Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Abridged

By J.K. Rowling and Bootleg Girl

SCENE: THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

HARRY POTTER is there with his son JAMES and his other, MUCH SHITTIER son, ALBUS SEVERUS. Also, RON WEASLEY and his wife, HERMIONE, who is black and has always been black, are their with their child, ROSE, who is a shithead.

ALBUS: Dad, I’m afraid I’ll be in Slytherin.

HARRY: Son, we already had this scene at the end of the last book. It’s totally okay if you’re in Slytherin. After all, I named you for the two bravest men I ever knew, and one of them was a Slytherin and the other one was a horrific serial child abuser and a wizard Nazi.

ALBUS is NOT REASSURED. DRACO MALFOY enters with his NEARLY DEAD WIFE and his son SCORPIO. Harry nods at him like “we’re totally cool, bro.”

INT. TRAIN -DAY

ROSE: so, ALBUS, our parents were best friends. Personally I think you’re a tiresome nerd but we have to be friends. And we definitely won’t be friends with SCORPIUS MALFOY, whose mom totally did Voldemort.

ENTER SCORPIUS MALFOY trying to be all cool and shit.

SCORPIUS: oh hi Albus. Sorry we can’t be friends because you think Voldemort is my dad.

ALBUS: actually lets be friends

ROSE: I’m a shithead and you’re both uncool

INT. GREAT HALL

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL, who is probably like TWO HUNDRED YEARS OLD, is headmaster and is putting the SORTING HAT on kids’ heads.

SORTING HAT <on Rose Weasley’s head>: well you’re an egocentric shithead. GRYFFINDOR.

Scorpio Malfoy puts the hat on his head.

HAT: SLYTHERIN

SCORPIUS: Phew

ALBUS puts the hat on his head.

HAT: ooh, somebody’s got a crush… SLYTHERIN!

<SOME TIME LATER>

INT. POTTER HOUSEHOLD

HARRY: I bet you children are wondering why I, Head Magic Cop, have called you here today. It is to show that I love all my children equally and am not replicating the traumatic abuse I suffered as a child by giving you all equally heartfelt gifts.

JAMES <opening gift>: ALL MY GRANDPA’S COOL ILLEGAL CRIME SHIT YAY!

ALBUS <opening gift>: a moldy blanket. Thanks Dad. I’m going over to the Malfoy’s for Christmas.

HARRY: What? What did I do?

GINNY (with great emotional sensitivity): I don’t think Albus feels appreciated.

HARRY: what, why? I gave him a moldy blanket with no explanation.

GINNY: maybe we should get divorced

CEDRIC DIGGORY’S DAD <outside>: hey potter come out here you asshole

HARRY: oh hello Amos what can I do for you?

CDD: USE TIME TRAVEL TO BRING BACK MY SON YOU ASSHOLE

HARRY: no. I am done having adventures and so is everyone else so your son has to stay dead.

CDD: fuckwad

INT. MOANING MYRTLE’S BATHROOM — LATER

ALBUS and SCORPIUS are HAVING ADVENTURES.

MYRTLE: I’m a TERF. But you guys are cute so you can be in here.

SCORPIUS: hey myrtle, everyone thinks Voldemort is my dad because my family has a time turner, can you help us steal it and also give us the plot of book 4 so we can be heroes and save Cedric Diggory?

MYRTLE: sure!

INT. HOGWARTS — THE PAST

ALBUS and SCORPIUS appear at the TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT. We readers note that the plot of this installment MADE NO SENSE when the book originally came out, and start to get a sense that some major retcons are incoming.

JK ROWLING: this is definitely not my way of rewriting a novel series I finished years ago.

ALBUS and SCORPIUS try to save Cedric by making Harry Potter win the tournament outright. Cedric gets EMBARASSED.

INT. VOLDEMORT’S CAVE

CEDRIC DIGGORY enters, EMBARASSED.

CEDRIC: Voldemort, make me a death eater so I can avenge myself upon that pesky Harry Potter

VOLDEMORT: OK, let me just get done having sex with Bellatrix Lestrange here.

BELLATRIX: I am definitely not pregnant with the real villain of this whole story.

INT. BATTLE OF HOGWARTS

Stuff is MOSTLY LIKE IT WAS IN BOOK 7 except CEDRIC DIGGORY IS EVIL.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, who has NOT YET KILLED VOLDEMORT’S SNAKE WHICH IF YOU RECALL IS A HORCRUX: I shall defeat you, Cedric DIGGORY!

DARTH CEDRIC: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Neville DIES.

VOLDEMORT: AVADA KEDAVRA.

Harry also does. He does not return to life this time.

INT. HOGWARTS — THE DARKEST TIMELINE

ALBUS POTTER: I’m going to stop existing because of the changes we made

SCORPIUS MALFOY: guess I’m the hero now. I should look around to see if anything else is different.

Enter RON’S KIDS, who are now with PADMA PATIL, a fuckton of DEMENTORS, and DOLORES UMBRIDGE.

UMBRIDGE: hello Scorpius, one of my favorite students who is definitely evil.

SCORPIUS: hey I’m looking for Harry Potter’s kids

UMBRIDGE: haha lol Harry Potter

SCORPIUS: no rly

UMBRIDGE: you’re upsetting the Dementors and ruining Voldemort Day!

SCORPIUS: she actually said that

ROWLING: no really I wrote that line

UMBRIDGE: go see PROFESSOR SNAPE in DETENTION!

INT. SNAPE’S DUNGEON

SNAPE is there. He is alive and looks very MUSCULAR and SEXY.

