The Social Animal book review (David Brooks)
Written by American journalist David Brooks, the social animal brilliantly blends fiction and non-fiction elements. The two fictional characters’ emotional personality changes in different life stages are integrated with psychological, scientific, cultural, and sociology commentaries. Written in the style of accessible journalism, The Social Animal summarizes various scientific discoveries simply, giving us a better grasp of our emotions, intuitions, biases, longings, and social bonds.
By discussing what drives our emotional character and decision making, the author attempts to characterize the hidden qualities that leads to fulfillment and happiness. He identifies certain important noncognitive skills: good character (energetic, honest, dependable, persisting after setbacks), street smarts (to read people, situations, ideas), and personality traits (confidence in risk taking, living up to commitments, controlling impulses).
Parenting and the formative years of childhood
The two fictional characters came from diverse social backgrounds. Harold comes from the upper middle class while Erica had immigrant parents and a turbulent childhood. “Parents don’t have to be supremely gifted teachers. They have to provide their kids with stable rhythms, falling in tune with kid’s needs combining warmth and discipline. They need to establish secure emotional bonds and provide living examples of how to copes with stress and challenges, so that children can develop unconscious models in their heads.”
Different families express and deal with emotions in distinct ways, as some cultures are more expressive in certain emotions such as affection and sadness. I’ve discussed with E**** that our families may be excellent in teaching cognitive skills, such as problem solving and logical reasoning, but at times emotionally unavailable — out of touch with certain non-cognitive skills such as emotional reflection, mindfulness, and coping with stress.
The author cites scientific literature that securely attached children tend to have more friends at school, and don’t feel compelled to lean against teachers; neither do they hold themselves aloof. They come and go — establishing contact and breaking away. They also tend to be more truthful through life, feeling less of a need to lie and put themselves up in other’s eyes. Avoidantly attached children tend to have parents who are emotionally unavailable. Adults who are avoidantly attached tend to not remember much about their childhoods. They may describe their childhoods in generalities, but there was little that was emotionally powerful to recall. They may excel at logical discussions but reap with unease when the conversation turns to emotions and have trouble developing intimate commitments. They tend to have a narrow emotional range and are more at ease when alone.
Learning phase — academic and personality development
Childhood and adolescence are the golden years for learning cognitive skills and developing athleticism. The author cities interesting studies ranging from language acquisition, disciplined sports practice, and reinforcing memories. In language learning, “Studies in language acquisition have found that the quickest learning comes from face-to-face tutoring. The slowest comes from videos or audiotapes.” Having attended both i-Talki (online) and physical French courses, I do find that the physical presence and the interactive atmosphere boosts foreign language learning outcomes. In terms of memory reinforcement, “A large body of research shows that people retain information better when they alternate from setting to setting. The different backgrounds stimulate the mind and create denser memory webs.”
Interestingly, the author cites that “The more secure a person feels at home, the more likely he or she is to venture out boldly to try new things.” Life is organized as a series of long or short excursions, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures. Family serves as a stable anchor, blessing us with courage in venturing out and taking risks. In Indra Nooyi’s biography, she said that as she progressed through different endeavors in life, home is always there to anchor and steady her. She believes that healthy families are the root of healthy societies, and that people can thrive if we have deep connections with our parents and children.
Sports, on the other hand, may serve a larger purpose than the activity itself. Tennis served some larger cosmic purpose for the fictional character Erika during her teenage years — it organized her identity. Walter Lipman wrote that “above all the necessities of human nature, above the satisfaction of any other need, above hunger, love, pleasure, fame — even life itself — what a man most needs is the conviction that he is contained with discipline of an ordered existence.” It could provide stability and calm during our chaotic stages — such was the case for me when I first moved to Hong Kong during my university years. Swimming team training and marathon preparations organized my day back then — sports served as anchors that balanced my adaptation to a new and demanding environment.
Building character
“Character emerges out of the interplay of many good little influences, the power of small repetitive action to reinforce positive ways of seeing the world.” Our families, teachers, and childhood friends — pillars of our character building, may shape our first world view and have lasting impacts.
There is no personality that leads to success. Yet, interestingly, the author cites a 2009 study of CEOs, which found that attention to detail, persistence, efficiency, analytical thoroughness, and the ability to long hours were key traits. They ability to organize and execute. They also found that extroversion, agreeableness, and openness to new experience did not correlate well with CEO success. Emotional stability and conscientiousness — being dependable, making plans, and following through mattered more. As Wharton professor Angela Duckworth mentioned, people who succeed tend to find one goal in the distant future and chase it through thick and thin; the ability to get better gradually through time. Such are the powers of passion and perseverance!
Building relationships — personal and professional realm
In the personal realm, the author says that “People vastly overvalue work and money’s contribution to happiness. The deeper the relationships a person has, the happier they will be. Social connections early in life predict longevity and good health at the end.” Childhood friends serve as anchors throughout our life, and despite having developed different parcours as we age, the warm and vivid memories during each reunion blesses us with deep contentment.
Most relationships are bound by trust, a habitual reciprocity that becomes coated by emotion. In the professional realm, I found that no matter your personal charisma — outgoing or reserved — trust and consistency are important pillars in forging relationships. The ability to remain consistent and dependable through time could forge strong bonds and may be more important than the personal charisma that you possess.
People in love are like people in midst of a cocaine crush, gripped by a desire that takes over their lives. Love is a motivational state, leading to various emotions from europhia to misery. Some love poems suddenly made sense — you feel strongly for lines like “Love is so short, forgetting is so long” by Pablo Neruda or “It is a frightening thought, that in a fraction of a moment, you can fall in love that takes a lifetime to get over.” by Beau Taplin. These passionate and heartbreaking lines provide solace for the souls that are rich with emotion and sentimental thoughts.
“Maturity means understanding the different characters and modules that are active inside your head.” Going through the stages of elation, passion, and love, we could take a step back and watch our emotional turbulences from a distance. Maturity blesses us with wisdom that we have been there before, and prepares us with more experience in how to deal with difficult situations.
As we age, “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” As people pay less attention to negative sentiments as they age, they have learned the power of positive perception — many become more outgoing, self-confident, and warm with age. I think this correlates well with the Buddhism wisdom of 「能放下，不要執著。」Such are similar sentiments senior actor 黃** shared, 「除了讀書，凡是別太認真。對親情、友情太認真會失真。太堅持代表問題、煩惱多，只要能放下，就天下太平。」
In the final chapters of the book, the fictional character Erika was still in constant action. “Erica never got to the point in her life when she could really relax. She always had to be moving and doing and achieving. But this was a delicious sort of exertion. For someone who’d spent her life struggling and climbing, these trips were pure joy.” The ability to relax, unwind, and restart is also pivotal in our life ventures, as life is a marathon not a race. We can learn many things with time, through practice and patience, so take it slow and enjoy the ride!
