Living With an Eating Disorder

“The first thing I did in the morning was step on the scale. The numbers I saw determined how the rest of my day would go.” That is how Jaide Guillory described what it was like to live with an eating disorder.

Eating disorders can control a person’s life and it can make the weight and their body the only thing they think about at all times.

For Jaide, the eating disorder started when she was in seventh grade. It stemmed from constantly hearing comments that her family would make about her weight.

Jaide said that her grandma would tell her she needed to be careful and watch how much she eats every time she went to her house to visit.

“It was as if she didn’t know that when people are going through puberty, it is hard to control what your body does,” Jaide stated.

She said she never understood why they would say the things they would to her but continue to encourage her to eat so much. She said she began to feel like she was not good enough and she had to be better.

All of the comments from her family and the constant need to be better led her to become bulimic. Bulimia nervosa is a mental disorder that controls the way you see your body. People that suffer from bulimia tend to consume large amounts of food and then purge, or throw up, to get it out of their body.

“By eighth grade, I was throwing up after every meal. I was doing it at least five times a day if not more,” Jaide said. “No one ever knew I was doing it.”

At home, Jaide had her own bathroom in her bedroom, so there was no worry of someone hearing her or coming in while she was in there. She had complete privacy.

She kept a scale and tape measures in her room because she had to know her weight and measurements at all times.

Eventually, Jaide’s bulimia turned into anorexia as well, like it does for many people suffering with it.

“If I stepped on the scale and it was anything more than what I thought that it should be, I knew I had to skip a meal, so for breakfast I would stick to a liquid like coffee to try and prevent my stomach from growling,” Jaide said.

She always hated when her stomach made noises in class because she said she felt that all of her classmates would look at her and that meant they were looking at her body.

Even though that was a huge distraction in class, that was not the only distraction she had.

“Eating disorders mess with your mind so much and there was a constant need to know how much I weighed and what my measurements were, so I would constantly measure my wrist with my fingers and make sure that it was the right size,” Jaide said.

The eating disorder distracted Jaide so much that her grades suffered in school. There were so many days that her anxiety from the eating disorders would cause her to miss school and when she did go to school, the only things that she could think about were what she looked like and what people thought about her.

“I was at my worst in ninth and tenth grade. My bulimia kind of turned into anorexia and I had lost 50 pounds in just a few months,” Jaide stated, “and even though that was basically what I was trying to do, it made me feel so much worse about myself.”

People at her school would comment on her weight or ask how she got so skinny and that made her feel even worse than she already did about herself.

“At school we had to take P.E. and everyone changed in front of each other in the locker rooms. Most of the time I would not even dress out because I was too worried about people seeing my body,” Jaide stated.

Jaide said, “I knew I did not look healthy and even though my mind told me I needed to be skinnier, I knew that no one else needed to do what I was doing.”

She was so embarrassed all the time because she felt that people knew what she was doing. The lunchroom at school was a place that she could never go to because she could not stand to be around all of the food, and she knew her friends would make comments about why she was not eating.

“One day, my friend asked me to come over after school and she started talking about all the food she wanted to cook. She wanted steaks, baked potatoes and a bunch of desserts, so I told her that I was on a diet and I wanted to bring my own food. Thinking about that now, she probably thought I was crazy for bringing my own food to a sleepover,” Jaide said.

Jaide and her mom Kim Guillory did not have the greatest relationship and she said that only made her feel worse about herself. She said she did not feel like her mom understood her.

“We got into a fight one day and it got to a point where I wanted to explain myself and show her that she did not know anything about me. I sent her a long text message telling her about my bulimia and anorexia because I just could not stand to tell her to her face,” stated Jaide.

The news of the eating disorder was surprising to hear because it had been going on for so long and Kim had never realized it.

Kim said, “When she told me, I was very shocked. I had never had an image problem myself or thought so little of myself so I was clueless as to where it was coming from.”

Once her mom knew, Jaide said her mom changed completely and tried to do whatever she could to help.

“She told me that I needed to see a therapist and she also brought me to a nutritionist because she knew that she could not give me what I needed to get better. I even found books about eating disorders when she was not home one day and I that told me that she really did care about me getting better,” Jaide said.

Jaide’s mom tried her best, but said, “I have not handled it to this day. I struggle each day when it comes to mind and I’m not sure I will ever understand it.”

Her eating disorders and mental health got to point where it was hard to hide it from everyone. She finally confided in her two closest friends because she knew that they were worried about her.

“When I told them, it kind of gave me a feeling of relief. I knew they knew something was going on and I did not feel like I had to hide anymore,” Jaide stated.

Bailey Nitschke was one of Jaide’s closest friends that was told about the eating disorder.

Nitschke said, “When she told me, I was super heartbroken, but at the same time a lot of things started falling into place.”

She finally understood why Jaide felt so uncomfortable talking about her weight or why she did not always eat when everyone else was eating.

“I think she was the first person that I knew personally who had an eating disorder. It felt really scary,” Nitschke said.

Nitschke said it felt different after she knew about Jaide’s problem, but in reality nothing had changed. She only knew what had been going on the whole time.

“After she told me, I got really nervous because I felt like I didn’t know how to act around her anymore. I think eventually after talking about it more, I realized there was no need for me to be nervous, but I definitely knew that I couldn’t be the one to fix it,” stated Nitschke.

The friendship between the two only got better because Jaide said she felt more comfortable once her friends knew.

Jaide finally told a few more friends about the eating disorders when she started to slowly recover and feel more comfortable with it and herself, but that was not until her senior year of high school. Gavin Businelle was one of those friends.

“I think that Jaide hid it very well. It was something that I felt she needed help with, but Jaide was also the type of person that likes to handle things herself, so I knew there was nothing that I could do,” Businelle said.

WHen Jaide started telling more people about what she struggled with, it only made recovery easier for her.

“People cannot understand what an eating disorder is or what it does unless you go through it. It took a while but after a lot of medicine and trying many different therapists, I was finally able to recover and I am now healthier and more confident than ever.”