while, keeping me on the verge of suspense.
January 2023:
My 12th board exams were getting closer. In India, the boards are everything. You spend 15 years of your life working towards it and in the end, it will decide your next chapter. In a dramatic (but honest) sense, it decides your fate. I was finally going to face it.
How do you think it made me feel?
I was working on my final preparation. I was getting a whole load of cheery ‘All the Bests’. Many what-ifs hung on the edge of my mind. What if my marks weren’t enough? What if the papers are super tough? What if I couldn’t get into a good college?
And what did I do? Just sat back with an elephant-sized physics book on my lap and guided those thoughts to the bin. Where they rightfully belonged.
February 2023:
The big day had come. I was in the exam hall. There were nervous titters all around. I was in the first bench and probably the smallest one out there. My mind was on roll, “Really, I know I have a thin frame but can’t you see it’s long? How am I supposed to fit my long hands and legs into this tiny thing of a table? And where is my exam sheet going to go? On my lap?”
I half considered sitting on the floor but all thoughts flew away as I focused on my watch. Five more minutes to go. Just five. A slight shiver coursed through me and nervousness mixed with sparks of thrill.
Time was ticking. One more minute to go and it was time for me to go into exam mode. I soon calmed my mind, brought its focus back to the subject at hand and as an added measure, raised my chin, straightened my back and let a confident smile slip into place.
I was ready.
March 2023:
You should have seen how widely I smiled after the last exam. It was excitement in its purest form. I had finished my 15 years of schooling and that felt great. The last ride back from the exam hall to my home pulled me back into all the memories of the past. Memories that linked me to my school.
As I looked at the walls of my school for what probably would be the last time, they seemed to whisper “Fifteen big years have come to an end but memories of you will continue to line the halls of this building”.
I had no clue what would happen next, but those thoughts were for later and it was celebration time.
May 2023:
After what seemed like a year, the results finally came out. I had scored 96.4 percent. Wow. With a top score in computer science. Double wow.
I was all smiles. I had crossed the last stage of the boards.
But it wasn’t all completely glittery. There was a slight problem. I had scored well, ya, but there were so many who had done the same. The competition was huge. Larger than what you could even begin to comprehend.
The next step was a confusion. Uncertainty came at me like a hurricane and my life stayed on a stand hold waiting for what would happen next, in the meantime preparing and appearing for my college entrances. All through it, I was left thinking, ‘Will the exams ever stop coming?’.
June 2023:
The uncertainty just seemed to double up every day as we worked on choosing my college. Trust me, choosing something isn’t exactly easy when you as well as those in your closer circle want to choose the best. Add to it the pressure of realizing that some of your friends have finalized their college. It was crazy.
Every day we had the same thing going around in a loop. We listed the pros and cons of each college, tried eliminating one because choosing one was over the top difficult. When we did manage to eliminate a college, we ended up bringing it back into picture the next day with an annoyed sigh.
It was recursion in replay.
But it was holiday time. And I was determined to enjoy this free period before the next exam had a chance to start. Who knows how free I could be once responsibilities started peeking in? Being a college student is a big deal right? The years after it are bigger deals right?
So I spent the rest of my holidays on my hobbies and hugging my mom every chance I got (because, why not?). And as days passed by, we found ourselves moving closer to a decision.
July 2023:
Amidst all the fun and confusion, came a brighter flame. I got my first internship, entirely through my own efforts. How amazing is that?
Part-time internships alongside schooling might be common in many places but it’s not the same here. You are in school for 15 years, in college for 3 to 4 years (during which you take up internships), and then you work or pursue your master’s degree. That’s the life of a typical Indian.
So this really was a huge deal to me. My parents were going to send their little girl to office. Their natural instinct was to overthink about my safety but they were also super excited to see the opportunity present itself to me. As these two thoughts warred with each other, they finally did let me go there. And it turned out to be one of the best periods of my entire life.
The day it ended, the CEO of the company said to all of his employees, “10 years down the line, she will have reached greater heights!”, and that right there marked the beginning of a different phase in my life.
August 2023:
It seemed like it was only a day ago that we were mulling over which college to choose, but there I was, standing in front of my college and taking my first step into it. First step into a new territory that was soon to become my second home.
As I sat through the orientation, I took in everything with wide eyes. My usually silent demeanor fell away as excitement coursed in and I was having chit-chats with every lucky person who sat beside me. It was amazing.
The days flew away in a rush. I was making new friends. I was navigating an independent path. I was pursuing the course I was head over heels in love with.
The uncertainty I had felt 4 months back was still there, but one step at a time, the steps were becoming clearer and more certain.
September 2023:
I turned 18. I became an adult. And spent around a week trying to convince myself that I really am an adult.
My first birthday as a college student and one that marked me as a grown-up. How great is that? I had two exams that day but that did absolutely nothing to bring down my smiles. I have always had only my family and my closest friends knowing my birthday and I was fine with it.
To have all my 63 classmates wish me was a whole different thing. I was messaging my parents from college every time a person wished me. My happiness knew no bounds. My heart was doing summersaults all through the day.
And I was more than pumped up to continue with my life, now as an adult.
December 2023:
I’m now a first-year college student pursuing B.Tech, AI and Data Science in a college that makes me love it more each day. As I look back, the dots have connected perfectly to bring me where I wanted to be.
Though this year was a mixture of emotions, it has been special in so many ways. I finished high school, I got my first internship, I entered college, and I became an adult. The year started with me preparing for my boards and it’s going to end with my first end-semester exams, and I’m again left with “Will the exams ever stop coming?”
As 2023 slowly drives to an end, I’m excited to see what 2024 will bring in.
