A Good Parent

From giving birth to a good parent

A relationship that changes both for the better

The word ‘parenting’ is often used in conjunction with the child rearing. In the recent times, parenting has been tied to the hip to discipline and child behavior. Parents are increasingly focusing on the discipline aspect of child development. How the child behaves is a very important part of child rearing, and hence it’s important to have attention on disciplining the child. The growing plant does need a good fence around it. Is the fence the only aspect that is vital to the growth of the plant?

Just like a seed or a young sapling needs nutrients, sunlight, water, and affection to grow into an independent, strong, and shade giving tree, so too the child have varied needs for their growth. The parent has to cater to all those needs. While parenting is intertwined with child rearing, there are other aspects that are included in parenting. One of the aspects that is very important to the relationship is the learnings and hence the changes that the parent does in their parenting journey.

I like to define parenting as being a parent. In order to better understand the concept of parenting, we need to dive deeper into the definition of the word parent. It comes back to the question of “who is a parent?” Is a parent the one who gives birth to a child? Is a parent the one who disciplines the child? Is a parent the one who looks out for the overall wellbeing of the child?

We hear of cases of children being ill treated wherein infants to late teens go through physical, sexual, emotional abuses in the hands of their parents. Sometimes these acts are done in the name of correcting the child’s behavior and disciplining the child. In some other situations, the parents fail to protect their kids from others who can hurt the children. In a few incidents, parents allow their children to call all the shots. The exact opposite of being the parent!

I think if we have define the word “parent,” then we have to understand what a child needs for its overall welfare. A person has needs in four areas. While an adult is expected to take care of their needs, a child under the age of 18 (which is the widely accepted age of adulthood) is dependent on others for satisfying these necessities.

Let’s think of a person as a tree. The plant starts out as a seed and eventually grows into a full grown tree. A seed’s needs varies from those of a young sapling, which in turn is different from those requirements of a young plant, and very unique compared to the needs of the tree. The tree probably doesn’t even need a caretaker just like an adult doesn’t need anyone to parent them. Similarly the child while moving from infancy to adulthood goes through changes in their essentials.

Four areas of necessities

All our needs and requirements can be clubbed into four main areas:

1. Physical: Examples — Food, clothing, shelter, security, transportation
2. Emotional: Examples — Relationships, emotions, sense of belonging, emotional security
3. Intellectual: Examples — Learning, access to education
4. Values: Examples — core values, culture, beliefs

Some stages might need more of some and less of another area. The individual needs might vary from person to person but they would still fit into these four buckets. Depending on the stages in life of the child and the individual needs, the caregiver’s responsibility also morphs. Initially it starts out with the caring adult doing everything and eventually ends with them being good friends of the adult child.

Hence, a parent is someone who:

• provides the child with the necessities according to their individual and stage
• changes their role accordingly and appropriately to match the child’s age and stage
• understands the child
• has a deep-rooted investment in the well-being of the child

When any one (biological, legal, or otherwise) does the above items for a child, they are, in every sense, the child’s parent. We said that parenting was being a parent. Fine tuning the definition a bit, parenting is being a good parent. A good parent is one who has a growth mindset, has the openness and courage to acknowledge their mistakes, the audacity to learn from the child, the resilience to face obstacles they encounter, and the grit to be the rock for the child. A good parent have high expectations of themselves and from the kids but understands that perfectionism isn’t desirable. Finally, a good parent does their best towards self-care and child care.