How an Alter Ego Will Boost Your Sex Life

A step-by-step to build your sexual alter ego

Emma London
Dec 13, 2020 · 7 min read
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Image by inna mikitas from Pixabay

Many people deal with a trembling sexual confidence. Their insecurities or inhibitions emerge from several sources: body image issues, afraid to embrace their fantasies, shame of disclosing their kinks, etc.

Whatever the reasons are, there’s a way to overcome sexual confidence issues. How? By creating an alter ego.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines alter ego as “the part of someone’s personality that is not usually seen by other people”, giving the example of Super-man being Clark Kent’s alter ego.

An alter ego is a second identity; one designed based on your (repressed) personal traits and preferences. It’s an alternate persona.

Why should you create a sexual alter ego?

There are two principal reasons to create an alter ego: 1) to help you overcome your lack of sexual confidence, or 2) to bring novelty to your relationship.

1. How does an alter ego helps to overcome low sex confidence?

If you have body issues or you’re struggling to bring a sexual fantasy alive, an alter ego will be very useful.

When you create a persona, you incarnate it.

The purpose of an alter ego is to camouflage your real self by embodying your persona. Which, having been outlined by you, won’t have insecurities or inhibitions.

It’s a bit like when you dress up to Halloween and you behave like your character — you are more adventurous and bold. After all, it’s not you, right? It’s all about the character.

Using an alter ego is the same: you become that persona.

You’ll be able to explore and try things you always wanted but couldn’t make yourself do it. Now, you’re going to put that responsibility on your alter ego. S/he won’t feel uncomfortable or shamed.

Your alter ego will be an escape; it will allow you to let your anxieties and insecurities behind.

2. How does a sexual alter ego bring novelty to your relationship?

Being someone you usually aren’t, is undoubtedly a way to spice up your relationship.

Also, because you’re not “yourself”, you will ask and do things you usually don’t.

Or you’ll feel empowered to attend your partner’s request — the one you want to do it but don’t feel confident enough to perform.

With your alter ego, you can also engage in role-playing. If your inhibitions don’t let you play nurse or a kidnapper, give the role to your alter ego! I’m sure s/he will know what to do with it.

How to create a sexual alter ego?

The tips I’m giving you below are a guide — one I’m using for myself, as I’m developing my sexual alter ego. I’ll be a gothic Mistress.

The idea of having an alter ego happened after my partner asked me, a couple of weeks ago, to be his dominator.

Because I’m not (yet) comfortable in the role, I decided to create a persona — she will give my man an unforgettable experience. At the same time, my alter ego is feeding my self-confidence as a Dominator. I know I have the traits in me, I’m simply a bit shy to expose them.

Creating a sexual alter ego takes time, and you shouldn’t rush the process. Despite it’s a persona that will act for you, behind the scenes it’s still you.

You need time to build it from scratch and to learn to live with it.

Let me tell you how to do it efficiently:

Why do you need (want) an alter ego?

The first step is to answer the question: why do you need or want a sexual alter ego?

Is it to fulfil something you can’t do by yourself — like in my case -, is it for fun, or simply to live in the skin of “someone else”?

When creating your alter ego, you must have a purpose.

Here are a few answers you should answer, to make your alter ego complete and coherent:

  • Why are you creating it?
  • What will you do with it?
  • What part of yourself your alter ego will take over?
  • Will it be a completely different persona from you, or just partially?

Decide who you want to be

It’s time to give a body and personality to your alter ego.

Using again the example of a Halloween costume: when you’re dressed up as a character, you act like them; you reproduce what you saw in the movies or read in the book. You dress their outfit and act according to their personalities and traits.

The same will happen with the alter ego. This means you have to build it in detail. Of course, you’ll have space to improvise. But it’s easy to do it when you have a solid base to come back to.

Here are the points you need to consider when creating your sexual alter ego.

Create a physical character:

  • Hairstyle and makeup;
  • Kind of clothing, including lingerie and shoe clothing;
  • Other physical details: the way of walking, posture, specific traits.

