Just your presence

Build the child’s emotional intelligence by just being there

The above video from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley is raising a very important issue. Kids need to feel loved. They do their best when their emotional account is full. They need to recharge themselves and desire (like every human being) a sense of belonging. When kids feel the love of their parents, the connection is strengthened and the children have the openness to tap into their parental connection in their difficult times.

There has been some extensive research done by Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the best seller series — The five love languages. While the first book was targeted towards couples, Dr. Chapman has extended his research to children and other areas. He says that all of us have a primary (or two) love language, a way in which we understand love. While adults might be able to express the language they can relate to, for children, there’s effort on the part of the parents.

Beyond the five love languages that Dr. Chapman has proposed, there’s a six language that children need, irrespective of their primary or secondary love language. This language is parental presence. For a child, just knowing that the parent is available and ready to help suffices. They need not even acknowledge that help is needed but their heart resonates with the presence.

For young children, this presence is needed even when there are no emotions running high. When they can see their parents, they feel a sense of safety and comfort. The kids might not even need to physically touch their parents but knowing and being able to see them certainly helps, even those social ones. You might have noticed your own children who are engaged otherwise in their games or projects occasionally peeping to see if you are still there. This comforting feel helps the neural pathways and later in life helps with the self-regulation.

For older children, presence is one thing that still comforts them when their emotions are running high, especially those hard to handle ones like disappointment, frustration, and anger. A child who’s teenaged or approaching those years, due to physiological changes, is unable to comprehend and hence communicate their feelings. During such times specifically, having a parent (or even another caring adult) just be present with them, helps them reach within, come to terms with difficult emotions and even problem solve. Just the presence of the adult reassures the child that the hurdle can be crossed.

Often, the caring adults feel compelled to solve the problem for the children but the children are actually capable. Even if they aren’t, the parents can elicit the solutions by brainstorming. Some therapists and parents have proved, with minimal words or some leading questions, children are able to solve their problems. This art of listening is called active listening. With our presence, and active constructive listening, we can light a lamp of hope in a child’s life.