SCORPIUS: holy shit SNAPE you’re alive! You have to help me defeat Voldemort and resurrect Harry Potter’s kid who is my boyfriend and also named after you

SNAPE: that is treason — wait wtf you mean I’m alive? You mean I die in the proper timeline?

SCORPIUS: yeah sorry bro

SNAPE: do I at least die in a cool way?

SCORPIUS: not really, you get bit by a snake

SNAPE: figures

Enter MCGONAGALL.

MCGONAGALL; Snape, get rid of the Malfoykid so we can discuss SECRET DUMBLEDORE STUFF

SCORPIUS: I’m the good version of Scorpius from the universe where Snape is dead and Harry is still a douche. I sort of fucked up time. Sorry.

MCGONAGALL: you complete fool. Here come the Dementors to end us all.

SNAPE: actually I just found out I get a shitty death scene in the good timeline. This is a good opportunity for a better one in this one. Run, I’ll hold them off! Look at my muscles while they eat my soul!

MCGONAGALL and SCORPIUS run. SNAPE gets his soul eaten.

JK ROWLING: seriously look at how HAWT and HEROIC he is.

MCGONAGALL gives SCORPIO a time turner and makes him rekill Cedric.

INT. SLIGHTLY LESS DARK TIMELINE WHERE RON IS STILL MARRIED TO PADMA PATIL

ALBUS is alive again. He is REALLY SAD ABOUT HIS BLANKET BEING SHITTY.

HARRY: son, why are you such a shitty son

ALBUS: *cries*

INT. MCGONAGALL’S OFFICE

HARRY is waiting for MCGONAGALL. A PIC OF DUMBLEDORE IS ON THE WALL.

HARRY: hey pic of Dumbledore, you know pretty much everything you did when I was a kid was horrific child abuse.

PIC OF DUMBLE.: yeah sorry bro

HARRY: anyway I need advice

PIC OF DUMBLE.: Shoot!

HARRY: is my son a total loser because he hangs out with Malfoy’s kid and should he have been in GRYFFINDOR all along?

PIC OF DUMBLE.: totally bro

HARRY: MCGONAGALL, put my son in GRYFFINDOR and cut him off from his only social connection.

PIC OF DUMBLE, shedding a tear: he’s such a good dad.

INT. THE PAST WHERE ALBUS IS STILL TRAPPED IN ANOTHER REALITY

Albus finds the SHITTY BLANKET.

ALBUS <writing on blanket>: hello future you need to make sure that Snape dies, Cedric dies, Ron marries Hermione, and Scorpio is my bff otherwise Voldemort wins.

INT. THE FUTURE — POTTER HOUSEHOLD

ALBUS is crying over his blanket. Suddenly he notices the writing from PAST ALBUS.

ALBUS: hey dad I think I fucked up the universe with time travel.

HARRY: shit. Is it because your boyfriend is VOLDEMORT’S SON?

LADY WHO TAKES CARE OF AMOS DIGGORY: nope but I’m his daughter! Bellatrix is my mom.

HARRY: oh shit

VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER: you know I noticed another plot hole in the original books? You know how the prophecy says my dad would be killed by the kid he tried to murder? What if he just didn’t try to murder any kids?

HARRY: O SHIT

<They all go back in time to GODRIC’S HOLLOW>

RON: time to mAke sure the kids I conceived and raised from birth are never born so I can make out with HERMIONE. Fuck you Padma

PADMA: this is even worse than when I got pregnant by that Anakin kid

HERMIONE: ok guys do the things

DRACO: I am a sub and getting off on this

HARRY: my dick is bigger than yours Draco

DRACO: I think not! Dickus enlargicus!

HERMIONE: boys! Stop that at once!

DRACO: I’m still getting off on this.

HARRY: ok we have to make sure my parents die so Ron can fuck Hermione and have different kids. I’m gonna be Voldemort for a bit.

VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER: hi dad.

HARRY: …

VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER: so dad if you think about this prophecy for like five seconds killing Harry and his family is actually a really bad idea

HARRY: no it is a great idea

VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER: YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD

HARRY: fine you’re right. EXPELIARMUS

Draco throws VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER through the ceiling.

ENTER REAL VOLDEMORT

REAL VOLDEMORT: la de da, time to kill Harry and his family

EVERYONE: let’s get some popcorn and watch

INT. THE REGULAR FUTURE AGAIN

HARRY: I’m sorry I’m such a shitty dad. You can hang out with SCORPIUS again. Sure is good I gave you that blanket tho isn’t it?

ALBUS: whatever dad.

RON: HERMIONE, sure is weird how there’s timelines where we aren’t married

HERMIONE, hiding divorce papers: haha yep hilarious

HAN SOLO: I’m still probably a worse dad if it makes you feel better, Harry

HARRY: (looking at Han’s chest wound) it really doesn’t

ALBUS (to Scorpio): you know, I wonder if the reason my dad doesn’t like me is because I seem to like boys, or because I’m in Slytherin

SCORPIUS: probably both

ALBUS: funny how he named me for a gay dude and a Slytherin and I became one

SCORPIUS: my last name means mistake and I made a timeline where Snape was the nicest teacher

REMUS LUPIN’S GHOST: YOU CHILDREN KNOW NOTHING OF NOMINATIVE DETERMINISM

Fin.

2019 update: Eleanor is currently raising funds for her final gender confirmation surgery. If you’ve appreciated her articles here, you can help out at https://gogetfunding.com/ellies-final-trans-surgeries/