HUMOR
Tips and Trends in Adventure Travel
The humorous descent of adventure travel from unique to absurd
1. THE PERFECT TRIP
Clients: The “perfect trip” is all in how you view it.
Guides: The “perfect trip” is all in how you present it.
Trends: 1980s: Adventure is full of surprises.
1990s: You can have adventure and comfort too.
2000s: If your adventure has any surprises, we’ll refund your money.
2. PACKING
Clients: Pack light. Your bags will fill proportionately to the number of days on the trip.
Guides: When the clients notice that you, the guide, have twice the bags they were allowed, tell them it’s medical and emergency supplies.
Trends: 1980s: Bring the minimum and rough it.
1990s: We’ll supply everything necessary.
2000s: We’ll supply everything necessary and we’ll give you extra bags to bring everything unnecessary.
3. CAMP COOKING
Clients: If you requested “vegetarian meals,” don’t even think of eating the bacon.
Guides: Presentation is everything. (If the cake doesn’t set up, tell them it’s mousse.)
Trends: 1980s: Spam and Cheese Whiz
1990s: Steak
2000s: Salmon with hollandaise sauce
4. SEX WITH GUIDES
Clients: Yes, you still have to tip.
Guides: Wipe that smile off your face.
Trends: Co. Policy: 1980s: ‘What’s the batting order?’
1990s: Insure the complete satisfaction of the guest!
2000s: Just sign this liability release and an NDA.
5. STORY TELLING
Clients: To tell a guide story apart from a fairy tale, remember one starts, “Once upon a time” and the other starts, “No shit, there I was.”
Guides: When asked a question, never hesitate, launch immediately into the most detailed of authoritative lies you can think of. Occasionally tell the truth so they never know which is which. End your facts with jokes and start your jokes with facts.
Trends: Scatological humor seems to always be in vogue in the wilderness.
6. ALCOHOL
Clients: Figure out how much you need and bring twice that amount.
Guides: You know you’ve had enough when you start singing campfire songs.
Trends: 1980s: Free beer for all.
1990s: Two cans of beer per Client.
2000s: We supply one case of Kombucha per trip.
7. DRUGS
Clients: Bring enough to share.
Guides: Be high when you first meet the clients so they think that’s just the way you are.
Trends: 1980s: Don’t bogart the joint around the fire.
1990s: Don’t sneeze in the client’s stash.
2000s: If you have ever even considered drugs, you will be pilloried, and flogged.
8. HIKING
Clients: If the guide wears sandals, wear tennis shoes. If the guide wears tennis shoes, wear hiking boots. If the guide wears hiking boots, don’t go.
Guides: If you want to look heroic stay way out in front, if you want to be heroic help the stragglers at the back of the line.
Trends: 1980s: Machete
1990s: Hiking poles
2000s: iPhone
9. WILDLIFE
Clients: If there really is ‘Wildlife’, then you are probably part of the food chain.
Guides: Yes, it is a wild life.
Trends: 1980s: Look out for that Lion!
1990s: Look out for that Land Rover!
2000s: Look out for that Land Mine!
10. OVERSEAS TRAVEL
Clients: When you travel overseas, go early so your luggage and jet lag can catch up with you.
Guides: Keep counting the luggage until you get the number you want. Then stop and hope that one was right.
Trends: 1980s: All hands help.
1990s: We’ll give you a hand.
2000s: We’ll hold your hand.
