I read a meme the other day that I found offensive. That’s not unusual… I find lots of memes offensive. This one in particular was meant to give a sense of outrage, but like all dark humor it had its basis in truth. The meme read,
RAPE IS OK IF THE RAPIST PAID FOR DINNER
I realize that the point of the message is show the insanity that is the American rape culture, and I think it does a good job of doing so, but acknowledging the problem without providing a solid suggestion as to how to address it (it being the 51% of boys, ages 11–14, who believed any form of forced sex is acceptable) isn’t all that helpful.
What examples of manhood are these children, and I emphasize children, surrounded by? Did their mothers or fathers sit down with them one day and say, “Son . . . if you spend the money, you better get the honey . . . or else?”
Unless my parents just never got around to having that discussion with me, I seriously doubt 51% of parents have expressed it quite so eloquently. I wish there was an easy way to track down where these ideas began, but I don’t believe there is. Television and movies, although the cause of many problems surrounding rape culture, can’t be all to blame for this. Internet pornography perhaps? Nope . . . do they ever bother starting out at a fine dining establishment? Can we blame the world’s religions which have done such a fine job of subjugating women for thousands of years? Hmmm . . . this one also seems like a stretch to me.
Instead I propose a major factor is the importance we, and I mean both men and women, place upon money and power. This isn’t a universal truth by any means, but perhaps it might be 51% of the problem. Young boys aren’t stupid or blind, they just appear that way to grownups that don’t understand what is going through their heads. By the time a boy is eleven or twelve, he’s got a pretty good concept of what a pretty woman looks like, and what an old man looks like. Odds are good he’s seen a picture of Hugh Heffner, or Summer Redstone, or even Donald Sterling (LA Clippers Ex-Owner) with a hot twenty-something model hanging on his arm. Or maybe a Charlie Sheen talking about living and loving with porn-stars. Maybe he’s seen a sugar-baby ad on the internet . . . who knows, but he’s been exposed to the concept that money and power equate to pretty girls and sex.
It might be something as innocent as his mother giving affection to her husband or boyfriend over a nice gift. For a young man of that age, a kiss or a hug equates to at least getting to second base. What do they really know? Most of what they think they know, they learned from fellow boys . . . who don’t know very much either.
The point is . . . the table has been set. Boys are raised to believe that a great deal of their value lies within the capacity to provide income. Everyone knows that a baseball player making twenty-million a year is better than the guy only making one-million a year right? So if a young man gives everything he has “earned,” be it twenty bucks or five-hundred, and is rejected in his goal to have sex, then it is a condemnation of his self-worth . . . UNLESS SOMEONE TELLS HIM OTHERWISE!
If we know that rape is about power, rage, and frustration and not about love, sex, and companionship, then one can almost understand how such a large percentage of young men are so incredibly messed up over this issue. I AM NOT GIVING THEM A PASS! I’m saying we need to teach them that they are more than their wallets. That a gift or a nice meal is given freely without expectation, and most importantly . . . that the girl that can’t see past his wallet isn’t going to make him happy.
Before I bring this little diatribe to a close, let me make one thing completely and loudly clear. I am not victim-blaming women for this problem. There are sound evolutionary reasons that, all things being equal, a woman is more likely to choose a mate with more resources to help her care for any offspring they may have.
The solution here lies with the parent(s), to make sure their sons understand.
Rape of any kind, be it date rape or otherwise is a serious crime and inexcusable in my eyes. But the problem, which has lasted for millennia, isn’t going to be solved overnight no matter how we may pray that it would. I’m simply suggesting one of many possible reasons behind rape culture and hope parents will start raising better, healthier young men with the simple concept of, “You are more than a paycheck. Love who you are, not what you do.”
Sounds like a win-win to me.
A version of this article first appeared on embosso.net
