The light we carry book review (Michelle Obama)
I read Michelle Obama’s memoir “Becoming” three years ago, and found it inspiring in many aspects: life as the first lady, early career navigations, and personal identity construction. “The light we carry” offers more wisdom sharing of her life after years in the White House. I particularly enjoyed sections in which she shares insights in crafting longer term pursuits and building relationships.
The Power of writing
Michelle says that the process of writing is a tool that helps her filter emotions into useful form. “Seeing everything on the page, I refine, revise, and rethink — finding my way towards purpose.” Just as South African novelist Nadia Gordimer said, “Writing is making sense of life. You work your whole life and perhaps you’ve made sense of one small area.” Such is the power of reading and writing. In absorbing ideas from different angles, we filter communal experiences and portray reflections into words. Michelle shares both personal stories and professional endeavors, but things that rang a bell with me were the mundane stuff –clarifying a personal calling, connecting with others, and finding balance between personal and professional endeavors. Memoirs can build platforms between people, as we realize that we are similar ahead of all that made us different. “Empathy fills the gaps between us, and we get pulled into the lives of others by virtue of what they feel safe to share.”
In comprehending our personal experiences through reflections and writing, we start to know ourselves better. Maturity and self-knowledge come from honest and calm reflections of experiences — confident resilience can come painful struggles, while humble poise can come from knowledge of the hard work behind successes. “Honest self-knowledge builds confidence, which breeds into calmness and an ability to maintain perspective, leading us to be able to connect with others meaningfully — which is the bedrock of all things.”
Friendships
I particularly enjoyed reading the sections in which Michelle shares her wisdom on “building her table” — friends who provide support along our journeys. She has a strong conviction in maintaining her friendships. “I am not someone who takes friendships lightly. Friendships are both a commitment and lifeline, and I hold on to them as such, tightly and deliberately.” “Life has shown me that strong friendships are often the results of strong intentions. Your table needs to be deliberately built, populated, and tended to. Best friendships need no witness, they are not something that can be measured or cashed upon; the substance mostly happens behind the scenes.” After academic years in Taiwan and Hong Kong, I’ve found that the most resilient friendships come from strong intentions, as people grow apart geographically and professionally after graduation. Those that stay most close with us either have a very similar set of life values (not necessarily hobbies, I’ve found) or have lived through a portfolio of experiences together, and we intentionally keep contact as we cherish our bonds.
What does Michelle look for in her friendships? “I try to provide and look for in friendships: a sense of home, a sense of safety and belonging, and a sympathetic ear.” In my 2023 visit in CNY to Taiwan, one of the reunions with a small group of high school friends made a warm and lasting impression — of how we’ve grown apart, yet of how comfortable we could share vulnerabilities and future ponders. I’ve been in close contact with some within the group, and there were also a few whom I did not meet for nearly 6 years. We shared transitions post university, career navigations, family relationships, and partnership — tender subjects that can be comfortably shared with those most close to us. We listened and offered a sympathetic ear– we may not necessarily have the solution or wise guidance to offer, but a friend’s presence and compassion are strengthening pillars as we sail through rough seas. “When someone chooses to lift the curtain of perceived imperfection in her story, on a circumstance or condition traditionally considered a weakness, she’s often revealing trust, strength, and steadiness. It matters when we feel safe enough to show ourselves without shame and find ways to speak openly about who we are. I found that many struggles and life navigations at the present stage are communal — workplace transitions, interpersonal relationships, and finding balance. Such reunions offer strength and solace to present endeavors. Resilient friendship is a nourishing gift that we carry forward as we navigate different stages of life.
Partnerships
As a mother, Michelle shares her wisdom for her daughters on partnership with readers. I feel that not all Asian parents openly share and discuss subjects surrounding emotional intelligence and partnership with kids. It was nice to hear her perspective on adulthood commitments.
She shares her thoughts in partnerships — the levels of commitment, practices, and “looking-around” along the journey. “The truth is that I hope my daughters won’t rush out of the market too quickly. I hope instead that they will linger for a while, allowing their relationships to remain fluid and youthful. To prioritize learning the skills of independence, well ahead of signing up for a lifetime spent with another person. When you know your own light, you are better prepared to share it with another person.” When we know ourselves better, we find it easier to connect with others in a meaningful way, which is the foundation of relationships. “Your fulfillment, in love, family, and career, rarely happens all at once. In a strong partnership, both people will take turns at compromise, building that shared sense of home.” Yet, there is room for depth and realness in relationships as we transition towards adulthood — we practice the basics of commitment, communication — sharing vulnerabilities and verifying our instincts with the ones we gravitate towards.
I liked a small anecdote that she shared on visiting Barack’s family in Hawaii — she had a glimpse of Barack’s family life and how it has built the foundation for his family commitments. “In Barack’s small high-rise apartment, it took me some time to realize what I was being shown. I was with a man who was devoted to his family, seeing his version of consistency, attentively counseling through various crises, problem solving with them by phone any time issues arose. He knew how to love even from far away — practicing it his whole life. He was allowing me to see the real: we weren’t casual, playing it cool; which is how I began to understand that we would end up being far more than tourists in each other’s lives.”
Remaining agile: Keeping your eye on the goal while staying grounded
As a continuation to her previous book, Becoming, Michelle shares additional insight on maintaining balance in her personal and professional sphere. “Agility matters when you are working towards your goal — pushing yourself forwards while guarding your resources, advancing without fully draining your strength. You need to be careful with emotions, choose your fights, and think about your long-term goals.” In our early stages of life in finding our calling, we might need to juggle multiple balls at once — staying grounded with our jobs at hand, putting extra work in self-learning towards intermediate milestones, and envisioning longer-term aspirations. Thus, being judicious about our energy and clear in our convictions is important — you push ahead in some instances, and pull back in others. Such is the importance of self-care and self-repair. I’ve learned it the hard way — through extremes in sports training and academic endeavors, I found that a sustainable pace wins the marathon. Just as Michelle shares in the book “If you are trying to move too fast or working in an unsustainable way, your body might throw out distress signals. Pay attention to how you are feeling — reach out for help if you are struggling. It’s okay to pace yourself, get a little rest, and prioritize your wellness, to make a habit of rest and repair.”
This is a wonderful read that offers wisdom in life-stage transitions — we get a glimpse of Michelle Obama’s discipline in hard work, wisdom in maintaining her balance, and support circle that she has deliberately built up. Thankful for a “sequel” to her previous memoir “Becoming”, and I recommend both books as great company along life stage navigations.
