How to Fulfil a Sexual Fantasy When You’re Not Sure About It

7 pieces of advice on how to get you ready to fulfil a sexual fantasy

Emma London
Jan 10 · 8 min read
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Image by inna mikitas from Pixabay

We are sexually unique. Not only our sexual preferences differ from person to person, but often, they change within ourselves as we age.

The person I was ten years ago is not the person I am now — I went a long way on my sexual discovery. And for that, I’m proud and thankful.

I’m a believer one can’t have a fulfilled life if they don’t live according to their true self. And this includes their sexual self.

As Jay Pendragon says in this piece:

Human sexuality is a sea of preferences and desires — or lack thereof. All are valid.

All sexual choices, as long as they are consensual, safe and sane, are valid.

Yet, many people struggle to act on their sexuality; they fear being shamed or rejected. That is why sexual communication can be so daunting. But it must happen, especially if you’re in a relationship.

Each one of us has their own fantasies and desires. Some of us have kinks and fetishes. Nothing wrong with it, much the opposite.

Sexuality is a world of pleasure, one to be explored — inside your limits and sometimes pushing them a bit (but always staying in a comfort zone).

When you’re in a relationship, an effective and open communication style is a must. This, of course, includes communicating about your sexuality — yours individually and yours as a couple (or whatever dynamic you are in.)

My partner and I are very good at sexual communication. We talk openly about our pleasures and turn-ons, and the things we’d like to experiment.

However, I came to learn that our excellent sexual communication skills don’t predict an immediate, fully satisfying sex life.

Recently, my partner shared with me a fantasy he’d like for me to come true: he wants me to be his Dominator.

We engage in power play often. And while at the beginning, I was always in the role of a sub, as time passed by and I explored my sexuality deeper, I realised that, like my partner, I’m a switch. This means I’m both a sub and a Dom.

Since then, I’ve been playing in a Dom role. But always in a “superficial” way. I like to restrain him and play with our whips, floggers and pinwheels. The other day, I put a collar and a leash on him and made him my sex toy.

But even assuming a Dom role, I am nowhere close to being one. I don’t have the confidence and attitude. I mean, the latter I think I have; what I don’t have is the courage to let it emerge.

Because I know how important is to fulfil each other's fantasies and desires (as long as you’re comfortable doing so), I want to give my man the experience of being my submissive. Or, better saying, of me being his Dominator, with everything I got.

Since the request, I’ve been working in understanding what was stopping me from embracing something that is already in me.

Besides in-work, I did some research, which allowed me to compile ways to overcome my insecurities and help my partner to fulfil his fantasy.

If like me, you’re not sure how to bring your partner’s sexual fantasy alive, read this, I trust it will help you.

How to Fulfil a Sexual Fantasy When You’re Not Sure About It

It’s important I highlight that I’m not suggesting you doing anything you don’t feel comfortable. Never!

What I’m suggesting is for you to try something new — either for personal curiosity or because your partner asked you — only if it intrigues you.

There is no guarantee you will like it, as there’s no guarantee you won’t. The only certainty you have is this: you can stop it at any time.

Here are my 7 tips on how to fulfil a sexual fantasy when you’re not sure if it’s your thing:

1. Take your time

My partner asked me to bring his fantasy alive two months ago. Despite I’ve played a bit with it, I haven’t yet offered him the “full experience.”

I decided I will do it when I’m ready. And for that, I need some things that, for now, are not yet accomplished.

My suggestion for you is to take your time. Get used to the idea, don’t rush into things without feeling confident and at ease with the idea. But don’t let your fears paralyse you.

There’s no rush. It’s not like you’re going to put your sex life on hold while the fantasy happens! Everything will keep happening, so there’s no reason to force yourself into something that potentially makes you feel nervous.

Explore other fantasies, even some related with the one in question (as I’m doing.) That will build up your confidence and at ease when the time comes.

2. Don’t rush into labelling the fantasy as “good” or “bad”

There is no wrong or right in sex — there are only personal choices.

You might not agree with many, but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad. I have a long list of kinks and fetishes, but that doesn’t mean that all fetishes push my buttons. They certainly don’t. But I don’t rush into labelling them.

The only thing I say is “it’s not for me,” or “maybe I’ll give it a go, even if it doesn't seem to be my thing.” And sometimes I’m positively surprised.

The first time my partner told me about Golden showers I was apprehensive. But because it wasn’t a hard limit for me, I tried it — and I liked it! So now we have another kink to play.

