Intentionality, Reality and Children

Giving children some harsh truth

The relationship of a parent with a child is unique in so many ways. First of all, though like other relationships, it too involves two human beings, there is more onus on one individual, namely the parent. The parent not only has to nurture the relationship but also has to teach the child to do so. In addition, while the relationships we have affect each other, the parent and child relationship is deeply affected by one particular relationship — namely that between the two parents. We will be talking about how a good inter-parental relationship can affect the parent-child relationship and tips to improve the latter via the former in another article. Today, we will just focus on what and how to do when there’s a fallout in the relationship between the parents.

Two people who commit by some method to work together to raise a child are the parents of the child. The relationship they share is the inter-parental relation — the one of interest to us. When this relationship hits a snag, that affects the child’s wellbeing and hence the parent-child relationship as well. While divorce in legal terms has to do with the breaking of a marriage (common-law or formal), we are going to refer to any inter-parental snag as divorce. A divorce, an inter-parental issue definitely has an adverse effect on the children who have associations to that relationship.

A child is a human being capable of expressing their feelings in different ways, but that doesn’t mean that they can. In that respect, they are handicapped. They need their parents, caregivers, teachers or other caring adults to look out for signs of issues and help them communicate their problems. Sometimes, even with loving methods, it’s not possible to get to the bottom as the kids themselves don’t have the clarity of the vision that adults tend to have.

When a relationship hits a wall, the two people involved in that relationship feels the ramifications of the break — surely the percentages might vary depending on the original involvement and the work put in by the involved humans. Therefore, a divorce is going to affect one or both adults who had originally committed. However, the children in the middle feel the biggest impact of this fallout, though they had and will have no control on how the relationship shaped. This adverse impact is like an earthquake or some other natural disaster in the child’s world — isn’t a reaction to some action or inaction.

Before offering tips to soften the impact on children, I want to divide this divorce of parents into two buckets:

1. Incompatibility: Some examples of divorces in this bucket would be difference of perspectives, fallout of love for each other, and one or both found someone else.
2. Abuse: Some examples of separations in this bucket would be substance abuse by one or both, alcoholism, cheating, and violence

The reason to do so is simple. The effects, the depth of impact are different and hence, the approach to helping children is different for each case. But there are some common elements and we will go over them first.

1. It’s unfortunate that you had to go through the loss of a relationship. You surely feel like a piece of you has been taken away. You need to get the support you need to go through this phase. Whatever might be the reason of the separation, you need to find an appropriate system to help you restore your wellbeing. Your children need you and hence you should sort out any emotional issues that might arise from the divorce.
2. Children are… children. They are not adults to be able to process the details of the separation. Giving them more than they can handle is very detrimental to their well-being. In fact, that would be one form of emotional abuse. The children when they grow up into adults, still continue to feel the vibrations of this overburdening of information. Gory details of the divorce is TMI for children.
3. Children should be allowed to love both the parents. There are some exceptions to this suggestion though. If one parent is deemed to harm the child, then the other parent might have to severe the relationship of the child with the harmful parent. But when the parent with authority or control over the child does the cutting of the ties between the child and other parent because of spite, the child too gets impacted. Hence the intentions should think from the child’s welfare perspective.
4. The relationship the child wants to have with either parent, after the child becomes an adult, is the concern of the child. Making suggestions, and pushing one’s perspective onto an adult child only causes cracks in one’s own relationship with the child.

Incompatibility

When two parents deem themselves to be incompatible to the other and wish to separate, they might want to consider the following:

1. Talk to the children together as a team. Remember you might be incompatible to each other but as the parents of the said children, you are still and will always have to work as a team.
2. Assure the child. The children in their tender hearts are going to feel a wide range of emotions. Their world just came crashing down. The two people they loved don’t want to be with each other. The child needs extra assurance of continued support from both parents.
3. Allow the child to express their emotions. A decision has been thrust down their throat. It wasn’t theirs to swallow. Hence there are going to be some big emotions. Some kids might not want to talk about it. Others might play it too cool. But bottomline is that all kids will have emotions that parents need to encourage to express.
4. Allow the child some space to come to terms with this new situation. While the children should be encouraged to express their feelings, they shouldn’t be forced though. The children too need the space to wrap their heads around. Be available. Offer any assistance as needed.
5. Continue to be the team of caring adults. Just because you don’t like each other, doesn't mean that you stop working with each other. Be practical. Have a clean schedule that works for both. Show team spirit and some tolerance to the other person — recognize them as your child’s parent. They might not care about you and you might not about them but both of you care about your child.
6. Don’t talk about your child’s other parent to them or in front of them. Remember that the child loves both the parents. If one parent were to talk about their ex-partner in front of the child, then the child is not hearing this information in the same context — they hear it as information about their parent. It really hurts a child to hear awful things about their parent. Hence, there should be some degrees of separation — the two relationships are different and should be treated as such.
7. Make it an intention to help your child. Be extra careful and think about things from the point of view of the child’s welfare. As part of this intention, you need to get help, and be the rock for your children. Taking charge of the situation, getting enough help from the right people to move on in life, and to show the children that they will be taken care of.

Abuse

In the case of an abusive relationship preceding the separation, it’s possible the children might have witnessed or even experienced some abuse along with the abused parent. A relationship either for the abused parent or the child with the abusive parent becomes impossible. The abused parent is probably really shaken up. If an adult is deeply impacted, then one can’t even imagine how the child would have been affected. It’s natural for the friends and family to attend to the emotional needs of the impacted adult. In addition, it would be necessary for the children to get the support they need.

While the adult might need to consider some professional help, it would most certainly needed for the child. In this case of separation, the child too is going through a severance of ties with the abusive parent. Unless this situation is appropriately approached, the child might get emotional hurt by the loss of a parent. The child might know some details but it is important to shield them from more information influxes.

Conclusion

Separation is never easy. It’s more difficult on the child to the extent that their brain development can get impacted and they be put into risk of mental illnesses. While going through the grieving and figuring out how to land back on the feet, having a plan of action to help the child is extremely important. Bringing the child’s world closer to normalcy with a sense of urgency not only secures their childhood but paves the way for a healthier mental state in their adulthood.