Create a personality:

  • What’s its name?
  • What type of personality will have? Bold, submissive, adventurous, romantic…
  • How does it talk? Slower than you? With an accent? Does it use cursing words?

Decide what your sexual alter ego will do

You should know in advance what your alter ego will do, so you can be prepared for what’s coming.

For instance, I need to watch videos of Dominators, to learn specific skills. If only I could go to a dungeon…

If you want your alter ego to be a master in dirty talk, you must read about it and train it beforehand (already in the skin of your persona, but more about this later.)

These are a few questions you must answer to be well prepared:

  • What are your sexual alter ego preferences? Is s/he gay, bi, straight? Will be a vanilla persona or a kinky one?
  • What will your alter ego do during sex?
  • Is your alter ego going to be vocal during sex? Dirty talk, giving commands or asking how s/he wants pleasure to be delivered.
  • If s/he’s going to talk during sex, what will s/he say and how?

There will be more questions to be answered, but those will appear while you’re building your alter ego; one thing will lead to the other.

Take into consideration all the ideas that come up into your mind. Try to answer them without your (usual) insecurities or fears — but not pushing yourself far from your comfort zone. This is supposed to be a fun and positive experience.

Design your sexual alter ego

Now that you answered all the questions you needed to create your alter ego, move to the next step.

You might know exactly how you want your persona to look like, but if not, you can get inspired on the internet, browsing on Pinterest or Twitter. I also get inspired by online shops that sell lingerie and burlesque clothes.

It’s important you create a visualisation of your alter ego; it will be easier to become s/he if you know how it looks. If you’re good at drawing, take advantage of it and create your persona.

Build your alter ego

It's important to say that your persona doesn’t have to be much different from you. You build it as you feel it needs to be.

The purpose of your alter ego is to allow you to let go of your insecurities and inhibitions. That can happen with an elaborated persona or just with internal work. Do whatever works for you.

After you know how your alter ego will look like, make it tridimensional!

Start to buy the elements for the outfit: clothes, shoes, makeup, hair, and all the props your persona will have if any.

Experience your sexual alter ego by yourself

When you have the outfit and know how your persona will act, it’s time to try it.

This will be your alter ego’s test drive.

Spending alone time with your persona will allow you to feel it; to decide what you want to change or to let go.

When home alone, create a sensual ambience. Dress up like your alter ego, assume its personality and masturbate.

Create a sexual scene and live it as your persona. Explore your body, talk like it, act like it! This exercise is great to train your communication skills.

Another activity for you is to go out incarnating your alter ego.

Go for a meal out alone — fully as your persona. Be him/her; experiment with your physical traits, talk with strangers to feel a taste of it.

This first step might be a bit scary, but it’s also thrilling. Never forget you are always in control. You decide what to do!

Plan the revelation of your alter ego

You must also decide when and how you’re going to reveal your alter ego.

If you’re doing it to your partner, think about where it’s going to happen. Will it be at your place or in a hotel? Do you need to make reservations at a restaurant?

If you’re going to use your alter ego with a random person, chose the place: will it be a pub, a nightclub or other place? Take into consideration the safety and have a plan in case you get out of your persona: will you leave or stay using your own “identity”?

Cover all the bases you need. It might seem a lot and even unnecessary, but the more prepared you are, the more successful and pleasurable your experience will be.

Take Away

You should always remember that sex is not to be taken too much serious.

Sex is pleasure, connection and fun.

The idea of a sexual alter ego is to help you overcome any insecurities you have. It’s to offer you the freedom to be who you want to be in bed but don’t (yet) have the ease and confidence be.

It doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to do it — you do! If you wish something and visualise it, to the point of creating an alter ego, it’s because you have it inside you. You just need to bring it out!

Explore your sexual alter ego with all you got and as much as you can. And above all, have fun doing it!

Emma London writes

“Ordinary life does not interest me” — Anais Nin

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