When your partner presents you with their fantasy, try not to jump into judgements. Listen to them and say your peace — even if to say, as I did, “I need time to think about it.”

An additional piece of advice is to give them feedback over time. Don’t let the topic die, it’s not very respectful to your partner. They shared something with you; they asked a particular thing from you. Let them know how you are in the process, even if saying, “I didn’t forget about your request, I just need more time to decide.”

3. Ask yourself what are your restraints over the fantasy

If your partner asked you something that you clearly know it goes beyond your boundaries, tell them that.

A healthy sex life isn’t about having all your desires and fantasies fulfilled. It’s about acceptance and adjustments.

Ask yourself those two key questions regarding the fantasy:

  • Does it make you nervous? If so, why? And do you think it’s worth it to work on it?
  • What are the eventual consequences of fulfilling your partner's fantasy? For yourself and your relationship.

I wrote on this piece, about my partner used to be a swinger and how I’m not sure how I’d feel about seeing him with another woman. The experience is not a definite no to me, but I’m very conscious about the consequences it potentially has to my relationship. So, for the time being, I will do nothing about it. Not that we could act on it, even if I wanted…

Take a serious thought about your partner’s request. Write down the pros and cons if that works best for you.

You need to be sure you’re doing it for your partner, but for yourself as well.

If you’re certain you will not like it or you fear it might create a dent in your relationship, don’t do it.

4. Masturbate to it

If you decide to go along with the fantasy, it’s time to get ready for it.

The first step I recommend is for you to masturbate to it. Self-exploring your pleasures while thinking about the fantasy you’re going to perform in a nearby future can be so sexy!

Masturbating to it it’s a great way to be creative, to elaborate some details.

Bringing the fantasy to your masturbation it’s also an excellent way to assess if it arouses you or not. Alone, without fearing being judged, you can be yourself in full. It’s only you, your body and your mind. You are free to feel and think whatever you want and to explore a sexual fantasy as far as you desire!

5. Research in the topic

Some fantasies will require a bit of homework from you.

My advice is for you to watch some videos (alone or with your partner) and to read educative and inspiring pieces — Medium is a great place to find them — and also reading erotica.

Your research will answer most of your questions and, more than that, it will make you feel you're not alone.

You will find people talking about the same fantasy from a perspective of “I love it!” and the opposite. As usually those pieces are personal essays, the writer will present their (useful) perspective on the topic.

From a personal experience, reading other sex bloggers helped me immensely to find and live accordingly to my sexual self.

6. Create an alter-ego

This is the strategy I created to become a powerful and sexy Dominant: I’m creating an alter-ego.

An alter ego will be a second identity. One that you create based on your (repressed) personal traits and preferences. It’s an alternate persona.

I found that through my alter-ego, I’m able to overcome my lack of sexual empowerment as a Dominant.

If you wish to know more about how an alter-ego can boost your sex life, I suggest you read this piece.

The reason I’m taking more time in fulfilling my partner’s fantasy is that I’m building my persona. She will have an amazing wardrobe, one that I’m building according to my possibilities.

My partner doesn’t know this, I will take him by surprise. Until then, I experiment with being a “shy” Dom, I feed my alter-ego. When she’s ready, she will have all the tools she needs to succeed! And this leads to my final tip:

7. Build up your performance to the fantasy

Instead of making it an “all or nothing” thing, build up your performance to the fantasy.

Before fully offer your partner their fantasy, break it down by experimenting with some parts of it. When you’re ready, you can merge all your experiences in one and have a great time fulfilling your partner’s fantasy!

This can be, for example, role-playing with a part of the fantasy; it can be talking dirty about it during sex, or to have sex while watching a porn movie related to the fantasy.

If your partner’s fantasy is about bondage, instead of going full arms and legs restrained, start by using a scarf to restrain only the wrists.

Build up the realisation of your fantasy.

Takeaway

Engaging in new sexual experiences can trigger insecurities and many doubts.

Besides a clear and respectful communication, there’s another thing of supreme importance when it comes to bringing a fantasy to life: in whatever part of the process you are — even if during the sexual act — you can stop it.

If your partner asked you to engage in a sexual fantasy that you’re not sure about it, don’t overthink it. If it’s not a hard limit, follow your desires and build up your confidence to make it happen.

Emma London writes

“Ordinary life does not interest me” — Anais Nin

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