Be the better friend
Because simple, stupid, human nature.
Elliot, you’re too nice.
So what?
Well, some people are just going to take advantage of you.
Well, most won’t. I’m happy to take the risk.
I keep a mental list of all of the relationships I really, truly value. It’s quite a long list in all honesty. I have a big group of friends back home, most of whom I have massive respect for, and then there’s all of the people I’ve met at university.
So it’s a lengthy list, but I don’t just let anyone on to it. I know a lot of people, which means this list is reserved for those who I enjoy spending time with most and whose values I respect and agree with. Conditions to get on to the list are personal to me, as I’m sure they would be to you, ao I won’t ramble in to them all here.
There is one condition I’ll make clear that I don’t require though, and that’s an expectation for the other person to put just as much effort in to the relationship as I do. I don’t care so much for that.
See, if I hold a relationship with someone that I respect and enjoy knowing, I’ll try to give my all to that relationship. Odds are, the other person won’t put in the same amount of effort — I’m aware of that fact — but if my judgement is correct about them, then that extra one, five or ten per cent I give will be paid back eventually.
It’s simple, stupid, human nature, you see. The reciprocation theory; the automatic mental need to return a favour, no matter how big or small.
It’s a theory I’m in awe of, because you see it around you every day.
If I buy you lunch, you’re probably going to buy me lunch in the future in reciprocation.
When you ask your parents for £10, get told no, but then half your request and receive £5, that’s the reciprocation theory in action.
If we concede something now, we’ll likely be paid back later.
To shift away from relationships and head towards the extreme end of the specturm, there’s no better example of the reciprocation theory’s power than in Robert Cialdini’s book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.
Picture this: Ethiopia, 1985. The country is in ruins. Its people are starving, many dying from lack of food. Disease is ravaging the population and, at the time, it is arguably the most impoverished country on the planet.
Mexico City, 1985. A massive earthquake has hit the area, leaving incredible damage in its wake and over 5,000 people dead.
Both hugely difficult times for each country. If any aid money was to change hands between Ethiopia and Mexico though, it’d likely be going to the African country, right?
Wrong. After the earthquake, with its country in a political and financial state of decay, the Ethiopian Red Cross sent $5,000 to Mexico’s earthquake relief fund.
Why? The reciprocation theory. 50 years earlier in 1935, Mexico had sent aid to Ethiopia after the latter was invaded by Italy.
In 1985, half a century on, Ethiopia returned the favour.
And that, my friends, is why I’ll always try to give more than I need to.
