THE LAST JEDI by Rian Johnson, Abridged (mega spoilers)
STAR WARS, EPISODE VIII: THE LAST JEDI
By Rian Johnson, JK Rowling, Lilly Wachowski, Lana Wachowski, and Bootleg Girl
THE NARRATOR: it’s 2017 but in space
POE: I have a spaceship
LEIA: Poe, be careful with that spaceship
POE: Space mom, I am shooting Nazis, I don’t have time for “careful”
RON WEASLEY THE NAZI IN SPACE: excellent, we are winning. Our ships are really large
PAIGE: I’m an ethnic minority and I’m here to be religious and then die by the five minute mark
POE: Nice, super heroic and it only cost me like every one of my friends
LEIA: and also ALL THE FUCKING B WINGS, I’m demoting you but not in a way that means anything
LEIA: Seriously I really fail at space parenting, surrogate or genetic
FINN: woah my spine is fixed. I’m gonna walk around naked
POE: wtf man
FINN: you think it’s hot, admit it
POE: would be hotter without the bacta spewing everywhere
REY: hey Luke
LUKE: didn’t you watch the old trilogy? I’m the old guy now, I have to ignore you
REY: that seems like a counterproductive way to deal with the overwhelming infestation of Nazis in our political system, who are currently trying to murder your sister
LUKE: I read some fan forums and realized that the good guys suck too
REY: but there are space Nazis EVERYWHERE
LUKE: what do you expect me to do, fight them and/or negotiate with them?
REY: yes, that
LUKE: Fuck you. *squeezes a giant space cow’s nipple and guzzles the raw milk, seriously this actually happens*
SNOKE: RON WEASLEY! YOU SUCK
NAZI RON: Look I’m going to use a complex bondage metaphor and send my lover to kill his mom
KYLO REN: fuck yeah I am good at this parent killing thing
KYLO REN: Eh you know what, killing one parent in a day is fine
NAMELESS SPACE NAZI PILOT: no worries, I’ll kill your mom
REN: Thanks man
LEIA: I AM A FUCKING SPACE WIZARD
ROSE: MY SISTER IS DEAAAD holy shit it’s a cool person I’m not cool notice me senpai
FINN: I am very cool and not in the process of deserting
ROSE: Holy shit, you motherfucking traitor
FINN: oww. You know, I’m not sure how you’re going to get me for deserting, I think I’m still technically a space Nazi
ROSE: NOT HELPING MY VIEW OF YOU BRO
FINN: They can track us through hyperspace and this is weird even though it’s happened a lot before
ROSE: Holy shit. Some technobabble.
FINN: janitor technobabble
ROSE: we have to do a daring infiltration mission right now
LADY WHO RUNS THE RADAR: all the old canon characters on the bridge, namely Ackbar, are dead. Leia is injured so I appoint a new Defense Against the Space Dark Arts Professor, Admiral Tonks
ADMIRAL TONKS: My hair is very purple and I am gay as fuck
POE: ok we need to lie to the admiral and steal a ship
FINN: thing is we can’t actually do the thing we’re supposed to do because we aren’t SPACE HACKERS
MAZ KANATA: I know a totally hawt space hacker who I have banged personally because that is a mental image you needed
ROSE: all right motherfuckers, time to rob a Nazi space casino
CHEWBACCA: I’m gonna eat this cute animal
LUKE: hey R2, I’m not gonna help anyone because it’s the first act of the movie
R2: remember that time -
LUKE: Do not fucking go there
R2: I’m going there
LUKE: fuuuuuu
ROSE: ok so capitalism is shit
FINN: To the contrary, this place has BOOZE
ROSE: AND SLAVERY
FINN: well shit. Oh look, there’s the hot hacker guy
COPS: you are under arrest for being insufficiently Nazi and also parking violations
COPS: No really we’re mainly enforcing parking violations here
REN: I am very sad
REY: why are you talking to me like we’re some kind of talking buddies
REN: I really dunno
REY: I dislike that you are not wearing a shirt you fascist motherfucker
REN: as luke would say I’m pretty sure you are wrong about everything you just said, except the fascist motherfucker bit, which is a compliment
REY: Ever considered the light side
REN: yeah it seemed pretty cool until the leader of the “light side” decided to stab me in my sleep
REY: Ok but like even if that’s true you still stabbed a lot of kids and you’re a Nazi
REN: And hot
REY: Fucking hell
ADMIRAL TONKS: We are now in the pilot of nBSG, “33:3”. Like, exactly that.
