Compassion: A practicable word
It’s possible to practice compassion anywhere and everywhere
How compassionate are you? When we are asked this question, we all tend to say and believe that we are compassionate (enough). What do we associate compassion with? Visible acts? Acts that get us validation from others? Compassion is more than that. Sometimes compassion is invisible. Sometimes compassion is the opposite of others expect from us. Before we move deeper, let’s try to understand this word. Other related words include sympathy and empathy. While they are related, these words differ a lot from compassion.
Sympathy means feeling sorry for someone. For example, we see a poor person on the road, in tatters and immediately, almost by reflex, we feel sorry for the person.
Empathy means feeling what the other person is feeling. It’s putting oneself in the shoes of others and understanding what the other is feeling from their point of view. While sympathy is feeling pity without knowing what the other person is truly feeling, empathy is feeling what the other person is feeling.
Compassion means doing something to alleviate the pain. If empathy is feeling, compassion is doing. Often, compassion is considered to be unconditional love.
Is it possible to compassionate all the time?
According to His Holiness 14th Dalai Lama, compassion is possible always. Hence, it’s possible to be compassionate all the time. Compassion stems from conviction, determination, and reason.
If we see a homeless person, it doesn’t mean that we should take out a loan for a million dollars and gift it to that person. Just a small fruit or something that we can afford is also a compassionate act. Some of us might not be able to afford even that at that time. Offering a prayer, or sending the person unconditional love from within is still a compassionate act.
Opposite of true compassion
What about compassion towards someone who has done something hurtful or wrong?
Either George Gurdjieff or Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche coined the word “Idiot Compassion” which is very different from true compassion (what we are talking about in this article). In “Idiot compassion”, we do something “good” which is associated with pleasure. Or we are unable to say no, put our foot down for the greater good. An example of this is offering a high sugar food item to a homeless person who’s diabetic. This act gives us happiness that we have done something “good” while in fact, it hurts the other person further. Another example would be offering money to someone who misuses it to hurt their body (drugs, tobacco, alcohol … ) While on the surface, these acts look compassionate, fail the test for true compassion.
Anytime we condone a wrong act that we see in the name of forgiveness and compassion, we are actually practicing idiot compassion. What do we when our child makes a mistake? Do we sweep it under the rug? Do we punish the kid? Do we correct the child in an appropriate manner, a manner where the child doesn’t feel slighted, belittled or revengeful? True compassion is being kind and firm (borrowing Dr. Jane Nelsen’s phrase)
A very key element that goes along with true compassion is the element of boundaries. Dr. Brené Brown articulates this concept very well. Holding someone responsible for their actions and protecting one’s boundaries indeed constitute compassion. Serving as someone’s doormat isn’t true compassion. Many experts say that compassion is the courage to say no, and draw the line.
Today, the #metoo movement has caught on fire. We see many men and women called out as abusers. It’s shocking to see that in most of the cases, the friends and family are supporting the accused. Well, I’m not saying that all those called out are in fact at fault. It’s quite possible that some accusers are calling out someone for their own personal gains. But let’s talk about those who are really at fault. How many families and friends have had the courage and compassion to hold the abusers responsible for their acts? How many people continued on, as if nothing really happened? How many people requested the victims, in the name of compassion, to forgive their abusers? Forgiveness is not condoning the abuse. Forgiveness is a step in the healing that the victim will reach when the time’s right.
Accountable and Compassion
How does holding someone accountable become an act of compassion? How do boundaries help?
When we hold someone accountable for their action or have the courage to preserve our boundaries, we are removing the opportunity for the person to do more hurtful things. This might lead to remorse and course correction too. It does alleviate them from the pain of hurting others and in turn hurting themselves. And hence a compassionate act for sure.
Food for thought
I will end this article with some food for thought. Say there’s a shepherd, a herd of sheep, a guard dog, and a wolf. Put yourself in the shoes of the shepherd, the dog and a sheep (one by one). How can you be compassionate to all including the wolf?
