Compassionate towards Emotions

Dealing with intense emotions with compassion

I was walking down the road one day when I saw a father and a young son walking before me. The youngster was visibly mad and the father, continuing to walk holding his son’s hand, said to the boy,

You need to calm down

I am going to close that scene there and leave the rest of the storyline up to your imagination and perception.

Many times, we communicate to others in different ways and tones, the need for them to calm down. But is that the most compassionate thing to do? Dr. John Gottman once rightly said that

Emotions are meant to be felt and expressed

If all emotions have to be felt and expressed, then what is a compassionate response to the emotion, particularly those emotions that are thought of as negative. Asking someone to calm down when they aren’t (in this case, doesn’t matter which side of the spectrum the emotion is on) actually does two things:

1. Communicates to them very clearly that we don’t want to allow the expression of their emotion, that their emotions don’t matter to us and that we just accept certain emotions. While they are getting slighted, and the relationship is getting damaged, they also learn to behave similarly to others. With that, compassion slowly starts to leave the table.
2. We want them to deal with the emotion quickly, rushing them in the process. This haste leads to half-felt emotions. The other half safely gets stored in the subconscious brain leading to stress, and mental health issues.

Then what’s the right approach to this? We would like to propose the four-step process. These four steps are best done in that order. They are Presence, Observation, Curiosity, and Active Listening (POCAL for short)

1. Presence — When someone, especially a child, is feeling and expressing emotion, it is important to show your presence — your availability, your intention, your ability and willingness to help. Each person and each relationship is different. Some cases, you can show the presence by getting to the eye level of the person. Some people prefer a tap on the hand. Others might prefer a gentle, short ice breaker. To know which technique to use for whom, it would be necessary to understand the person. In short, the “presence” step is a stop and become available step. You are sending a very powerful message that “I am here to help you through.” Humans thrive on a sense of belonging and safety. This stage consciously reassures that.
2. Observation — In here, we make an observation about what emotion we perceive the person to be feeling. It is not a judgment but an observation. Using various cues and our own understanding of the person, we are observing the emotional state of the person. This act of observing will help us move on to the next stage
3. Curiosity — In a genuine attempt to understand and help the other person, in this stage, we exhibit our curiosity in the form of questions or statements. If the other person is a child, then it becomes very important to help them identify and label the emotion that they are feeling. The key point here is being genuine. Otherwise, this stage will morph into inquisitiveness which is also known as poking our nose in another’s business.
4. Active Listening — Every person, adult or child, has the potential to solve their own problems. What they need is a safe expression of their feelings. Instead of advising, or stepping on their toes to solve their problem, if we can listen but actively listen, then the person feels safe, heard and automatically calms down. One key point to be bear in mind though, as Dr. Gottman puts it,

All emotions are acceptable but not all behavior are.

He along with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman have come up with this excellent poster and this poster can be purchased at the Gottman Institute store.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching — Gottman Institute

When it comes to active listening, like the indication of the presence, every person has a different way of understanding that we are listening actively. Some might feel heard if we mirror their positive emotions and show empathy in our body language. Some feel heard if we are completely silent. Others might require a nod, a quick, short word occasionally to indicate that the person is still listening.

In conclusion, allowing the person to feel all emotions, being available for them, helping them by listening and being genuinely curious, and limiting their behavior helps not only their wellbeing but also that of the relationship.