What do you do when you’re bullied?
Your kid is watching and looking up to you
Raise your hand if you think I’m kidding when I talk about adults being bullied. If your hand is up, I would suggest picking up a newspaper of your choice first. Adults face bullying too and that’s real. Many times, the bullying happens by whom they consider as close to them. Many adults are very quick to judge and have a sense of superiority. They take pride in preying on the vulnerable ones.
For those who love statistics like me: As of 2017, about 31% American adults have recognized that they have been bullied — subjected to repeated, negative behavior intended to harm or intimidate. Today, in the name of politics, race, gender, religion, culture, neurology, physiology, ethnicity and perspectives, human beings of all ages face micro-aggressions. If we want to eradicate bullying from schools, we have to stop ourselves from bullying and being bullied.
As we grow into adulthood, to save face, we use all other labels but fail to label this! A discrimination, a judgement, a scorn, disrespect and a disdain is nothing less than that good ol’ bullying. In fact, the adult bullying is much more sophisticated and subtle. What do we do when we are bullied?
My late grandmother was a strong lady and as I had the opportunity of growing under her care, I observed one thing. She never started a fight but never ever shied away from one. My grandmother had very clear boundaries and never allowed anyone to intimidate her. Some life lesson to learn from her!
During a meeting, while discussing the topic of children, a colleague mentioned about how her kid cried after seeing her being treated with disrespect and contempt by a family member. My colleague had sat down with the kid to understand what caused his grief. The child was quick to say that seeing the mother like a doormat made him cry. This conversation had a deep impact on my colleague and through her, on me. What bothered the child more was that his mother took the bullying as if that’s all was expected.
If we want our kids to learn to shield themselves from micro-aggressions, then we need to first become upstanders of ourselves. Does that mean a bullied adult beat the person who bullies, black and blue? That is definitely not the definition of an upstander and would constitute violence. An upstander does something about bullying, either for helping themselves, or others. What’s that something? Here are some of the things you can try:
- Never forget that you are a human being. You shouldn’t take put-downs from anyone. Constructive feedback offered with respect is always welcome.
- Ignore and don’t react. Just because you disengage, doesn’t mean that you are being a coward. Disengagement takes courage. Reactions fuel the bulling tendencies
- Walk away. You need to be in a physically and emotionally safe space. Being with someone who intimidates or harms you doesn’t provide the necessary safety. Hence, move away.
- Recognize your boundaries. If you let others treat you with disrespect, then you are not preserving your boundaries.
- Articulate that you deserve respect. It’s a fundamental human right to give and receive respect. But when you harm or intimidate someone, then you may have lost your right to being respected.
- Don’t be guilt. As a human, you deserve to be treated with respect. There is no need to be guilty about requesting that.
- Be assertive. It is very important to be assertive about your boundaries.
- Lay out consequences. Accept the person and not their bad behavior. Some situations might also lead to cutting the relationships. A strong stance isn’t a bad one.
When your child seeing you dealing with an aggressor in a calm, self-confident, assertive manner, they too develop the inner strength to do the same. I do have to note here that by calm, I mean in a non-agitated manner. It is very important to be firm. Of course, the aggressor might perceive this stance of yours as being disrespectful and that is ok. Children need strong leadership and the best examples they see day in and out are their parents. It is hence vital for parents to be upstanders for themselves, each other and for their children.