Demystifying Love
What we all search, and yet struggle to understand
Why is love misunderstood?
Love is the one undercurrent that ties us all together. It is that one feeling that the rich or the poor, the able or the disabled, the loved or the unloved, long for. While it is the most sought out feeling, it is also the most misunderstood, and misinterpreted word. Many of us think that we understand it, we feel it, and we do it.
Let’s test our own understanding. Would you be able to explain love to a young child in a practical manner? If a child was hurt, bullied, or abused, how would you explain love to that child? How will you practice love towards that kid and inspire the child to practice it?
What is love?
Love is a feeling — the feeling of wishing good for another, the feeling of not wishing harm for another is love. All religions preach love as being the backbone of human existence. And yet, we see and read a lot of actions that aren’t testimonials for love. If love is feeling good or not feeling dislike for another, then where does it all fall apart?
To reiterate, love is a feeling. When that feeling combines with words and actions, it gets transmitted to others. When we feel love for one person, and on account of that love, hurt another, love ceases to exist. It is all or none. We often leave ourselves out of the love equation. Remember, it is all or none.
If love is a feeling, and the words or actions communicate it or the lack of it, then how do we love everyone including ourselves? (What about those who hurt us? For the latter question, I have a separate article.) How do we teach children to love everyone?
Let’s take a step back — all the way back to just feeling love. There’s a good thought or the lack of the bad one but what is the expectation?
- When we show love without expecting anything in return, then that love is unconditional love
- When we show love while expecting something in return, then that love is conditional love
- When we withhold love in order to get something, then that love is … not love at all
I want to dwell a bit deeper on the last item. When a parent withholds love, the child who’s emotionally (and physically) dependent on the parent craves for it. In order to get that love, the child is willing to do anything! This unhealthy state of the child leads to a lot of mental issues for the kid as it grows into adulthood.
Boundaries
Love has several synonyms and one important alternate word is boundaries. Without boundaries, the feeling becomes… unbounded. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with unbounded love, right? However, when there’s unbounded love towards a few, it becomes lack of love towards many. Can you guess what is another name for unbounded love? If you guessed “obsession” or some synonymous word, then you got it correctly!
Healthy boundaries make love what it is. Imagine you are a farmer, working hard to grow high-quality organic crops! In your area, imagine there are animals, jealous neighbors who want you to fail, and other predators of your plants. Will you have a fence for your farm or would you leave it free for all to damage your crops? Which one seems closer to love? Are you loving your neighbors when you put a fence? By definition, if you don’t harbor a bad thought for the intruders and you feel safe with your fence, then you do love them. In fact, you aren’t expecting them to love you back — making this unconditional love.
Trust
Trust is Love’s component. Without trust, love is impossible. Let’s talk about trust a bit now. Dr. Brené Brown has said
Trust is like a marble jar
When someone dips into your jar and takes some marbles, your trust in them decreases. On the same note, when someone does something to earn your trust, they are actually putting more marbles into your jar. A person who makes you feel loved is actually depositing marbles into the jar, and you would be doing the same when you love someone. Love builds trust and trust builds love!
Love and children
While preaching unconditional love to children, are we teaching them the right meaning of the feeling? Or are we implying that our children have to be meek when they are treated with disrespect, or bullied?
In order to explain what we should actually teach, I am going to use a beautiful quote:
When someone slaps you on a cheek, turn and show the other cheek
An American biblical scholar, Walter Wink, in his analysis of this quote which originally was thought about as proposing meekness, and subservience, makes a remarkable conclusion. If a right handed person standing in front of you were to slap you, likely the slap would have landed on your left. If you were to turn your cheek to show the other, your nose comes in the way and now the other person can’t slap you. You’ve disengaged, made a statement about it, and you have done it without retaliation. You just refused to be mistreated! This is a visible sign of love — you didn’t let someone harm you nor did you harm the other!
One can argue with examples of great men and women who combated violence with non-violence. These exemplary icons procured freedom, and change which required the drawing clear lines. Maybe, the topic of prophets and spiritual leaders might arise now. In those examples, through their austerities, these leaders have transcended and achieved a higher plain of existence. Even they don’t accept all bad behaviors and foster them in the name of love. Instead, they channelized their superior love towards changing the behavior. Hence, love has to be practiced with boundaries and without those, love isn’t the true love taught by all the exponents of love, and compassion.
We have to make the kids understand that:
- Love doesn’t hurt you or others
- Disengagement is an act of love
- Boundaries are inseparable from true love
- Love builds trust
- To never accept, allow and foster bad behavior
- True love is never a bystander
Conclusion
Recently, a mom stumbled on her son’s journal and that journal had details of the mass killings he was planning. The mom was devastated and her true love for her son made her call the authorities. She didn’t think twice — she showed in practice that love should always have common sense, and boundaries! Accepting, allowing, fostering wrong behavior is a poor excuse of love. Not always are we capable of correcting the behavior or others and hence, in those situations, true love lets go! Let’s love and be loved. When we understand and practice love in its truest sense, the world will transform into a beautiful place!
Food for thought
When you see someone falling off a cliff trying to retrieve their smartphone, you rush to help them. Say they don’t want to come up without their phone and have taken the plunge, what would you do?
- You can fall with them
- You feel sorry, offer a prayer and move on
- You sit at the edge of the cliff and lament
Which one is love?
Some people refuse to let go of their old baggage and they want to you be subscribed to both them and their baggage. Is hitting the unsubscribe button on this person, true love? Or is continuing to engage with them, their issues and exhibiting subtle or explicit support, compassion?
