Correction, Criticism and more

Foster or Fester a Relationship

Correction is love. Criticism is never love

One of the critical job profiles of a parent is correcting the action of the child. But do we take this job to extremes? Do we correct or criticize? In Drs. Gottman’s research, criticism is shown as a relationship breaker. How do we correct without criticizing? In this article, we will attempt to explore what correction is.

A parent is responsible for correcting their child when:

• the child’s behavior isn’t right (violates the rules of the house, school or community)
• the child has incorrect information

A side note: what about adults ‘correcting’ other adults? Correcting another adult is similar to attempting to walk on eggshells. It has to be done with extreme care, caution and in a respectful manner.

Why do individuals correct other individuals?

• Have the well-being of the other person in mind
• Have a sense of superiority
• Have a sense of power
• Have a prejudice

These bullet points apply to parenting as well. When ‘correction’ is done with welfare of the person in mind, it becomes an act of love and when it is done for any other reason, it becomes an abuse of the leverage.

Demystifying Correction

What’s correction, really?

Correction is an act of love when it is done to help the other person. But how do we know if we are correcting and not criticizing? Correction has the following attributes:

• Correction stems from the intention of love. “I love you wholeheartedly”
• Correction has the welfare of the other person in mind. Nothing else and no other motive.
• Correction is encouraging. “I want the best for you and hence I will encourage you to correct your errors”
• Correction accepts mistakes and allows new chances. “We all do mistakes and since I love you, I accept you and your mistakes”
• Correction doesn’t disrespect or demean. The goal is to help and not put down.
• Correction stems from understanding. If the person is not understood, then their feelings will get hurt.
• Correction leads to win-win situation. Any feedback that makes the other lose isn’t love.
• Correction targets the behavior. The goal is show love and correct behavior, and not demean the person.
• Correction is not perspective dependent. Say there’s a situation where two perspectives are clashing. If no rules are broken, the best way is to agree to disagree. Attempting to change someone’s perspective is not correction but manipulation.
• Correction employs discrimination. First, we have to determine if correction is required. We need to be grounded in the understanding of what’s right and wrong. If we let our negative bias sway us, then it won’t be correction.
• Correction is not shaming. Do we need to correct in public? If so, does it have to shame the other person?
• Correction doesn’t search for opportunities. It’s not nitpicking. There’s no need to put someone under the microscope and make them feel small like a specimen.
• Correction is done in private as much as possible. It stems from the goal of win-win and hence saves the other’s face.
• Correction is evidence based. Find out all the details before jumping ahead to correct.
• Correction is curious. Be curious about why the problem happened.
• Correction attempts to problem-solve. The goal is not to be an eternal corrector but to build the ability to correct one’s own mistakes. Hence, correction helps and involves the other person in problem-solving to make changes.
• Correction didn’t label. The idea is not to put down the other person to the point of bringing down their self-esteem.

Dissecting criticism

• Criticism hurts the person.
• Criticism stems from superiority, power and prejudice.
• Criticism is not win-win. Someone loses.
• Criticism doesn’t allow changes. The goal isn’t to actually make the person better.
• Criticism is disrespectful and demeaning.
• Criticism is discouraging.
• Criticism doesn’t understand
• Criticism is perspective dependent. It easily takes sides.
• Criticism doesn’t employ discrimination. The idea is to dissect the person and put them down.
• Criticism is shaming. It leaves the other person feeling small, resentful. Children tend to stop loving themselves.
• Criticism is looking for opportunities to … criticize.
• Criticism is done in public or private — there’s no ‘saving the other’s face’
• Criticism doesn’t get all information. Prejudice and favoritism (or the lack of it) plays a key role.
• Criticism assumes the role of the constant corrector — true in the case of adult to adult interactions. Critic is quick to judge.
• Criticism attempts to change the person while correction just targets the behavior. It’s not accepting the person as is.
• Criticism labels and pulls the person’s self-esteem.

Scenarios

In the following scenarios, let’s see how correction works:

1. Your child hit another child, or somebody including you: first, take care of the other child. Showing care and affection is a good model for children. Plus, the other child has a bigger need, on account of the injury. Validate the hurt person’s feelings and ensure they are safe. Then turn to your child. It’s possible that your child is scared, feeling unsafe or angry. Allow them the space to label their own feelings. Disallow any more incorrect behavior. Be curious about why they engaged in that bad behavior. Show them how the other person is feeling. Ask questions to elicit correction. Ask them to offer a sincere apology stemming from their own understanding of their mistake. Help your child understand: the other child or person might have strong feelings. They might need time and space to feel those emotions without engaging in retaliation. Judging them invalidates not just their feelings but the incident as well.
2. Your child broke a rule. Explain the importance of the rule and consequences of breaking it. Point at the behavior or action that lead to the broken rule. Be careful not to use labels or sarcasm. Brainstorm how to get back on track. It’s important to build the awareness and corrective action taking in children.
3. Your child refused to help another child. It’s very critical to understand what the situation was. You don’t want to correct a child who refused to help another in a quiz or examination. Saying no is not a mistake. If the situation was an opportunity for compassion, have an open conversation with your child. Don’t push them to change. Compassion doesn’t come through a display of lack of compassion.
4. You disagree with your child but no rule is broken. If no rule is broken, there’s no need for correction. It’s okay to accept their perspectives.
5. Your child refuses to be friends with another child or person. Find out what happened. Maybe your child was bullied. Or maybe your child is being mean to the other. You will need to get to the bottom of the issue. Not all behavior perceived bad is actually wrong. If you, after having all the details, deem that your child is incorrect, then you’ll need to correct your child. But if your child is swimming away after being hurt themselves, ‘correcting’ them invalidates their feelings, their reality and actually pushes them into a darker space.

Many of these principles apply to adults correcting adults as well. However, there should be a clear reason, relationship and intention that’s based on love to correct someone. Talking behind their back, judging them or nitpicking doesn’t help foster the relationship with that adult. Above all, a good connection serves as a bridge for correction.

Connection and correction

Whether a child or an adult, a connection — a good understanding is needed to correct another human being. What is connection? Often we go around spotting others doing errors. That’s solely to do with a negativity bias we all have. But how many times do we catch someone doing a good thing? How many times do we have a laugh with them or even make them smile? The connection is fostered by time, our display of love and our desire to understand without prejudice.

In the corporate world, if the personnel manager were to invite an employee for feedback, 90% think they are to receive negative feedback. This perception isn’t due to a misunderstanding but stems from overwhelming amount of negative inputs. It’s said that we should praise in public and correct in private as much as possible.

Conclusion

Correct because you see a wrong behavior and you have the responsibility (not assumed or presumed) to correct. Don’t correct just because. We aren’t going to create a perfect individual — no one is perfect. However, we should help learn from mistakes and grow. Mistakes are not perspective differences. Correction is needed only when there are mistakes. In other times, we should just agree to disagree.

Always remember to correct with humor, and love. Try to do it with the least embarrassment for the other. Even a child has a face to save. Putting someone down, shaming, labeling might work but only in the short term, and never helps the relationship.