POE: we should try to not die
TONKS: That is a horrible plan, get off of my bridge
ROSE: So how do we escape this casino heist subplot
SKETCHY MAN: I’m here and I’m sketchy and also here to help
FINN: No
ROSE: Yes
BB-8: FUCK THE POLICE
CUTE CAMEL MONSTERS: FUCK THE POLICE
ENSLAVED KID: Hey I look very 1930s but also I might remind you a bit of someone. Someone who had Force powers and was also -
FINN: look, we fucking hate space Nazis and also cops
KID: yippee!
CUTE CAMEL THINGS: DIE, NAZI CAPITALIST SCUM POLICE
SKETCHY GUY: come with me if you want to live
REY: So Kylo I’ve been thinking, since Luke wanted to murder at least one kid
REN: Go on
REY: I was thinking, does it really matter how many kids you want to murder
Like, if I have to learn the ways of the Force from someone who stabs kids
Shouldn’t it be someone with really good abs
REN: I think so. Also let’s do that famous painting, this is an art movie
REY: I can fix him!
LUKE: I am skeptical
REY: you stab kids
LUKE: who hasn’t wanted to stab, like, one kid
REY: *lightsaber, then leaves*
LUKE: fuck these millenials I’m burning my whole religion
Wait
YODA: I am space god and if you won’t burn the religion I will
LUKE: Wow baby boomers really fucked over the Millenials
YODA: Yup
POE: Ok President — I mean Admiral — this is a mutiny. Because this is nBSG
ADMIRAL: EAT CRYOFREEZE MOTHERFUCKER IM GAYYYY
POE: Assuming direct control
POE: Hey Finn how’s stuff
FINN: I’m on the Nazi command ship and my space Nazi mom just showed up with a laser guillotine g2g
POE: Shit
LEIA: I AM A SPACE WIZARD *stuns him* I’m good with these things
ADMIRAL TONKS: Hello woman I am clearly in a romantic relationship with, I have to die to save everyone
LEIA: No you don’t
TONKS: let’s hold hands and be romantic, that makes it ok
NAZI SPACE RON: Ok we totally have these SJWs now
RANDOM NAZI: Sir they are turning toward us
NSR: This is just them being foolish and not a desperate heroic gambit that will totally fuck our fascist asses
REY: you didn’t have to put me in the space bondage cuffs, Kylo (but I do appreciate it)
REN: <3
LORD SNOKE: Despite the name, I am a seriously fucked up space fascist and not a code word for smoking weed in space. Prepare to die
LORD SNOKE: Also I’m going to neg my apprentice, who has a crush on you, while also talking about killing you
It’s not like there’s a tradition of apprentices turning on masters specifically in space throne rooms
GUARDS: We have all the laser weapons that had until now been assumed to only exist in the very worst SW novels and we’re actually cool
ME: Ok but what the fuck happened to grand admiral thrawn
REY: I am plucky and like to kill space Nazis. “Ben,” help me out here
REN: Yeah remember how it went the last time someone dead named me
REY: seriously this guy is a dick to you, you should stop being a space Nazi and get me out of here
I’ll give you a space blowjob
REN: I’m being torn apart
SNOKE: You’re a shithead. You’re weak. I fucked with your brain. Anyway, kill your REAL ENEMY
REN: That’s a very good idea
REY: Holy shit yes
OBI WAN: CHECK THE UPPER TORSO
BE ABSOLUTELY SURE
GUARDS: FIGHT TIME
REN: NICE
REY: NICE
GUARDS: I have you now
REN: let’s switch sabers for effect
REY: Have my saber
REN: *stabs man in eye
REY: *throws man into fan so he explodes in a red shower
*they high five*
REY: ok so you’re head of the space Nazis now so like, ask them to stop being Nazis
REN: yeah about that
See, remember how I stabbed those kids?
