POETRY
Blood-clots and Bunkers
Images that linger after 15 years of marriage
you just asked if we could make love and then get ice cream
what a lovely idea
you’re right
it’s july
kids are at a friend’s house
we should make love and go get ice cream…
remember when i came home from the hospital
the day after i had our daughter?
i pushed out that massive blood clot
we put it in a bucket and looked at it
it was the size of a grapefruit and we thought
is this normal?
do i need to go to the hospital?
you saw that thing come out of me
you saw mistakes anxieties wishes fears come out of me
all pretty much the size of a grapefruit
(pause)
so i want to tell you i don’t need you anymore
not in the way i needed you when we first met
when we first met i was broken all tied up in knots and slowly
i have managed to untie myself
i’ve seen therapists
i’ve seen healers
i’ve meditated
i’ve listened to my body
i’ve written down my thoughts
notebooks upon notebooks just wrote it all down got it all out
and now
this clarity
this freedom
this space that i am in
it is different then when we met
my perspective of you has changed
when we met, i saw you as someone who could do no wrong
you’re right
i’m wrong
i saw the safe teddy bear with the red sweater that i could hide inside the world can talk to you —
not to me
all i have to do is hide safe inside your skin
your skin so different
foreign
clean
you are like a strong sturdy bunker that does not need to be occupied any longer because the war is over
we go inside and see the bunker is too dark, too damp, and too dated to be of use
what do i do with my strong sturdy bunker now?
a loving and giving father, a loving and giving partner
but the loving and the giving…
(help!)
turns me off
i roll my eyes
why is that?
what is that?
i feel this lackluster attraction to you
you
who protected me for 15 years and saw my damn blood clot
is this normal?
do i need to go to the hospital?
our marriage is not over please no not yet
i am just deeply bothered by the fact that
it’s july
kids are at a friend’s house
and i do not want to make love and go get ice cream
