Every Body is Different
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Growing up in Taiwan, I trained as a competitive swimmer since I was four. “The effort you put in is what you get.” Working ethics of perseverance, endurance, and discipline were ingrained into the rigorous swimming trainings, and I apply such beliefs in personal endeavors. I moved to Hong Kong for university studies and navigated the vastly different currents — pace, diversity, the previously unfamiliar language, social norms, and the culture.
We adapt when we move to another city and establish new life rituals. Yet, some values implanted in childhood never leave you — despite changes in environments and life stages. Some cling to familiar elements while others explore the unknown with an insatiable hunger and curiosity. For semi-adults in the making navigating exotic frontiers and establishing one’s personal values — while encountering those with diverging values from different walks of life…the load of navigating in foreign land could get heavy.
One day, we might realize that we have lost something — but never realized its importance until we lost it. This could be in all realms, and for me it was physical health. I share this story today, to girls navigating different realms of life — sometimes the pressure simmers and builds up, but it’s important to take time for yourself, slow down, and relax.
The Journey — healing from Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Academic rigor, marathon trainings, social adaptation, and a near perfectionist attitude left its mark in the first year of university. Trained as an athlete — I enjoyed working towards goals, thrived on challenges, and aim for hitting “personal bests”. I navigated endeavors in a similar manner — which was a double-edged sword. In addition to academics and extracurriculars, I signed up for my first half-marathon with friends in freshman year. The euphoria in running was getaway from stress in school — distance running calls for perseverance, discipline, strength, and flexibility — and I felt powerful on the field. I remembered morning runs combined with swimming trainings in the evenings, without realizing it being excessive. The first signs of strain was when my weight dropped and menstruation disappeared. Yet back then, I was oblivious to the signs; I was afraid to face such “stigma” even to myself.
After a few half-marathon competitions, I decided that it was a time to pause. I was exhausted by the rigorous training schedules, the loss of energy, “eating clean”, and my inner thoughts surfaced loud and clear. **Redacted**
Family knows me best…certainly bro. “你去香港之後怎麼變吃得那麼少啊？”“你是不是因為身體吃得不夠，但心裡還想吃，才會胃食道逆流啊？” During university semester breaks visiting home, his observations were accurate, forthright, and blunt, directly tackling thoughts I myself never faced.
When do you start healing?
No one heals in a straight line. For me, healing starts when we want to — that moment of epiphany when we are motivated to open up, seek help, and change. “Why now? This was the question I ask patients on the first visit. I need to know why patients are motivated to change.” Said Dr. Edith Eva Eger, in her memoir “The Choice”. This was also the question in doctor visits, “Why now? Why not earlier?” Sometimes our pain pushes us, sometimes hope pulls us. “Yet, we always have that choice — the opportunity of control. I am here, this is now.”
One of the powerful triggers for me was the exchange semester in France. France is a beautiful getaway — advocating a slower pace, creative pursuits, and lifestyle of quality. With only 2 days of classes each week, I had ample time thinking, writing, sauntering, and cherishing simple abundances. It taught me to slow down, reach within, and open up. I’m grateful for A****, who made me realize how seeking counsel by opening up could heal, and how in 3 years’ time, my high school pal budded with such professionalism in medical school. Her maturity, acumen, and compassion inspired. The easily understandable advice, depths of knowledge, and warm counsel soothed immensely. Thank you.
I learned to be mindful of the present, pick up body cues, and became more conscious of rest needed. The exchange semester greatly impact my personal values. I realized that health comes before any endeavor — professional-wise, novel pursuits, or interpersonal relationships. The magical spell of the country slowed me down, and I realized that “when we go slow, you will find joy, wherever you go.”
Subtle transformations
Throughout the journey of recovery, physical transformations are perceptible. Gradually returning to a stronger build, better nourishment, and cutting back on rigorous trainings could help us radiate a more energetic glow. Yet, psychological dimensions of recovery are more subtle. Obsessions of “clean eating”, disciplines in sports trainings, micro-management in build, and devotions in pursuits that were mental realms that were harder to modify overnight. The realization of past extremes take time, and it is often when we take a pause, through sabbaticals or longer breaks, that we clarify our motivations for change. For me, sharing conviviality, **redacted**— these were my motivations for change.
When we slow down — not having to prove or chase behind moving equilibriums, we appreciate worldly simple abundances. Simple moments — sea watching along the bay and appreciating the fluid movements and sounds of waves, sauntering along a familiar but deserted route up the mountains, listening to elders chat in their unfamiliar local tongue, or people watching in the busy traditional market... The desire for conviviality, aesthetics, and balance. Taking time for ourselves — making sure we have had adequate rest for the next endeavor. Sometimes physical and social challenges grant perspective, the sensibility of what others might be going through. Suffering could make us hard, but it could also make us soft. Softer, warmer, and more observant through the resilient confidence from a peaceful warrior.
Reflections
Sometimes we look back in our struggles — and reflect that this education might be a blessing in disguise…because it forced us to look at life differently. HA was humbling and transformative — it requires patience and perseverance in a journey with no end in sight. Looking back, I feel tenderness for that lonely, unsettled, and determined young soul — and that with time, she made her way through self-education, albeit haphazardly, through counsel and faith. The journey wasn’t without tears –burdening our loved ones with worry, rigorous medical checkups, and pulling back from our familiar yet excessive rituals. Yet it wasn’t without joys also — being blessed with warm counsel, maturing with a more resilient confidence, and building back our physique and energy.
Throughout these years, I have encountered multiple young souls sharing mutual experiences, figuring out paths towards adulthood. This is for J*****, M******, G*****, J****, and girls out there. Change does not happen overnight. We could take our time. It will take courage, patience, and disciplined effort when we embark on the journey for change. Keep faith, slow down, seek professional counsel, and open-up when you feel comfortable — you’ll be amazed by the support and love around you. Cheers to the journey ahead.