Turns out I’m actually the kind of person who stabs kids for a human supremacist genocidal ideology
REY: GIVE ME BACK MY SPACE SWORD
*the wand link scene from HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS* happens but with the lightsaber. It explodes
REY: I’m going to get off the space Nazi flagship
REN: SPACE BOYFRIEND HALP
RON: Boyfriend, I cannot help but notice that our mutual 9 foot tall space dad is cut in half
REN: erm… *shuffles
RON: you monster
REN: *chokes him
RON: monster… supreme leader
PHASMA: ok space son I want you to die painfully. I’m ordering my troops to bring out the guillotines. Laser guillotines. Because guillotines have only ever done nice things to fascists
Prepare to die
ADMIRAL TONKS: EAT MON CALAMARI CRUISER SALAD MOTHERFUCKERS
ALL THE NAZIS: *die*
BB8: I’m a hacker! Die Nazis die!
SKETCHY DUDE: remember me? I just told them how to find the Rebels
REBELS: Well here is a base that totally isn’t going to be in the final half season or the show Rebels
Oh look
Totally normal things like subterranean hyperspace wolves
WOLVES: aooooo
LEIA: send out a signal for help
THE GALAXY: much like the American polity in 2017, we don’t really care much about fighting Nazis
LEIA: Well then I guess we’re fucked
LUKE SKYWALKER: Hey sis
LEIA: …
LUKE: you have nice hair. Sorry I tried to murder your son and set him on a path to actually surpass our father, Space Herman Goering, in cruelty and effectiveness
LEIA: eh no big
LUKE: he’s Nazi enough I gotta kill him
LEIA: sounds like a plan
LUKE: But the afterlife is real so you’ll see him again
LEIA: Oh very nice!
LUKE: Hey threepio, let’s interact. It’ll look like just a heartwarming moment but something revealed later will totally change the nature of droids in canon
3p0: I AM SPACE GAY
LUKE: Ok guys I am off to fight Kylo Ren and die ttyl
POE: Good plan dude
FINN: So I guess we should arm the four wheelers and drive them into combat with tanks
POE: Yup that’s the plan
FINN: I’m gonna die cuz all the cool kids are
POE: No I’m against my friends dying suddenly
ROSE: ILL NEVER LET GO JACKFINN
FINN: wtf I was doing a heroic death
ROSE: Death is bad except for Nazis
FINN: Oh
ROSE: *kisses him and maybe dies*
POE: ok guys we are out of options
Guess we’re gonna have to go with the *heavy guitar chord HYPERSPACE WOLVES
LEIA: Seems legit
REY: OK SPACE NAZIS IF MY OFFERS OF SEX CANT TURN YOU, EAT MY LASERS
REN: I fucking hate my dads ship
RON: Ren I am not sure you are the best —
AAAAAA
OTHER NAZI: Ok lord Ren you can just do whatever
REN: cool. Shoot at Luke
ALL THE NAZIS: *shoot*
WACHOWSKI SISTERS: Ok Rian…
LUKE, unscathed: LOL guns
KYLO: I WILL STAB YOU
LUKE: *literally bullet time dodges a lightsaber*
WACHOWSKI SISTERS: CREDIT US RIAN
LUKE: If you strike me down, yadda yadda
REN: *strikes him down*
LUKE: *is invulnerable because he is astral projecting HMM HOW DID THREEPIO A DROID SEE HIM
REN: I am agent smith level frustrated
LUKE: Gonna die now on my own, but I’m gonna haunt your Nazi ass
REN: Well shit
REY: lifts rocks, saves rebels
-FALCON: *zooms off*
EVERYONE: *is sad about Luke
<Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah plays, metaphorically speaking, as an emotionally wrecked yet victorious Kylo Ren paces the destroyed base>
LEIA: So this hashtag resistance thing IRL is really toxic so the Resistance is over
We’re Rebels again
LUKE: *looks at suns, dies*
KIDS ON CASINO CRIME PLANET: *talk about Luke*
TOTALLY LESS ANTISEMITIC WATTO: RAAA OPPRESS
KID: *uses Force, sweeps floor like he’s about to ask some girl if she’s an angel
*REBELS FLY BY*
TOTALLY NOT ANAKIN: YIPPEEE
DIRECTED BY RIAN JOHNSON AND BASICALLY THE WACHOWSKIS
Dr. Eleanor A. Lockhart holds a PhD in communication studies, but is on medical leave with significant financial challenges. Pledges to her Patreon or her Ko-Fi help her defeat the space nazis and produce more content like this
Eleanor is currently raising funds for her final gender confirmation surgery. If you’ve appreciated her articles here, you can help out at https://gogetfunding.com/ellies-final-trans-surgeries/
