A perfect parent & a perfect child

Hitting the target on the eye every single time

How many of us struggle to accept a failure from our child?

How many of us believe that only the first is the winner, all else are losers?

We want the best for our children. We have lofty dreams for them — elite institutes for education, a diverse set of extra-curricular activities, best possible attire and so on. Of course, we have to dream big to achieve high. Dr. Norman Vincent Peale in his “The Power of Positive Thinking” has said,

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars

I strongly believe in having very high aspirations as well and agree with Dr. Peale. Having high goals can inspire us to work hard, make and learn from mistakes and grow towards the end goal. But it is also important to pay heed to the attitude, and the means in addition to the end. The process, the learning and the people along the path are important for reaching the goal. While we have to aim high, and work relentlessly, we have to realize that perfection is a mirage. Chasing perfection will only deter us from the goal.

First let’s understand perfection. What is perfection? It is the state of having no flaws, or defects. The keyword in the definition is the word “no.” We look at how many 9’s of accuracy is desired. Have you heard of six sigma? This percentage 99.99966% has been statistically proven to be flawless. When the word statistically comes into play, it means there’s a certain number of failures. Small, very very small number, yes but still some! We all know that 100% is humanly unachievable. Of course, we want the doctor to cure ailments 100%. But even a small bruise leaves a minimal scar, an imperfection.

As humans, we all make mistakes. Yes, all of us — intentional or unintentional, big or small errs do happen! To be perfect, we have to transcend human nature. Now that’s tall order. I made a comment that chasing perfectionism will move us away from the goal. I want to talk about how that happens.

1. The desire to be perfect increases the pressure. When we have stress, we do loose our wellbeing and also tend to make more mistakes.
2. The pursuit of perfection increases our confidence to a point where we start to suffer from a superiority complex.
3. Perfectionism is a goal by itself. How many goals are we going to work towards?
4. Practically speaking, being perfect is very time consuming. If we were to perfect a particular step in the path, the rest of the world working towards a similar goal has gotten ahead of us.
5. When we try to be perfect, we loose the sight of a very vital element of success, namely failure. Mistakes are the best way we learn. Having the mind to embrace one’s mistakes helps us move faster towards our goal. Mistakes are propellors while wanting to be perfect is shackling.

Perfectionism can lead to depression. When we are adamant about the 100% accuracy, we start loosing our tolerance to failures. We see them as fatal flaws. We start disliking ourselves for having those flaws and eventually become a prey to mental ailments.

When we desire perfection from our children, the ramifications are huge. The children are crushed under the pressure of needing to be perfect. They slowly loose their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. The kids crumple and wither instead of blooming.

We might not directly demand perfection. Sometimes we portray an image of perfection. When our children see us in our perfectionist parent act, they feel intimidated into being perfect. Research has shown that when parents make mistakes, accept them and apologize in front of children, the children learn resilience, and a growth mindset. Kids also realize that they will be loved even if they make mistakes. This latter point is huge for a child. It is their foundation, and what they live for — being loved.

Instead of trying to be perfect parents for perfect children, we should:

1. Rejoice and celebrate their successes, and wait for it… their failures too. Let’s not forget to do the same for our own as well.
2. Have high expectations of them and yet embrace their imperfections.
3. Giving progress as much weight and importance, as the end goal gets.
4. Importantly, accept and acknowledge (if needed, apologize) your mistakes.

Through embracing our imperfections, we can help our children embrace theirs, and grow into the fine adults we envision them to grow up to be!