Beyond the Behavior
Look deep into a child
The beginning
Parenting is a very hard job — we are told that when we first become parents or are even friends of parents. So much responsibility! As a parent, we have to mold the character of a child. And hence it’s a very important to watch and correct their behavior. Correcting another person’s behavior is very exhausting for sure. But that parenting? Rather, the only aspect of parenting?
Regardless of their age, a child is a human, a living being — with real emotions and feelings, desires and dreams, thoughts and perspectives. As with any human, the children too are not wearing this layer of theirs on their sleeves. Parents need to dig deeper to understand the child. Understanding the child is the essence of parenting. If correcting behavior is the limbs of the parenting body, then understanding is the core of it, the life!
Many parenting exponents talk about connection as a prerequisite of positive disciplining. Dr. Jane Nelsen coined the term “connection before correction” and this connection leads to understanding. When we have the understanding, we are able to have the empathy and look behind the behavior into the root cause.
Consequences of looking at just the behavior
When we look at the behavior and not the person, we are unable to see their intention. We judge (and many times misjudge) their motive. This critical attitude makes them turn away from us. Often, their motivation might be grounded and their path of action might need some correction. Let’s not forget that translating thoughts into words and actions is a lifelong learning. We too are in the path of learning, and hence expecting perfect translation from a younger human is a tall ask.
When we keep misjudging and the children turn away from us, there’s a growing wedge between us. During the tween and teen years, when we stretch an arm, we find the kids slapping our wrists. On account of this inability to reach to them, we find that the teenage hard to handle. In actuality, the teenage is hard on the children more than the parents. There’s a lot going on, in their physiological side and without the right support, it becomes harder for them.
Connection, Understanding and looking within
Correction is an important aspect of the parenting life cycle. But being stuck there is detrimental to the child, the parent and the relationship too. The point of any relationship is to learn about each other and grow. Parent-child relationship is unique as the burden of the understanding is more on the parent than on the child. It’s not limited to just that, the parent is also responsible for teaching the child the ability to understand others.
With understanding, comes adjustment, the ability to find common ground when there are disagreements, and the capability of truly solving behavioral issues. When a behavior is deemed as requiring correction, without understanding, correction is like putting a bandaid but when we know the person, the same act of attempting to help them modify their behavior becomes a true healing process.
Back to the tween and teen years, if the parent had built the bridge of connection, with a genuine attempt to look at the human being, the teen child feels secure and safe in enlisting the parent as their confidante. Imagine being on your child’s speed dial as opposed to begging to be on the contact list.
Conclusion
Understanding, co-existence, trust, commitment, and shared interests are the basis of a strong relationship. Parenting too should start as a process of working together, towards these ideals. Where there’s true love, there’s willingness to correct and children respond well when they are understood!
